Lost

“I miscarried this morning. I don’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to let you know there will be no baby in December.”

That is the text I woke up to this morning. She sent it to me at 5:45 AM after walking to the bathroom and profusely bleeding all over the tiled floor.

My friend was only a month pregnant, but they had already picked out names. After years of not being able to decide on a boys name, they had agreed to one just last week. We laughed over the name on the phone; it was the exact name Mark and I had picked out for our imaginary boy. I hoped she would have a girl.

My friend was nervous about having a miscarriage. She is high-risk for them, though she has never actually had one before, and a person in her family  had a miscarriage only a month ago. I told her, over and over, not to worry. You are a different woman than your family member, there is no use in being scared of something that probably won’t happen. Just enjoy this!

“There will be no baby in December.”

The doctor confirmed it this morning at 8:30 AM.

I walked to the bathroom at work, sat in a stall, and cried for my friend. I cried this morning. I could cry for her right now.

I can’t imagine the grief she feels from losing what was a promise of motherhood, of a long 36 weeks, little kicks and day dreaming about a new, little personality. And I cry because I know how scared she is going to be next time she gets pregnant. And I cry because these things stay with women forever and change them. The enormous pain that is growing inside her, the pain that replaced that Christmas baby we were so looking forward to.

She hadn’t shared the news of her pregnancy with anyone yet, because of her fears of miscarrying. But she told me, and now I carry the burden of being one of the few who even knew that little life existed. Mourning the loss of something we didn’t even have yet. My poor, poor friend.

I sent her flowers. I didn’t know if I should – would she hate these flowers? Would they just be a floral-scented reminder of her never-to-be-born baby? A reminder of everything that she lost this morning, wrapped in a bow? I don’t know, but I think it’s nice to acknowledge that she did lose something, even if no one else knows it. Especially since no one else knows it.

I just wrote “I love you, and am here for you always.”  She can throw them out if she wants; I doubt they’ll stay on her kitchen table to be gawked at.

“I’m here for you always”, the card pointing at her as she cooks dinner for two. As she has a glass of wine. As she looks at her empty tummy.

I don’t think she’ll want those flowers.

A pound of goat cheese and a shooting star

I just ate, a pound of goat cheese.

Last Thursday, lunch was bought for us and after much mental anguish, I ordered a panini. And I was full and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. So, this week, I ordered a chicken salad with goat cheese, walnuts, red pepper and some other shit.

Then I went to the gym and worked out. And then I ate the entire salad. ALL the goat cheese, all the walnuts, even some pieces of bread on the side. I should have ordered the panini, my lord.

I am currently comfortable in my workpants in a way I haven’t been in sometime. But, if I over eat, they become really uncomfortable. It’s my extremely literal version of Lap-Band surgery: Eat too much and the band around my lap cuts off circulation to my lower body. Ordering a salad was my attempt to feel comfortable for the rest of the day, and I ½ failed. Maybe eating a quarter pound of goat cheese would’ve done the trick.

I’ll probably go back to the gym at the end of the day now.


Yesterday, Brittany and I went for a walk on the boardwalk. I haven’t been to the beach in longer than I can remember. It was freezing, but nice to be there. And, while on the boardwalk, I saw my first shooting star. It holds no significance other than I’ve never seen one, and I finally caught a glimpse of a trailing ball of fire directly over the ocean.

A group of older people were near us and they yelled, “Whoa – did you see that?” so I know it was real. It’s good to see something for the first time and immediately have strangers confirm it for you.

Lake Como looked beautiful. Britt remarked that it looked like it was glowing. And the crowd of hunched over homes surrounding it, and the glow of all the street lights and home lights, really made it look beautiful, messy, and as free of any flaws or defects. I love Lake Como. I’ve ran it countless times and always enjoy my time beside those mean geese and that crystal water. I remember watching them pump the water back into the lake, and restore it’s sands and rebuild the broken houses that had crumpled around it from underneath Sandy’s winds. And now, it’s back. Different, but still beautiful. I love my town.


Today is Thursday. I love Thursday. Love it, because that means it is almost Friday. The weeks are flying by. It’s already mid-to-late March. Can you believe it?


My plans for the weekend: I made dinner plans with some girlfriends on Sunday. I am keeping Friday and Saturday open. We’ll see what comes up. I want to reach out to KB but I also don’t want to go up there, so I’m being selfish in my laziness, though I need to see her, and I love her, and I want to plan Vegas out, and she’s my best friend. Ah damn- I’ll text her. Maybe her and BK are hanging in Marlboro this weekend and I can shoot over. That’s what I’ll do.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Cubicle Designs, and Complacency

I am feeling better! That’s a true exclamation- thank God.

