Like walking from the shallow side of the pool toward the end

Yesterday, I had dinner with two former colleagues. The things they told me really solidified my decision to leave that company. I mean, it was weird leaving and even scary, but I know more than ever that the decision was the right one. I know a lot of people who need to make similar decisions, and they just don’t realize yet how RIGHT those decisions are. I’m talking mgmt. promising things to employees with zero plans to ever make good on their word, simply to keep workers doing jobs they dislike. I’m talking promises of green cards that encourage new hires to leave long and successful careers, only to fire them once it comes time to start the paperwork. I’m talking not allowing employees in the US on work visas to go for promotions or other positions, simply because they know the employee can’t quit without risking deportation. Really terrible.

But even though all that is kind of extreme, I think anyone who is unhappy more than  happy at work needs to leave. I just can’t explain it enough how stupid and bad of a mistake it is not to find new work. Not to look. Not to realize you deserve a lot better, simply in regard to your happiness and self-respect. But, enough of that.

I am going to go for a walk on the boardwalk when I get home. I haven’t been to the beach in so incredibly long! I am having a hard time reconciling moving during the summer. But I hate my commute. But I’m scared of moving somewhere I won’t love. But fear is not a reason to stand still.

Mark- I am not going to do this forever. I told him yesterday, I can’t do this. He needs to make a change. Absolutely needs to. It’s just not feasible- if he doesn’t start really getting serious about changing careers, I can’t foresee moving in with him in June. And if we don’t move in together in June, it means we’re moving on. I love him to  death, it’s not him- and I could spend my life with him on the road this often- but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone this much. I don’t want to have a separate life completely from him. I just don’t want this. And if he isn’t going to stand up and make the right changes, regardless of his own fears, then we won’t work anyway. So that’s where I am. And I hope he doesn’t disappoint me.


New Sort of Way

Yesterday yoga was really hard. The guy didn’t have good music on, and the lights were on brighter than I would have liked. His voice, at times, was also a bit nasal which made me laugh. He would say, I don’t know, “And holdddd” and it would sound so obnoxious that I wanted to both roll my eyes and guffaw.

He was also very intense. He made us do so many chaturangas that it, again, made me laugh. I laughed instead of weeping. And I laughed when I looked over from my downward dog and saw Britt breathing heavily- kind of puffing- into the towel on her mat in child’s pose, with sweat absolutely pouring off her forehead. It makes me laugh now, the visual.

There were times during that practice that I wanted to never go back to yoga, “Yeah- I’m not buying a hot yoga package after this. I’m good.” Then I would laugh and drop my knees, or whatever I needed at the time, and just keep going, thinking, “This guy is so much harder than I expected- holy crap.” It’s an emotional journey sometimes. At one point, when I was doing a hip stretch, I felt a lot of endorphins release and I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or not. But when we left, I was happy I did it, of course. And it’s good to mix it up with instructors, so you know what you like and what you don’t, and so your practice gets a jolt of life into it.

Britt and I practiced headstands on Monday and we both were able to get up without the wall, so that’s cool. I have no serious ambition about becoming the next Jersey-shore yogi, but I’ll keep doing it until my Groupon expires.

After yoga and a late dinner last night, I could not fall asleep. I went to bed by 10:30 and kind of laid there. At 3:30 I woke up, and was still awake by 4. But once I did fall into a deep sleep, I dreamt of this young guy that looked kind of like Butch from Home Alone, and he was with a group of my friends, and he liked me. So we decided to hang out, and I laid on his stomach and took a nap, and he was very sweet, and we had to go to a dance later. When I woke up from my nap on Butch, it was 7 in the morning and I was in good spirits because it was lovely feeling wanted in that new-sort-of-way.

I need to start getting to work earlier. That’s a god damn promise. I need to. I also need to prepare my clothes the night before so that I look better. All these girls here are effortlessly thin and they all look put together. I know I look fine- My hair and makeup are done everyday- but I should plan my clothes a bit more. I have this bright red Calvin Klein blazer that is reminiscent of Thriller that I really want to wear, so maybe I’ll try to put an outfit together around that tonight. I’m summoning C.C. from The Nanny with that jacket.

Well, it’s officially the end of Wednesday. Tomorrow is the last day in the office. Friday Mark should be home. Saturday I hope we go see Rick’s band but we’ll see. We’re going to do Mark’s resume this weekend- we must. Must must must.

Good night- time to fly home.

The Year of the Now (What)

I am writing this from my new iPad, which I inherited from the office to review the work I do on the app. I’ve never really used a tablet before, but I like it.

I also have a new iPhone 6, unlimited sick days, five weeks of paid vacation, a free gym membership, and so on. These things are perks and I don’t want to turn this into a job blog, so we’re moving on to say….

I have spent so much of my time over the last 4 years job searching, that l I’m not really so sure what’s next. I need a new identity and new things to preoccupy my mind space.

