I’m so full of steak

Life has been pretty busy lately since my friend gave me her bad news last week. She loved the flowers.

Things are going well over here. I am in week 5 of my Kayla workouts and I am seeing changes, which is great. When I did this routine last  year, I got to the end of week 7 before going to Bonnaroo and then Hawaii, which is around the time I fell off. That means I have 3 weeks to get myself to where I was last time we hit week 7, or even better.

So, to help things along, I am working out 5 days a week. I do Kayla 3x a week and cardio at least twice a week when not doing Kayla. I would like to workout 6x a week, but 5 is my goal for now. I am also, this week, eating mainly only protein. It’s a quick way to drop some bloating and get myself away from carbs. I did however eat too much last night… my steak for dinner was way too big and I’m like still full. I’m definitely not going to lose weight if I gorge myself on red meat.. but it was delicious.

Lastly, I am not drinking alcohol until Brendan’s birthday. That would be a 12 day hiatus, which will be the longest I’ve gone in awhile. I want to see how I physically change w/o booze. My face will thin further and I won’t be bloated. I think I’ll get to bed early and wake up earlier (I’m still waiting on that), and I’ll save money. But all of that is secondary to how it’ll help my progress.

Truly I wanted to be alcohol free for all of April, but I drank on Easter and last Friday because Mark came home and we went out. My friend was like, “Ché! What about BK’s birthday???” And she’s right – I want to go out that night. So we’ll stick to 12 days, break for Brendan, and then jump back on.

My plan is to also weigh myself on Brendan’s birthday and see where I’m at…. I have a goal in  mind and I also am horrified of weighing myself, so all of that fear and terror combined will hopefully keep me on track.

Also, I am not smoking. I really think I’m going to die of lung cancer. I smoked for soo long. I literally can not smoke anymore because I feel like I am choosing to die and I really don’t want to die! I am going to get a physical sometime this year and hopefully they will tell me if I’m dying or not.


So Britt and I are extending our lease through the end of June. We didn’t know we could do that, and as Mark put it, it’s a blessing.

1) Brittany and Eric want to move into a one-bedroom in our complex, but nothing is available until July 1st. With a May 31st move-out date, the two weren’t sure what to do. Britt desperately didn’t want to rent a storage unit, transport everything out of the apt, move into my Mom’s house and then move everything back a month later. What a hassle that would be.

2) Mark is working, and will be working until late May. His plan was to leave Hawaii the week we were moving, but that meant he would be running around like a crazy person trying to pack, help me pack and move everything in. We still need to get a couch and other furniture, and we haven’t even had an opportunity to walk through anywhere. Plus I’ve been searching for a while and haven’t found anything I love.

By moving our date back a month, Mark will be home and able to look at apartments with me, pick out furniture and pack everything up without also needing to run back and forth to work for weeks at a time. It’s just been too much to juggle. Britt can stay in the apartment for another month and then move everything two buildings over, which is a lot easier. It’s the perfect solution.

So I’ve stopped looking at apartments for now, which I’m grateful for! I’ll start again in May. Also, this means by the time we have our lease signed in June, I’ll know if I’m getting a raise and a bonus, so I’ll be able to better budget and plan for everything we need to buy.


We have a Bwood family reunion Memorial Day weekend in Maryland. Mark’s coming!! Hopefully, anyway. I’m excited. He really loves me and I love him. I am seriously on cloud 9 with him lately. I just don’t know how we got so lucky. Truly blessed by this person.

Also, his resume is made and the job search is on. I am so glad to hear he is happy to leave and ready to move on. This has been a long time coming. I had a mini melt down on Easter, and I told him everything I was feeling. He responded so amazingly well. Now, we are creating a plan and moving forward and I think there is a lot of good coming our way.


I have plans this weekend but I have already decided to cancel all of them.

Happy Wednesday

A pound of goat cheese and a shooting star

I just ate, a pound of goat cheese.

