28.5

This weekend I spent time with my mom and it was really nice. I see her more like a friend these days, and I like her as a friend. My mom’s a good friend.

I watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and Fox Catcher. I went to Asbury for dinner and drinks with some of B’s friends, and they were really nice. And, I spent time with my bog-jumping beau.


Today is my half birthday. Six months from now, it will be Thursday. I will probably have taken the day off from work. I will be turning 29. It will be my last year in my twenties. I will probably get a massage and feel really weird about being 29. I don’t envy me then.

But that’s not today. Today I am 28 and 1/2. And at 28 and 1/2, things are good.

  • Mark came home for one day, and it was great. We reconnected and I feel rejuvenated. And optimistic. And excited. And happy.

We talked about his job, and moving in together, living as DINKs for a while but not for too long. Going on vacation, getting a new car, having kids, just things. COUPLE THINGS that people who love each other talk about. It was great. We went to St. Stephen’s of course, had dinner, a few drinks- just lots of easy going fun. Anyway, yes I love my boyfriend of nearly 4 years very much, even though the stress of distance gets to me and I become fickle and talk about running off. This problem is not permanent, but we are. It’s going to be crazy in the summer when he’s home a lot– and we’re living together — I’m looking forward to it!

  • I am doing better and better at work, learning new things, making fewer mistakes, getting busier and busier.
  • My workouts are going – I am really enjoying the office gym and doing my Kayla workouts at home. We are on track for June and all the bikinis I can get my hands on.
  • It’s getting warmer- 44 degrees feels like heaven. I feel happier simply because of the weather.
  • My room is clean and my laundry is done
  • People complimented me on my desk today, saying it looks cute and “like she’s at home”. That’s what I was going for.
  • Robert Durst was arrested. Always good.
  • And that’s it. But that’s absolutely enough for me to announce this 1/2 birthday as a successful one.

Tomorrow’s Wednesday. I have zero plans for this weekend. I should keep it that way because I am really trying to spend $0 these next two weeks, as usual.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!

Like walking from the shallow side of the pool toward the end

Yesterday, I had dinner with two former colleagues. The things they told me really solidified my decision to leave that company. I mean, it was weird leaving and even scary, but I know more than ever that the decision was the right one. I know a lot of people who need to make similar decisions, and they just don’t realize yet how RIGHT those decisions are. I’m talking mgmt. promising things to employees with zero plans to ever make good on their word, simply to keep workers doing jobs they dislike. I’m talking promises of green cards that encourage new hires to leave long and successful careers, only to fire them once it comes time to start the paperwork. I’m talking not allowing employees in the US on work visas to go for promotions or other positions, simply because they know the employee can’t quit without risking deportation. Really terrible.

But even though all that is kind of extreme, I think anyone who is unhappy more than  happy at work needs to leave. I just can’t explain it enough how stupid and bad of a mistake it is not to find new work. Not to look. Not to realize you deserve a lot better, simply in regard to your happiness and self-respect. But, enough of that.


I am going to go for a walk on the boardwalk when I get home. I haven’t been to the beach in so incredibly long! I am having a hard time reconciling moving during the summer. But I hate my commute. But I’m scared of moving somewhere I won’t love. But fear is not a reason to stand still.


Mark- I am not going to do this forever. I told him yesterday, I can’t do this. He needs to make a change. Absolutely needs to. It’s just not feasible- if he doesn’t start really getting serious about changing careers, I can’t foresee moving in with him in June. And if we don’t move in together in June, it means we’re moving on. I love him to  death, it’s not him- and I could spend my life with him on the road this often- but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone this much. I don’t want to have a separate life completely from him. I just don’t want this. And if he isn’t going to stand up and make the right changes, regardless of his own fears, then we won’t work anyway. So that’s where I am. And I hope he doesn’t disappoint me.

Blessed

Updates from recent history:

  • I used my Vegetti for last week’s lunches and this week’s. Here’s a tip: You need at least two zucchinis for 4 small servings. I think it’s better to give yourself like a whole zucchini per meal per person. I used two zuchinis this week for 4 lunches and next week I’d probably add a third. The “zoodles” as the Paleoholics call em’ are delicious though. I sauteed them with a bit of cooking spray, garlic and onion. Some red sauce, chicken sausage and ricotta leaves each lunch at 281 cals (12g carbs, 10g fat, 35g protein, 7g sugar).
  • I went my office gym today. It’s pretty awesome, and not crowded! Plenty of cardio machines, free weights and weight lifting machines, and a private room you can use to do DVD workout sessions with a large projector screen. And hardly anyone was in there… I think I could use the projection room to do my Kayla Itsine’s workout when we start that back up. Also, there are showers and towels and shampoo, conditioner and lotion so I’m all set to workout during lunch without smelling the place up for the rest of the day.
  • There really is something nice about working out mid-day though. It’s nice to get your heart rate up and to separate from the office for a bit, especially on such a nice day as this. I think this will be as good for my mental clarity as it will my body.
  • I like Big Sean, which really shouldn’t surprise you. I love this song and I claim it as my own, because I too am “bleessseedd”.