For instance, I am no longer fantasizing about or pining over a higher salary; I am no longer seething over an employer who takes me for granted ( or whatever my disgruntled rumblings were ); I’m suddenly spared the time I spent worrying what to spend on groceries and wondering where I’ll get a deposit for our next apartment…

That’s a lot of brain power to replace. And I’ve thought about replacing it with a million things, and then I realized how crazy that was. I’m leaving it alone.

I am not going to worry about what’s next. I just want to chill. It took me 2 hours to get home tonight, which was unchill, then I made broccoli chicken cheddar purée, er soup, for Britt and I which took an hour or so. Then I watched Kate Plus 8 with Britt and talked on the phone with Mark, and ironed my clothes… And I was just content! Calm and content. No worries about reading before bed or doing a workout or being mad at Mark because his job bothers me. Nothing like that. I am leaving the blank space blank, and I am relaxed. Finally.

The early mornings don’t get to me, I’m relatively lively all day, i come home to a good life. I’m happy and I want to take a minute and just be instead of always thinking ahead. So if that’s my resolution fine- let this year not be filled with self-imposed worries.

Haas gets married on Saturday, Britt turns 27 in a few weeks, Mark will be home in a few days.. January is a good month, despite the cold.

And just for history’s sake, since so many of my plans fall through and live on only in here… This summer possibly Hawaii again, August is Vegas for the twins’ and Eric’s 30th birthdays, and definitely a vacation with Mark next December during our time off. Or so goes the supposed plan.

Wherever you are, be all there

Pros and Cons

I left my diet on the tarmac in Honolulu. I came home to find B had stopped her diet and the two of us came together to join our crusades in eating all things delicious. I’m sorry, M. But, as I sit here eating a burrito I made for dinner last night, I am ready to get back into the swing here. I miss working out – it’s been 3 weeks. The amount of change in my body in 3 weeks is pretty phenomenal. Workout forever!


I once spoke with a woman who was happily employed but continued to send out her resume and go on interviews. She said it helped her stay relevant and keep up with the changing job market, kept her on her toes and allowed her to continuously self-evaluate. Plus, by going on interviews often, it eliminated any fear and made her more confident. The idea was that when she went on interviews for jobs she really did want, she wouldn’t be nervous. This little exercise resulted in her getting a few jobs that she never would have expected, and with great perks because she had no qualms about asking for more since she didn’t need the job offer.

This idea has resonated with me for years, and I’ve started to do the same. I applied to two jobs a week and a 1/2 ago, and received interview requests from both. That shows me my resume and cover letter are good right now, which is a relief because it’s hard to redraft your resume. I’m happy I found a way to capture the important details and drop the rest.

I have an interview in 2 hours for a company that’s willing to pay me  A LOT more than I’m making now. There are pros and cons to this job, and I am really going on the interview as an experiment to see how I do. I want to kick the nerves out of me, and this is practice. But, they sent me a bunch of literature to review beforehand. So I’m reviewing it now, and I have Beethoven playing because I can’t think of any other music that simultaneously helps me concentrate and makes me feel smarter.

My current job though is going great, I really don’t know if I would leave it anyway. Things in general are going really well. I’m very happy.

Big Moments

My roommate drank my beer in front of me. That is my biggest complaint. Also I’m ten pounds overweight, but who isn’t. That’s not a question.

I have my first check for my writing. Not in my hand, but I have it. In the Internet. Waiting for me to cash it in.

I have inside of me the idea of the moment. I will take a picture, holding the check in front of me, the check in focus, myself blurred but smiling. I’m going to scan it and frame it, and place it beside my degree.

The check is for $21.96.

My plan is coming together. Long term vision.

I’ve been freelancing for a year.



Quick and Easy: Workdrobe

My Warrick Davis toes. This picture is from a week and 1/2 ago, and today I am wearing heels again for the first time. I was inspired to hurry my healing process up during a lunch date with a friend yesterday. She was wearing her pressed blouse and dress pants, heels shining nicely underneath, and I was wearing the above boot, one sandal, jeans and my hair wasn’t straightened. My face was puffy and my stomach engorged. I was dirty with mud on my shoulder. Bees were following me. You know the feeling.

The heels thing is going okay. My toe is still purple and crooked, bending unnaturally to the left. The bend is bit disconcerting, actually. It’s more bent now than it was when I took this photo, or the swelling was just hiding it really well. Regardless, the bend led me to my low heels today. They’re a little painful, but I have to be used to pain if I ever want to be taken seriously as a professional model. I’ve also decided to bring all of my blouses and dress pants to the dry cleaner this weekend so that I too can be pressed, starched and crinkle free. I don’t want to look like I’m wearing tissue paper 2 hours into the workday.