Last Thursday, lunch was bought for us and after much mental anguish, I ordered a panini. And I was full and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. So, this week, I ordered a chicken salad with goat cheese, walnuts, red pepper and some other shit.

Then I went to the gym and worked out. And then I ate the entire salad. ALL the goat cheese, all the walnuts, even some pieces of bread on the side. I should have ordered the panini, my lord.

I am currently comfortable in my workpants in a way I haven’t been in sometime. But, if I over eat, they become really uncomfortable. It’s my extremely literal version of Lap-Band surgery: Eat too much and the band around my lap cuts off circulation to my lower body. Ordering a salad was my attempt to feel comfortable for the rest of the day, and I ½ failed. Maybe eating a quarter pound of goat cheese would’ve done the trick.

I’ll probably go back to the gym at the end of the day now.


Yesterday, Brittany and I went for a walk on the boardwalk. I haven’t been to the beach in longer than I can remember. It was freezing, but nice to be there. And, while on the boardwalk, I saw my first shooting star. It holds no significance other than I’ve never seen one, and I finally caught a glimpse of a trailing ball of fire directly over the ocean.

A group of older people were near us and they yelled, “Whoa – did you see that?” so I know it was real. It’s good to see something for the first time and immediately have strangers confirm it for you.

Lake Como looked beautiful. Britt remarked that it looked like it was glowing. And the crowd of hunched over homes surrounding it, and the glow of all the street lights and home lights, really made it look beautiful, messy, and as free of any flaws or defects. I love Lake Como. I’ve ran it countless times and always enjoy my time beside those mean geese and that crystal water. I remember watching them pump the water back into the lake, and restore it’s sands and rebuild the broken houses that had crumpled around it from underneath Sandy’s winds. And now, it’s back. Different, but still beautiful. I love my town.


Today is Thursday. I love Thursday. Love it, because that means it is almost Friday. The weeks are flying by. It’s already mid-to-late March. Can you believe it?


My plans for the weekend: I made dinner plans with some girlfriends on Sunday. I am keeping Friday and Saturday open. We’ll see what comes up. I want to reach out to KB but I also don’t want to go up there, so I’m being selfish in my laziness, though I need to see her, and I love her, and I want to plan Vegas out, and she’s my best friend. Ah damn- I’ll text her. Maybe her and BK are hanging in Marlboro this weekend and I can shoot over. That’s what I’ll do.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

28.5

This weekend I spent time with my mom and it was really nice. I see her more like a friend these days, and I like her as a friend. My mom’s a good friend.

I watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and Fox Catcher. I went to Asbury for dinner and drinks with some of B’s friends, and they were really nice. And, I spent time with my bog-jumping beau.


Today is my half birthday. Six months from now, it will be Thursday. I will probably have taken the day off from work. I will be turning 29. It will be my last year in my twenties. I will probably get a massage and feel really weird about being 29. I don’t envy me then.

But that’s not today. Today I am 28 and 1/2. And at 28 and 1/2, things are good.

  • Mark came home for one day, and it was great. We reconnected and I feel rejuvenated. And optimistic. And excited. And happy.

We talked about his job, and moving in together, living as DINKs for a while but not for too long. Going on vacation, getting a new car, having kids, just things. COUPLE THINGS that people who love each other talk about. It was great. We went to St. Stephen’s of course, had dinner, a few drinks- just lots of easy going fun. Anyway, yes I love my boyfriend of nearly 4 years very much, even though the stress of distance gets to me and I become fickle and talk about running off. This problem is not permanent, but we are. It’s going to be crazy in the summer when he’s home a lot– and we’re living together — I’m looking forward to it!

  • I am doing better and better at work, learning new things, making fewer mistakes, getting busier and busier.
  • My workouts are going – I am really enjoying the office gym and doing my Kayla workouts at home. We are on track for June and all the bikinis I can get my hands on.
  • It’s getting warmer- 44 degrees feels like heaven. I feel happier simply because of the weather.
  • My room is clean and my laundry is done
  • People complimented me on my desk today, saying it looks cute and “like she’s at home”. That’s what I was going for.
  • Robert Durst was arrested. Always good.
  • And that’s it. But that’s absolutely enough for me to announce this 1/2 birthday as a successful one.

