Lost

“I miscarried this morning. I don’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to let you know there will be no baby in December.”

That is the text I woke up to this morning. She sent it to me at 5:45 AM after walking to the bathroom and profusely bleeding all over the tiled floor.

My friend was only a month pregnant, but they had already picked out names. After years of not being able to decide on a boys name, they had agreed to one just last week. We laughed over the name on the phone; it was the exact name Mark and I had picked out for our imaginary boy. I hoped she would have a girl.

My friend was nervous about having a miscarriage. She is high-risk for them, though she has never actually had one before, and a person in her family  had a miscarriage only a month ago. I told her, over and over, not to worry. You are a different woman than your family member, there is no use in being scared of something that probably won’t happen. Just enjoy this!

“There will be no baby in December.”

The doctor confirmed it this morning at 8:30 AM.

I walked to the bathroom at work, sat in a stall, and cried for my friend. I cried this morning. I could cry for her right now.

I can’t imagine the grief she feels from losing what was a promise of motherhood, of a long 36 weeks, little kicks and day dreaming about a new, little personality. And I cry because I know how scared she is going to be next time she gets pregnant. And I cry because these things stay with women forever and change them. The enormous pain that is growing inside her, the pain that replaced that Christmas baby we were so looking forward to.

She hadn’t shared the news of her pregnancy with anyone yet, because of her fears of miscarrying. But she told me, and now I carry the burden of being one of the few who even knew that little life existed. Mourning the loss of something we didn’t even have yet. My poor, poor friend.

I sent her flowers. I didn’t know if I should – would she hate these flowers? Would they just be a floral-scented reminder of her never-to-be-born baby? A reminder of everything that she lost this morning, wrapped in a bow? I don’t know, but I think it’s nice to acknowledge that she did lose something, even if no one else knows it. Especially since no one else knows it.

I just wrote “I love you, and am here for you always.”  She can throw them out if she wants; I doubt they’ll stay on her kitchen table to be gawked at.

“I’m here for you always”, the card pointing at her as she cooks dinner for two. As she has a glass of wine. As she looks at her empty tummy.

I don’t think she’ll want those flowers.

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Like walking from the shallow side of the pool toward the end

Yesterday, I had dinner with two former colleagues. The things they told me really solidified my decision to leave that company. I mean, it was weird leaving and even scary, but I know more than ever that the decision was the right one. I know a lot of people who need to make similar decisions, and they just don’t realize yet how RIGHT those decisions are. I’m talking mgmt. promising things to employees with zero plans to ever make good on their word, simply to keep workers doing jobs they dislike. I’m talking promises of green cards that encourage new hires to leave long and successful careers, only to fire them once it comes time to start the paperwork. I’m talking not allowing employees in the US on work visas to go for promotions or other positions, simply because they know the employee can’t quit without risking deportation. Really terrible.

But even though all that is kind of extreme, I think anyone who is unhappy more than  happy at work needs to leave. I just can’t explain it enough how stupid and bad of a mistake it is not to find new work. Not to look. Not to realize you deserve a lot better, simply in regard to your happiness and self-respect. But, enough of that.

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I am going to go for a walk on the boardwalk when I get home. I haven’t been to the beach in so incredibly long! I am having a hard time reconciling moving during the summer. But I hate my commute. But I’m scared of moving somewhere I won’t love. But fear is not a reason to stand still.

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Mark- I am not going to do this forever. I told him yesterday, I can’t do this. He needs to make a change. Absolutely needs to. It’s just not feasible- if he doesn’t start really getting serious about changing careers, I can’t foresee moving in with him in June. And if we don’t move in together in June, it means we’re moving on. I love him to  death, it’s not him- and I could spend my life with him on the road this often- but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone this much. I don’t want to have a separate life completely from him. I just don’t want this. And if he isn’t going to stand up and make the right changes, regardless of his own fears, then we won’t work anyway. So that’s where I am. And I hope he doesn’t disappoint me.

A Fingertips Distance

So my mom and Mick are having issues and yeah it’s kind of serious, but also in marriages, you have issues and work through them. I suppose though my faith in my mom being able to work through things is a bit shallow, seeing as for so long things weren’t possibly work through-able for her. Or she just didn’t want to. And now I feel that though she could work through things, who knows if she wants to. Maybe she’s someone quick to throw in the towel. Maybe not.

The only evidence I have that relationships can work is through the marriage between my Dad and Dina. And my faith in love arises solely from their relationship and from the love of God. Because I betray and let down God so often, and he continuously forgives me, I see what true love is capable of. I know God’s love for me is the purest and best example of love to ever exist, and that no man will ever be able to love me like God loves me, but I think I believe I will find someone who loves me as close as possible to that.

I still get nervous when my mom fights. Like I’m 12 years old again. It would be nice to have someone who loves me that I could talk to about with it. Someone who would turn to me and say, “You know, we’ll never be like that.” But also, I have God. And every one who has ever said that to me ended up disappearing, for whatever reasons. I’m okay with that. I’m also fully aware of what I need to accomplish. And I have the faith to know that someone is out there, so I’m never worried over it.

Love is real, that I believe. I learned that from my father. I will never stop believing that. One day for sure I’ll experience love for real myself.

The Recap I Always Do

Alright, how should I write this.

The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.

The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.

Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.

Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.

Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.

1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha

The Finale (part 3)

Somethings just aren’t going to make sense, and you need to just accept that. It’s difficult when you don’t fully understand things, but sometimes you aren’t meant to. I remember learning that in Sunday school.. or somewhere in church. Who are you to think you deserve an explanation for everything? You don’t. Maybe one day it’ll make sense (in this situation it will make sense one day when I’m married and in love) and maybe one day it still won’t make sense. Regardless, it is what it is. You need to have the faith to believe that either way, it’s for the best.

I just hope I’m strong enough to be cool with this forever. But of course, I am.

We are many colors,

we are one dream.

Hi Che.

I’m not crazy.

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe we’re supposed to be together forever.

Maybe I’ll fall in love and forget all about you.

Maybe I just need a hobby.