It’s important, dressing for success that is. And it’s easy, if you just do what I did. Take a couple hundred dollars and go to NY & CO. Everything there looks great and is cheap. Plus everything there is always on sale. Buy 5 pairs of dress pants, in different colors and cuts. Now you have pants for every occasion and work day. Buy 2 skirts, for the days you don’t want to wear pants or are feeling sexy. Buy a few nice blouses. Then invest in some cardigans. A nice cardigan over a simple tank (something with a design or basic black) with dress pants will never go wrong. Scarves too. I like wearing fancy scarves. Even if you simply buy your dress pants, skirts and two cardigans (also, buy two versatile suit jackets), you can go to Target and get the rest of your wardrobe, like cheaper cardigans, shirts and tanks for underneath the blouses, jackets or sweaters, etc.
I purchased these staples in August and nearly a year later I’m only now just beginning to feel the need to refresh the work wardrobe. Plus, you may not fully understand the culture of your office yet. You may find, as I did, that a pressed blouse is not necessary every day. In fact, a simple sweater is fine, or a short sleeve shirt with some type of detail, to keep it from being too casual. So you don’t want to buy everything and waste all your money on items you might dismiss a few weeks in.

That’s more for getting a new job, I guess.
The point here is nothing. I like wearing heels every single day. I feel like I look better. I feel better. I am taller and respected differently.

Insecurity is damned in the right set of heels.


I’m back from vacation.

Or staycation.

I didn’t blog, or even check my e-mail except for once. I didn’t go to work. I didn’t walk much.

Downside: My fractured toe kept me from going to NYC, or the Outlets, or the bar, or a comedy show, or anything else that I wanted to do.

The Upside: I was able to borrow my mom’s neighbor’s wheelchair. I was wheeled to the sandwhich shop. I was wheeled to the beach. We practiced doing wheelies. By Wednesday-Thursday I could walk with my boot on without crutches.

It was nice to live like I was pre-job. Or really like I was no job. Staying up late, sleeping in a bit, drinking a lot of beer, having nothing to do, making plans. I’m refreshed at least. I wanted to do so much more than I was able to, but I got over that. For what it was, it was nice.

We went to the movies, we went Moster Golfing, we hung out at the beach with Brittany and Eric, we had Brendan over, we went to my dad’s BBQ and almost got good at cornhole, we made our famous Memphis Ribs and we made Chicken Francese for the first time, we drank wine and caught up on Game of Thrones, we hung out with Eric before he moved to California, we stayed up late talking… it was a good 5 days.

I won an award at work while I was gone. I’m changing my name to Sally Smith in the text so that no one finds me here, but here’s the award copy.  It was really nice:

Congratulations to Assistant Editor Sally Smith, who has won the [Company Name] Group Monthly Achievement Award  for May.
Sally wins the award for her unstinting efforts in supporting many aspects of the work of the US content team. She is nominated by her manager, who says:
“There are so many reasons why Sally is deserving of this reward. Her dedicated support of the US team in achieving the goals of our content build and launch is unwavering and every task she has performed (even the more menial ones) has been approached with the same positive, “can-do” spirit that we have all come to know and love so well.
Sally  is conscientious, efficient, deadline-driven and always committed to the quality of her work. She is genuinely interested in learning as much as she can about the business and any tools that exist to make her better at her job.
Throughout the build phase, Sally has been instrumental in so many ways, including, but not limited to: her work with author contracts and cultivating author relationships; her “moonlighting” as a production editor whenever her assistance is needed; her work on Liveflo- both learning the tool and training others on its use; her work on gathering and QCing many of the policies and documents on the site and preparing other content for the site; and her impressive preparation of training documentation for the legal editors on the EMT and production processes this past month.
Most significant, over the past two months, has been her commitment to the rigorous tracking of all of our files and crucial milestones as documents made their way through the author commissioning and production process. Although we have since determined that the amount of tracking needed on a daily basis requires the attention of a full-time employee devoted solely to this task, Sally has worked long hours to make certain that all items were properly tracked while also ensuring that her many other responsibilities did not fall by the wayside.
She prepared extensive training documentation on the tracking spreadsheet and has continued to provide hands-on training and mentoring of our new hire on the importance of the tracking and attention to detail required in managing the flow of files through production.
Her commitment has allowed us to properly identify backlogs in processing so that we could improve our methods and overall efficiency. When I think of the often-heard quote in business – “You are only as good as the people, you hire” – Sally Smith immediately comes to mind. Thank you, Sally, for all that you do for us.”

Well done to Sally, who wins a voucher worth $80.


Anyway, I don’t mind being back. I feel ready to get back to my daily routine. Plus I’ll eat less, which is good.

I need to start writing more and I want to learn to play the piano. There’s this good groupon deal to learn the keyboard at some music school in Red Bank. I should just do that.

I get nervous though! I’m not sure why.