“I miscarried this morning. I don’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to let you know there will be no baby in December.”

That is the text I woke up to this morning. She sent it to me at 5:45 AM after walking to the bathroom and profusely bleeding all over the tiled floor.

My friend was only a month pregnant, but they had already picked out names. After years of not being able to decide on a boys name, they had agreed to one just last week. We laughed over the name on the phone; it was the exact name Mark and I had picked out for our imaginary boy. I hoped she would have a girl.

My friend was nervous about having a miscarriage. She is high-risk for them, though she has never actually had one before, and a person in her family  had a miscarriage only a month ago. I told her, over and over, not to worry. You are a different woman than your family member, there is no use in being scared of something that probably won’t happen. Just enjoy this!

“There will be no baby in December.”

The doctor confirmed it this morning at 8:30 AM.

I walked to the bathroom at work, sat in a stall, and cried for my friend. I cried this morning. I could cry for her right now.

I can’t imagine the grief she feels from losing what was a promise of motherhood, of a long 36 weeks, little kicks and day dreaming about a new, little personality. And I cry because I know how scared she is going to be next time she gets pregnant. And I cry because these things stay with women forever and change them. The enormous pain that is growing inside her, the pain that replaced that Christmas baby we were so looking forward to.

She hadn’t shared the news of her pregnancy with anyone yet, because of her fears of miscarrying. But she told me, and now I carry the burden of being one of the few who even knew that little life existed. Mourning the loss of something we didn’t even have yet. My poor, poor friend.

I sent her flowers. I didn’t know if I should – would she hate these flowers? Would they just be a floral-scented reminder of her never-to-be-born baby? A reminder of everything that she lost this morning, wrapped in a bow? I don’t know, but I think it’s nice to acknowledge that she did lose something, even if no one else knows it. Especially since no one else knows it.

I just wrote “I love you, and am here for you always.”  She can throw them out if she wants; I doubt they’ll stay on her kitchen table to be gawked at.

“I’m here for you always”, the card pointing at her as she cooks dinner for two. As she has a glass of wine. As she looks at her empty tummy.

I don’t think she’ll want those flowers.


Magnetic, immediate, lust

I am stuck here, for an unknown amount of time, and I have worked myself to the point of having just a moment to stop and think. Today was incredibly busy, which I am always a fan of – busy is good. Time flies, and you feel accomplished. But, now I have a few seconds as I wait on something.

You know what I find most interesting; that instant connection you sometimes have with people that is undeniable. I’m talking like a severe attraction to them that you cannot explain. I think its completely biological; these people don’t have to be the most good looking, or the smartest, they may not dress the way you want or even live the type of life you’re after, but you can’t help the sparks that fly. It’s always obvious with these people – you stand really close, you touch, you swarm them whenever they’re around- and they you.

I’ve had this connection with several people and it’s just absolutely impossible to ignore. When I was young, I would pursue these people – just for whatever. To hang out, make out, or what have you. But… what happens after you are settled in. Settled down with the last person you’re ever going to sleep with, or be with. The individuals with that biological, magnetic pull will still pass through your life. I think that’s when it’s decision making time; do not go out of your way to see them, talk to them. Don’t be alone with them. Don’t talk with them a lot or feed into that strange, unexplainable desire.

That’s why cheating is so easy. Of course, you don’t cheat with anyone- but if you find another of your chemistry soulmates, and you happen to be in close quarters with them often for whatever reason.. well that’s when things get dicey. That’s when good people fall to bad choices, and hearts are broken, and lust breaks up things you spent years building. I don’t think these spark-wielding people really are who we should be with, because there are tons of them. You will settle down with one person whom attracted you, and then you will go through life and meet more. And the fact is maybe you could have had a life with a few of these people… maybe you would even fallen in love and lived your life out with them. But, you don’t get to live a bunch of long, full and different lives with a bunch of long-term, different lovers. Or at least, I don’t.  I think spreading your heart and your life out amongst too many people harms some major and important parts of you.

What you do, is nod- maybe think “gee what would that have been like…”, then you smile because it’s always nice to feel wanted by someone new…. and then you go back to your partner, and you remember all the millions of reasons why you did choose that person. Why you stopped chasing the fireworks and decided to invest longterm in this one, big-eyed person who made your heart beat a million miles a minute.