So I finally got around to decorating this cubicle a little bit. The picture does no justice because the depth is completely off- but here it is:

cubicle design

The lighting is much better when I have the overhead lights on, and it doesn’t look as strangely spaced in real life- it looks really cute. The lamp actually gives off a soft glow, so it feels warm and homey. My computer is 90 degrees to the left from the blue picture, so when I turn my head to the right it’s like a reminder of everything and everyone that is important. It makes work feel like a solace.

The space with the big signs over top is actually directly behind me when I’m on my computer, and below are drawers where I keep my snacks, workout clothes, etc. So I turn to that spot a lot to grab things, and I like that I have some motivation and beach themes staring back at me. The little sign under the large ones says “You and me at the sea” and has sea turtles on it, with shells in a vase and blue vase beside it. Blue is my favorite.

Framed I have pictures from some very special memories:

  • Britt and me at the redwods
  • Kari and me at a Mets game
  • Eric, Britt and me at CJs bar after I came back from Hawaii
  • Eric and Mark mid-conversation at Paul’s, right before Eric moved to California
  • A picture of the ocean in Belmar, with Britt and my’s (I’s, me’s?) shadows
  • A picture of Mark and I at the Hoover Dam
  • A pic of Mark in Las Vegas
  • A picture of Maureen, Britt and K and I in front of the tree in Rockefeller Center

Okay, you’re saying, it doesn’t look that good. But it looks good in person and it makes me smile when I get to my cube- which is a big difference these days. Next I would like to get some frames for the pictures hanging on the walls, and a tapestry to hang on the wall above my tissues to break up the cream colors. But anyway…


I had a 4lb brisket in the crock pot all night and when I woke up this morning, it only tasted okay. I had included 2 cups of a sauce I made but when I opened that sucker, there was way more than 2 cups of water. I feel like the thing got boiled to death. It is tender as heck though, so I did a few flavor saving things this morning and I’m praying that it’ll be delicious by the time I get home… for Brittany’s sake. We get 8 servings out of this thing and we are going to eat it


I am working on Mark’s resume this week, thank goodness. He has finally gotten to that point where he’s finished working this type of job. It’s like, it’s nice that he makes the money he does, but he is never around to actually spend it or enjoy any part of his life- so toss it. Anyway, glad he’s seeing my way now. (How shitty does that sound? He’s not seeing it “my way”, he’s simply put things into a different perspective). One of my friends got laid off this week, and another friend started a new job yesterday. It’s so fluid- things come and go, beginnings and endings- you’re only in control of so much, but you want to act in the areas you do have a say in.

A friend asked me this weekend, is complacency always a bad thing? I think yes it is, because it means you’re not making changes you need or want to make simply because you’re comfortable- and maybe even lazy. The opposite of being complacent, I think, is being content. You don’t need to make changes because you’re happy where you are. When you’re complacent, you’re not actually happy. Fuck complacency. It is such a subtle killer.


It’s snowing outside, and I’m at work. The weatherman said tonight’s commute is going to be bad and “maybe even impossible.” What does that even mean? Sleeping in my car?


This coming weekend I have dinner for KV’s birthday on Friday… and so far I think that’s it. I spent a lot this week so I should keep it low key for the rest of the weekend, if I can, and I also am going to maintain my diet this weekend because there’s no such thing a “losing weight” and “3 cheat days”, so keeping things light is a good idea. But it’s only Tuesday, so who knows.

Au revoir!

Daily Meditation

Last night, after work, I had to head into town to exchange some movie tickets, so I also grabbed dinner with my mom. We went to Ruby’s and shared the chips and queso dip. I had two margaritas. I almost exploded I was so full.

I was home by 8:30 and felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I was achy, exhausted and my head felt like it was in a different world than the rest of me. I was in bed by 8:45.

This morning, after 10 hours of sleep, I woke up feeling less like I was hit by a truck, and more like I was hit by a sedan. I took ibuprofen, an immune booster pill, and drank Emergen-C after my shower. I drank an Airborne packet on my way to work.

My stomach has been upset all week, and I couldn’t understand why. I haven’t been eating a lot of dairy and I haven’t been drinking, so it made no sense why my stomach was so angry with me. Now I know why. I’m dying.

Luckily the weekend is around the corner, so I can continue my current trend of lazing – maybe it’ll heal me.