Three Hours and Twenty Minutes

That is how long it took me to get home yesterday. I left at 4:20 thinking I’d beat them all! Apparently, they all had the same idea.

I came home, ate my brisket (which was tasty but a little dry unfortunately), had some wine, watched TV, talked to Mark and went to bed at 10.  I wasn’t in a bad mood or anything, but I was starving. When the traffic is that bad, there’s nothing you can do but sit back and chill out. Luckily on the radio, D&D were simply taking calls from  NJ commuters asking where they were, how long they’d been driving, and what the roads were like. When you’re sitting in the midst of it, you want to talk about it, so listening to everyone else kept me happy. “We’re all in this together guys!”

I am going to leave here in a moment and, with any luck, work from home tomorrow. It’s supposed to be snowy again- hopefully the last storm of the winter.

I hope I can get home in an hour twenty today.

Driving this much, it’s like I’m just teleported. I get in my car and then time flieeees by, and I’m home. I go numb to the drive most of the time. It’s no so bad.

Cubicle Designs, and Complacency

I am feeling better! That’s a true exclamation- thank God.

So I finally got around to decorating this cubicle a little bit. The picture does no justice because the depth is completely off- but here it is:

cubicle design

The lighting is much better when I have the overhead lights on, and it doesn’t look as strangely spaced in real life- it looks really cute. The lamp actually gives off a soft glow, so it feels warm and homey. My computer is 90 degrees to the left from the blue picture, so when I turn my head to the right it’s like a reminder of everything and everyone that is important. It makes work feel like a solace.

The space with the big signs over top is actually directly behind me when I’m on my computer, and below are drawers where I keep my snacks, workout clothes, etc. So I turn to that spot a lot to grab things, and I like that I have some motivation and beach themes staring back at me. The little sign under the large ones says “You and me at the sea” and has sea turtles on it, with shells in a vase and blue vase beside it. Blue is my favorite.

Framed I have pictures from some very special memories:

  • Britt and me at the redwods
  • Kari and me at a Mets game
  • Eric, Britt and me at CJs bar after I came back from Hawaii
  • Eric and Mark mid-conversation at Paul’s, right before Eric moved to California
  • A picture of the ocean in Belmar, with Britt and my’s (I’s, me’s?) shadows
  • A picture of Mark and I at the Hoover Dam
  • A pic of Mark in Las Vegas
  • A picture of Maureen, Britt and K and I in front of the tree in Rockefeller Center

Okay, you’re saying, it doesn’t look that good. But it looks good in person and it makes me smile when I get to my cube- which is a big difference these days. Next I would like to get some frames for the pictures hanging on the walls, and a tapestry to hang on the wall above my tissues to break up the cream colors. But anyway…


I had a 4lb brisket in the crock pot all night and when I woke up this morning, it only tasted okay. I had included 2 cups of a sauce I made but when I opened that sucker, there was way more than 2 cups of water. I feel like the thing got boiled to death. It is tender as heck though, so I did a few flavor saving things this morning and I’m praying that it’ll be delicious by the time I get home… for Brittany’s sake. We get 8 servings out of this thing and we are going to eat it


I am working on Mark’s resume this week, thank goodness. He has finally gotten to that point where he’s finished working this type of job. It’s like, it’s nice that he makes the money he does, but he is never around to actually spend it or enjoy any part of his life- so toss it. Anyway, glad he’s seeing my way now. (How shitty does that sound? He’s not seeing it “my way”, he’s simply put things into a different perspective). One of my friends got laid off this week, and another friend started a new job yesterday. It’s so fluid- things come and go, beginnings and endings- you’re only in control of so much, but you want to act in the areas you do have a say in.

A friend asked me this weekend, is complacency always a bad thing? I think yes it is, because it means you’re not making changes you need or want to make simply because you’re comfortable- and maybe even lazy. The opposite of being complacent, I think, is being content. You don’t need to make changes because you’re happy where you are. When you’re complacent, you’re not actually happy. Fuck complacency. It is such a subtle killer.


It’s snowing outside, and I’m at work. The weatherman said tonight’s commute is going to be bad and “maybe even impossible.” What does that even mean? Sleeping in my car?