I wonder what creates that immediate and undeniable attraction. I do wish we could pursue every single one of them, just for the thrill. But that’s how you hurt like everyone, and I think life is just as much about jumping at opportunities as it is restraining yourself. Otherwise, you’re just kind of a selfish asshole. Don’t be an asshole.

LESSON: Don’t be an asshole.

A pound of goat cheese and a shooting star

I just ate, a pound of goat cheese.

Last Thursday, lunch was bought for us and after much mental anguish, I ordered a panini. And I was full and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. So, this week, I ordered a chicken salad with goat cheese, walnuts, red pepper and some other shit.

Then I went to the gym and worked out. And then I ate the entire salad. ALL the goat cheese, all the walnuts, even some pieces of bread on the side. I should have ordered the panini, my lord.

I am currently comfortable in my workpants in a way I haven’t been in sometime. But, if I over eat, they become really uncomfortable. It’s my extremely literal version of Lap-Band surgery: Eat too much and the band around my lap cuts off circulation to my lower body. Ordering a salad was my attempt to feel comfortable for the rest of the day, and I ½ failed. Maybe eating a quarter pound of goat cheese would’ve done the trick.

I’ll probably go back to the gym at the end of the day now.

Yesterday, Brittany and I went for a walk on the boardwalk. I haven’t been to the beach in longer than I can remember. It was freezing, but nice to be there. And, while on the boardwalk, I saw my first shooting star. It holds no significance other than I’ve never seen one, and I finally caught a glimpse of a trailing ball of fire directly over the ocean.

A group of older people were near us and they yelled, “Whoa – did you see that?” so I know it was real. It’s good to see something for the first time and immediately have strangers confirm it for you.

Lake Como looked beautiful. Britt remarked that it looked like it was glowing. And the crowd of hunched over homes surrounding it, and the glow of all the street lights and home lights, really made it look beautiful, messy, and as free of any flaws or defects. I love Lake Como. I’ve ran it countless times and always enjoy my time beside those mean geese and that crystal water. I remember watching them pump the water back into the lake, and restore it’s sands and rebuild the broken houses that had crumpled around it from underneath Sandy’s winds. And now, it’s back. Different, but still beautiful. I love my town.

Today is Thursday. I love Thursday. Love it, because that means it is almost Friday. The weeks are flying by. It’s already mid-to-late March. Can you believe it?

My plans for the weekend: I made dinner plans with some girlfriends on Sunday. I am keeping Friday and Saturday open. We’ll see what comes up. I want to reach out to KB but I also don’t want to go up there, so I’m being selfish in my laziness, though I need to see her, and I love her, and I want to plan Vegas out, and she’s my best friend. Ah damn- I’ll text her. Maybe her and BK are hanging in Marlboro this weekend and I can shoot over. That’s what I’ll do.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


This weekend I spent time with my mom and it was really nice. I see her more like a friend these days, and I like her as a friend. My mom’s a good friend.

I watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and Fox Catcher. I went to Asbury for dinner and drinks with some of B’s friends, and they were really nice. And, I spent time with my bog-jumping beau.

Today is my half birthday. Six months from now, it will be Thursday. I will probably have taken the day off from work. I will be turning 29. It will be my last year in my twenties. I will probably get a massage and feel really weird about being 29. I don’t envy me then.

But that’s not today. Today I am 28 and 1/2. And at 28 and 1/2, things are good.

  • Mark came home for one day, and it was great. We reconnected and I feel rejuvenated. And optimistic. And excited. And happy.

We talked about his job, and moving in together, living as DINKs for a while but not for too long. Going on vacation, getting a new car, having kids, just things. COUPLE THINGS that people who love each other talk about. It was great. We went to St. Stephen’s of course, had dinner, a few drinks- just lots of easy going fun. Anyway, yes I love my boyfriend of nearly 4 years very much, even though the stress of distance gets to me and I become fickle and talk about running off. This problem is not permanent, but we are. It’s going to be crazy in the summer when he’s home a lot– and we’re living together — I’m looking forward to it!

  • I am doing better and better at work, learning new things, making fewer mistakes, getting busier and busier.
  • My workouts are going – I am really enjoying the office gym and doing my Kayla workouts at home. We are on track for June and all the bikinis I can get my hands on.
  • It’s getting warmer- 44 degrees feels like heaven. I feel happier simply because of the weather.
  • My room is clean and my laundry is done
  • People complimented me on my desk today, saying it looks cute and “like she’s at home”. That’s what I was going for.
  • Robert Durst was arrested. Always good.
  • And that’s it. But that’s absolutely enough for me to announce this 1/2 birthday as a successful one.