  • Friday
    • Maybe Yoga at 7 if I feel like it
    • Work
    • Mani/Pedi with Brittany (I do this every pay day, and it’s pay day!)
    • Nothing. Sleep and movies. Health, healing, and sleep.
  • Saturday
    • Maybe Yoga at 9 if I feel like it
    • Microdermabrasion facial
      • This is very exciting- I bought it on Groupon. I have little scars and big pores and other imperfections that we all have and I want to see if this reduces any of that. I hope so! This is Hollywood’s “newest face lift”, and I am a socialite.
    • Bed Bath & Beyond to get a Veggetti and to buy decorations for my cubicle.
      • I want to decorate my cube so that it’s a sanctuary- if your work space is soothing and familiar, you don’t mind being at it. Let’s keep life soothing.
    • Movies and dinner with Maureen (we had to cancel last week because my car isn’t made to drive on pre-plowed roads).
  • Sunday
    • Probably not yoga
    • Grocery shopping
    • Meal preps
      • This week I’m prepping for both me and Brittany.
      • I think I am going to make a chicken and veggie alfredo “casserole” with zucchini noodles for lunches, and a crock pot beef brisket with carrots and onions for dinner.
    • Avoid the parade

For the last three years I have gone to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, and for the last three years something stupid or bad has happened. I am not a good drunk- I’ve accepted this and admitted this to my loved ones. I am 100% aware of how bad I can get so. this year, I am thinking of avoiding it all together. I’m okay with grabbing drinks with friends and having some wine occasionally with Britt, but an entire day dedicated to drinking is like the worst possible thing for me.

I have two options: Avoid it at all costs and make other plans, like get lunch at my dad’s, or if everyone is going I can go but with limits. Maybe, two beers per bar, and stop by the 3rd bar. I mean 6 beers all day- that would work. I also think I am going to get full really easily, so that’ll help limit me as well. Also I’d love to see a lot of my friends who go every year, and I’d love to see them sober while they’re wasted. That’s always eye-opening.

It is the last St. Patrick’s Day Parade that I can attend while living here (most likely, unless I stay…) so not going would suck a little bit. It also really depends on whether I feel more sick or less sick by then. And how cold it is outside.


My dress pants are getting loose.

I am so tired.

Let this day pass swiftly. Let my stomach grow steel. Let my pants continue to sag. And let my car fly home quickly. This is our daily meditation. Om.

Congratulations!

to Rachel for getting accepted into the Peace Corps. She’ll be in Africa in 5 months. We’ve maintained a really good friendship seeing as she moved to Florida our Junior year and we’ve only visited  one another three times since then. But 5 months she’ll be gone? No phone therapy? No 3 minute therapy sessions? We’ll have so much to catch up on and we probably won’t really talk at all while she’s gone.

I am so proud of her. I will really miss her. She’s going to do amazing things.

@thatkevinsmith

Kevin Smith tonight with Johnny! I’m excited. He called me at school- I was planning on calling him too which is coincidental- but he was like “There’s shit goin down.” And I was like, oh damn, leigha gossip. But he continued “Have you been on Twitter?” “No” “Well Kevin Smith has a show tonight in Philly and there’s tickets left. I’m saying let’s go, it’s only $40.. take some time to thi-” “Fuck it! Let’s go.” “Yeah? You’re down?” “Why the hell not!”

I never get to go but seriously let’s go. I got a midterm back today. It was on 2 short stories I hadn’t read. I got a 92. So I’m feeling invincible and like the reading I was planning on doing today can wait.

 

Knocked Up is becoming

one of those movies I always watch when it’s on, regardless of where I pick it up at. My final cut rough draft presentation went well today. I was the first to volunteer to have it screened because I wanted to make sure I got feedback on it. I can’t believe it was already a week ago that I freaked out. This past week was so strange emotionally but I am happy to announce I’m back from the dead. Today on the way to school I was happy, that inside happiness I feel often. It was gone last week. I think it was a mixture of learning a new program (which always makes me anxious, just like high school math did), getting/having my period, and the feelings of  transition and rejection that come from not having a steel plated heart or a reliable man. Fortunately that’s all been remedied. I figured out Final Cut with the help of my Prof and God and Mick, my period is over so my hormone levels are back to SANE, and I’ve accepted where my life is romantically after allowing myself a week or two to become accustomed to the transition. Yes, all is well again. I have to write a paper now though, boring. But at least I know about it. I missed Melodrama 2 weeks ago and apparently he assigned a paper that was due today. I checked my e-mail today in Digi class and found out Melodrama was cancelled but we should “still e-mail the papers in”. Um.. papers? Oh, the assignment is sitting 2 weeks back in my school email and I completely missed it.

Anyway, or also really- Dave has moved. I will miss him but I feel a sense of.. freedom. Whenever people leave their lives change. Why can’t my life seem just as new and full of possibility? Anyway, him moving reminded me of how exciting life can be, so I have certainly stolen some of his freedom for myself.