This coming weekend I have dinner for KV’s birthday on Friday… and so far I think that’s it. I spent a lot this week so I should keep it low key for the rest of the weekend, if I can, and I also am going to maintain my diet this weekend because there’s no such thing a “losing weight” and “3 cheat days”, so keeping things light is a good idea. But it’s only Tuesday, so who knows.

Au revoir!

I am still sick, but now my cough is 100% worse. I am tired during the day, and fevery at night. Spring can’t come soon enough!


This weekend was fine- Friday I went to dinner with Britt and Eric, Saturday I hung with Maureen.

Sunday Britt, Eric, John, Nicole and I went to the parade. It was freezing and snowing. We were there for a few hours when I was like, I’m really cold and over this, I want to head back. Everyone was on the same page, so we walked home, and Falco met at our house, and we went for dinner at St. Stephens. I was in bed by 9.

It was uneventful and fine, and probably my last time. I’m so grossed out by the majority of the people there, and don’t find it fun anymore- of course I had a great time with my friends, but we don’t need to hang outside in the snow surrounded by green-covered monsters to have fun. C’es la vie.


Apartment hunting is hard when you have no idea where you want to move. I am looking all over “central north” jersey, and I’m writing down apartments I think seem good. Mark and I will need to take a weekend in April and drive to these places and make a decision, but he doesn’t even know half of the towns I’m not considering. He’s been working for a while, and we haven’t been able to catch each other in the last 3 days. He needs to come home now- I’m over this.


I decorated my cube, and it looks great. I really like it and will post pictures eventually for memory’s sake.

Daily Meditation

Last night, after work, I had to head into town to exchange some movie tickets, so I also grabbed dinner with my mom. We went to Ruby’s and shared the chips and queso dip. I had two margaritas. I almost exploded I was so full.

I was home by 8:30 and felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I was achy, exhausted and my head felt like it was in a different world than the rest of me. I was in bed by 8:45.

This morning, after 10 hours of sleep, I woke up feeling less like I was hit by a truck, and more like I was hit by a sedan. I took ibuprofen, an immune booster pill, and drank Emergen-C after my shower. I drank an Airborne packet on my way to work.

My stomach has been upset all week, and I couldn’t understand why. I haven’t been eating a lot of dairy and I haven’t been drinking, so it made no sense why my stomach was so angry with me. Now I know why. I’m dying.

Luckily the weekend is around the corner, so I can continue my current trend of lazing – maybe it’ll heal me.

  • Friday
    • Maybe Yoga at 7 if I feel like it
    • Work
    • Mani/Pedi with Brittany (I do this every pay day, and it’s pay day!)
    • Nothing. Sleep and movies. Health, healing, and sleep.
  • Saturday
    • Maybe Yoga at 9 if I feel like it
    • Microdermabrasion facial
      • This is very exciting- I bought it on Groupon. I have little scars and big pores and other imperfections that we all have and I want to see if this reduces any of that. I hope so! This is Hollywood’s “newest face lift”, and I am a socialite.
    • Bed Bath & Beyond to get a Veggetti and to buy decorations for my cubicle.
      • I want to decorate my cube so that it’s a sanctuary- if your work space is soothing and familiar, you don’t mind being at it. Let’s keep life soothing.
    • Movies and dinner with Maureen (we had to cancel last week because my car isn’t made to drive on pre-plowed roads).
  • Sunday
    • Probably not yoga
    • Grocery shopping
    • Meal preps
      • This week I’m prepping for both me and Brittany.
      • I think I am going to make a chicken and veggie alfredo “casserole” with zucchini noodles for lunches, and a crock pot beef brisket with carrots and onions for dinner.
    • Avoid the parade

For the last three years I have gone to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, and for the last three years something stupid or bad has happened. I am not a good drunk- I’ve accepted this and admitted this to my loved ones. I am 100% aware of how bad I can get so. this year, I am thinking of avoiding it all together. I’m okay with grabbing drinks with friends and having some wine occasionally with Britt, but an entire day dedicated to drinking is like the worst possible thing for me.

I have two options: Avoid it at all costs and make other plans, like get lunch at my dad’s, or if everyone is going I can go but with limits. Maybe, two beers per bar, and stop by the 3rd bar. I mean 6 beers all day- that would work. I also think I am going to get full really easily, so that’ll help limit me as well. Also I’d love to see a lot of my friends who go every year, and I’d love to see them sober while they’re wasted. That’s always eye-opening.

It is the last St. Patrick’s Day Parade that I can attend while living here (most likely, unless I stay…) so not going would suck a little bit. It also really depends on whether I feel more sick or less sick by then. And how cold it is outside.


My dress pants are getting loose.

I am so tired.

Let this day pass swiftly. Let my stomach grow steel. Let my pants continue to sag. And let my car fly home quickly. This is our daily meditation. Om.