Tomorrow’s Wednesday. I have zero plans for this weekend. I should keep it that way because I am really trying to spend $0 these next two weeks, as usual.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!

Like walking from the shallow side of the pool toward the end

Yesterday, I had dinner with two former colleagues. The things they told me really solidified my decision to leave that company. I mean, it was weird leaving and even scary, but I know more than ever that the decision was the right one. I know a lot of people who need to make similar decisions, and they just don’t realize yet how RIGHT those decisions are. I’m talking mgmt. promising things to employees with zero plans to ever make good on their word, simply to keep workers doing jobs they dislike. I’m talking promises of green cards that encourage new hires to leave long and successful careers, only to fire them once it comes time to start the paperwork. I’m talking not allowing employees in the US on work visas to go for promotions or other positions, simply because they know the employee can’t quit without risking deportation. Really terrible.

But even though all that is kind of extreme, I think anyone who is unhappy more than  happy at work needs to leave. I just can’t explain it enough how stupid and bad of a mistake it is not to find new work. Not to look. Not to realize you deserve a lot better, simply in regard to your happiness and self-respect. But, enough of that.

I am going to go for a walk on the boardwalk when I get home. I haven’t been to the beach in so incredibly long! I am having a hard time reconciling moving during the summer. But I hate my commute. But I’m scared of moving somewhere I won’t love. But fear is not a reason to stand still.

Mark- I am not going to do this forever. I told him yesterday, I can’t do this. He needs to make a change. Absolutely needs to. It’s just not feasible- if he doesn’t start really getting serious about changing careers, I can’t foresee moving in with him in June. And if we don’t move in together in June, it means we’re moving on. I love him to  death, it’s not him- and I could spend my life with him on the road this often- but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone this much. I don’t want to have a separate life completely from him. I just don’t want this. And if he isn’t going to stand up and make the right changes, regardless of his own fears, then we won’t work anyway. So that’s where I am. And I hope he doesn’t disappoint me.


Updates from recent history:

  • I used my Vegetti for last week’s lunches and this week’s. Here’s a tip: You need at least two zucchinis for 4 small servings. I think it’s better to give yourself like a whole zucchini per meal per person. I used two zuchinis this week for 4 lunches and next week I’d probably add a third. The “zoodles” as the Paleoholics call em’ are delicious though. I sauteed them with a bit of cooking spray, garlic and onion. Some red sauce, chicken sausage and ricotta leaves each lunch at 281 cals (12g carbs, 10g fat, 35g protein, 7g sugar).
  • I went my office gym today. It’s pretty awesome, and not crowded! Plenty of cardio machines, free weights and weight lifting machines, and a private room you can use to do DVD workout sessions with a large projector screen. And hardly anyone was in there… I think I could use the projection room to do my Kayla Itsine’s workout when we start that back up. Also, there are showers and towels and shampoo, conditioner and lotion so I’m all set to workout during lunch without smelling the place up for the rest of the day.
  • There really is something nice about working out mid-day though. It’s nice to get your heart rate up and to separate from the office for a bit, especially on such a nice day as this. I think this will be as good for my mental clarity as it will my body.
  • I like Big Sean, which really shouldn’t surprise you. I love this song and I claim it as my own, because I too am “bleessseedd”.

Three Hours and Twenty Minutes

That is how long it took me to get home yesterday. I left at 4:20 thinking I’d beat them all! Apparently, they all had the same idea.

I came home, ate my brisket (which was tasty but a little dry unfortunately), had some wine, watched TV, talked to Mark and went to bed at 10.  I wasn’t in a bad mood or anything, but I was starving. When the traffic is that bad, there’s nothing you can do but sit back and chill out. Luckily on the radio, D&D were simply taking calls from  NJ commuters asking where they were, how long they’d been driving, and what the roads were like. When you’re sitting in the midst of it, you want to talk about it, so listening to everyone else kept me happy. “We’re all in this together guys!”

I am going to leave here in a moment and, with any luck, work from home tomorrow. It’s supposed to be snowy again- hopefully the last storm of the winter.

I hope I can get home in an hour twenty today.

Driving this much, it’s like I’m just teleported. I get in my car and then time flieeees by, and I’m home. I go numb to the drive most of the time. It’s no so bad.