Tomorrow’s Wednesday. I have zero plans for this weekend. I should keep it that way because I am really trying to spend $0 these next two weeks, as usual.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!

Blessed

Updates from recent history:

  • I used my Vegetti for last week’s lunches and this week’s. Here’s a tip: You need at least two zucchinis for 4 small servings. I think it’s better to give yourself like a whole zucchini per meal per person. I used two zuchinis this week for 4 lunches and next week I’d probably add a third. The “zoodles” as the Paleoholics call em’ are delicious though. I sauteed them with a bit of cooking spray, garlic and onion. Some red sauce, chicken sausage and ricotta leaves each lunch at 281 cals (12g carbs, 10g fat, 35g protein, 7g sugar).
  • I went my office gym today. It’s pretty awesome, and not crowded! Plenty of cardio machines, free weights and weight lifting machines, and a private room you can use to do DVD workout sessions with a large projector screen. And hardly anyone was in there… I think I could use the projection room to do my Kayla Itsine’s workout when we start that back up. Also, there are showers and towels and shampoo, conditioner and lotion so I’m all set to workout during lunch without smelling the place up for the rest of the day.
  • There really is something nice about working out mid-day though. It’s nice to get your heart rate up and to separate from the office for a bit, especially on such a nice day as this. I think this will be as good for my mental clarity as it will my body.
  • I like Big Sean, which really shouldn’t surprise you. I love this song and I claim it as my own, because I too am “bleessseedd”.

Cubicle Designs, and Complacency

I am feeling better! That’s a true exclamation- thank God.

So I finally got around to decorating this cubicle a little bit. The picture does no justice because the depth is completely off- but here it is:

cubicle design

The lighting is much better when I have the overhead lights on, and it doesn’t look as strangely spaced in real life- it looks really cute. The lamp actually gives off a soft glow, so it feels warm and homey. My computer is 90 degrees to the left from the blue picture, so when I turn my head to the right it’s like a reminder of everything and everyone that is important. It makes work feel like a solace.

The space with the big signs over top is actually directly behind me when I’m on my computer, and below are drawers where I keep my snacks, workout clothes, etc. So I turn to that spot a lot to grab things, and I like that I have some motivation and beach themes staring back at me. The little sign under the large ones says “You and me at the sea” and has sea turtles on it, with shells in a vase and blue vase beside it. Blue is my favorite.

Framed I have pictures from some very special memories:

  • Britt and me at the redwods
  • Kari and me at a Mets game
  • Eric, Britt and me at CJs bar after I came back from Hawaii
  • Eric and Mark mid-conversation at Paul’s, right before Eric moved to California
  • A picture of the ocean in Belmar, with Britt and my’s (I’s, me’s?) shadows
  • A picture of Mark and I at the Hoover Dam
  • A pic of Mark in Las Vegas
  • A picture of Maureen, Britt and K and I in front of the tree in Rockefeller Center

Okay, you’re saying, it doesn’t look that good. But it looks good in person and it makes me smile when I get to my cube- which is a big difference these days. Next I would like to get some frames for the pictures hanging on the walls, and a tapestry to hang on the wall above my tissues to break up the cream colors. But anyway…


I had a 4lb brisket in the crock pot all night and when I woke up this morning, it only tasted okay. I had included 2 cups of a sauce I made but when I opened that sucker, there was way more than 2 cups of water. I feel like the thing got boiled to death. It is tender as heck though, so I did a few flavor saving things this morning and I’m praying that it’ll be delicious by the time I get home… for Brittany’s sake. We get 8 servings out of this thing and we are going to eat it


I am working on Mark’s resume this week, thank goodness. He has finally gotten to that point where he’s finished working this type of job. It’s like, it’s nice that he makes the money he does, but he is never around to actually spend it or enjoy any part of his life- so toss it. Anyway, glad he’s seeing my way now. (How shitty does that sound? He’s not seeing it “my way”, he’s simply put things into a different perspective). One of my friends got laid off this week, and another friend started a new job yesterday. It’s so fluid- things come and go, beginnings and endings- you’re only in control of so much, but you want to act in the areas you do have a say in.

A friend asked me this weekend, is complacency always a bad thing? I think yes it is, because it means you’re not making changes you need or want to make simply because you’re comfortable- and maybe even lazy. The opposite of being complacent, I think, is being content. You don’t need to make changes because you’re happy where you are. When you’re complacent, you’re not actually happy. Fuck complacency. It is such a subtle killer.


It’s snowing outside, and I’m at work. The weatherman said tonight’s commute is going to be bad and “maybe even impossible.” What does that even mean? Sleeping in my car?


This coming weekend I have dinner for KV’s birthday on Friday… and so far I think that’s it. I spent a lot this week so I should keep it low key for the rest of the weekend, if I can, and I also am going to maintain my diet this weekend because there’s no such thing a “losing weight” and “3 cheat days”, so keeping things light is a good idea. But it’s only Tuesday, so who knows.

Au revoir!

I’m doing it wrong.

If there really is no “God” as I had perceived him, and there is really no afterlife, and if this is truly all that we have of a life experience – then I am wasting my time here. We should be traveling, and we should be volunteering and helping people who are having far worse life experiences than us, and we should should be doing the things that make us happy and bring us peace- and not the things that keep us complacent or make us miserable.

It is time to stop living like I have a million chances and lives ahead of me. It’s time to stop being unhappy and worried about shit that is as inconsequential as us.

I don’t think I can keep living this. And it’s funny, making my goal salary has left me realizing just how much more there is to being alive.

The Year of the Now (What)

I am writing this from my new iPad, which I inherited from the office to review the work I do on the app. I’ve never really used a tablet before, but I like it.

I also have a new iPhone 6, unlimited sick days, five weeks of paid vacation, a free gym membership, and so on. These things are perks and I don’t want to turn this into a job blog, so we’re moving on to say….

I have spent so much of my time over the last 4 years job searching, that l I’m not really so sure what’s next. I need a new identity and new things to preoccupy my mind space.

For instance, I am no longer fantasizing about or pining over a higher salary; I am no longer seething over an employer who takes me for granted ( or whatever my disgruntled rumblings were ); I’m suddenly spared the time I spent worrying what to spend on groceries and wondering where I’ll get a deposit for our next apartment…

That’s a lot of brain power to replace. And I’ve thought about replacing it with a million things, and then I realized how crazy that was. I’m leaving it alone.

I am not going to worry about what’s next. I just want to chill. It took me 2 hours to get home tonight, which was unchill, then I made broccoli chicken cheddar purée, er soup, for Britt and I which took an hour or so. Then I watched Kate Plus 8 with Britt and talked on the phone with Mark, and ironed my clothes… And I was just content! Calm and content. No worries about reading before bed or doing a workout or being mad at Mark because his job bothers me. Nothing like that. I am leaving the blank space blank, and I am relaxed. Finally.

The early mornings don’t get to me, I’m relatively lively all day, i come home to a good life. I’m happy and I want to take a minute and just be instead of always thinking ahead. So if that’s my resolution fine- let this year not be filled with self-imposed worries.

Haas gets married on Saturday, Britt turns 27 in a few weeks, Mark will be home in a few days.. January is a good month, despite the cold.

And just for history’s sake, since so many of my plans fall through and live on only in here… This summer possibly Hawaii again, August is Vegas for the twins’ and Eric’s 30th birthdays, and definitely a vacation with Mark next December during our time off. Or so goes the supposed plan.

Wherever you are, be all there