Ten years ago today

This is what I wrote on October 12, 2007. It was a Friday:
“Tonight was very good. Me and K.Needs going out was a great idea.

And let me just say, FORGET YOU. I know, that’s so lame.. but honestly.. forget you. i cant believe you were there. Blaaaah..

Josh loves me. So thats all I need I guess, men wise.

Jesus help me.”

 

  1. That was probably the night Kari and I started to become close. 10 years later, she is still a good friend of mine, but we don’t see each other as much. She moved to New York, and our friendship always has its ups and downs, but I’m glad we went to Escondidos that night or wherever.
  2. I have no idea who I am yelling about. Forget you… who could that be honestly? I know it wasn’t Joe because he is still in Florida according to my next post.
  3. Josh… well I couldn’t tell you the last time I spoke to him.
  4. Jesus. I wrote a lot about God back then. I mean, so much it’s hard to read. I’m actually happy that I’m not like that anymore.

So today at work I went through a little reminiscing and read through my old blogs. I’m so glad life is easier now. At least, we make it easier on ourselves. There’s so much less “what if, what should I do, where am I supposed to be, what’s going to happen, am I the person I should be” bullshit clogging up my mind. Now, things are simple and happy and easy really.

In reading my old terrible blog, I also found this from the summer of 2008:

“I want to be loved and adored and bring a smile to someones face and to be the light of their eye and their best friend and the person they turn to for everything. I know I want to love, and adore, and smile, and have a light in my eye and a best friend and someone to turn to for everything. I want that person to be my other half.”

Well, of all the things I wanted in my early 20’s, this statement still rings true. And I am happy to report, I do have that person. Mark and I have been together now for over six years, which will never stop being crazy to me. When once relationships barely trudged past the eight month mark, six years seems like an accomplishment. And even though more and more couples are reaching six, seven, eight, nine, whatever years… and six is less remarkable… I’m still in awe. I was 24 when we started dating, and now I’m 31, which is also remarkable.

Mark and I have gone through a renaissance. Over the summer, we spent 2 weeks apart. We had to. And it was the best thing we’ve ever done. I have not felt more connected to him than I do now in God knows how long. When you are in a long-term relationship, you ebb and flow sure…but we really needed to re-evaluate. What you want at 24 and 31 are obviously – hopefully – different. And we need to grow together. So I think we just needed to look at ourselves and our relationship and really consider, is this where we should be?

And the answer was a resounding yes. We should be here, together, and we are. And it’s great. It’s great to be in love. SEASONED love, with history and goals and truth behind it. But God damn it’s not always easy and God damn it’s not always fun. But he’s just the best. I’m so lucky to have found such a great partner, because I’m an idiot. When it comes to dating, and granted having started dating Mark at 24 I don’t have a LOT of dating experience… but I was not good at picking men. Like, I put up with being treated like shit a lot. Which is probably pretty normal for most people. You learn your worth as you go on.

But it’s still fun to look back, and be so glad I’m not in any of those old places anymore, but have fondness for them.

Today, I don’t have any toxic relationships in my life. All of my relationships are with people I’ve known for a long time, people who love me, and people I want to be around. I don’t have things I have to do… I live a life with good people and things I like doing. I am 100% content staying in watching TLC and Teen Mom and Netflix docs and HBO. I just am content.

Except for… this COMMUTE. My god seriously… it has to come to an end. So it will. Mark and I are actively working to fix some things so we have more time together at home.

But otherwise, I’m good, and that’s great. I feel lucky.

I did sign up for a GRE prep course. I finished the verbal course, my vocabulary could be freshened up a bit but overall that part was easy.

The math course on the other hand… damn. I don’t think I’ll ever go back for my MBA because I don’t know math at all. I feel too dumb for the prep course, let alone the actual GRE. But maybe I’ll find it in me to try a little harder.

Again. still an idiot, but just a different kind of idiot.

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Britt is married

This past weekend, Brittany and Eric got married. The entire wedding itself was a blur. They go really fast, so enjoy every moment before the wedding, because you won’t remember it at all.

The night before

The night before, Britt and Eric rented out Jersey Shore BBQ for their rehearsal dinner. It was really great. The entire restaurant was filled with their friends and family, and JSBQQ served each table family style. Mark and I were sitting at a small table with dad, and we had: Salad, ribs, mac and cheese, kielbasa, pulled pork, brisket, pork belly bites, and berry cobbler. That’s at least what I can remember them passing out. Definitely worth it if anyone ever needs a catered dinner! BYOB and it was ~30 a head. I would do that for like my next birthday. And the staff was awesome as always.

The day of

Britt and I stayed in the hotel together the night before, and then we had a very early morning wake up call. Her bridesmaids, mom and dina all spent the morning and afternoon drinking mimosas and munching on cold cuts and fruit as we had our hair and makeup done.

By 3 we headed out to the venue and took pictures. At 5PM we were getting ready for the wedding itself, and that’s when someone hit fast forward.

Weddings are too fast to comprehend

Suddenly, we were lined up outside the ceremony door. I forgot Brittany’s handkerchief but couldn’t run upstairs. The maître d’  was instructing us, you go – wait – now you go – wait. Within what felt like 5 seconds, I was the last one to walk down the aisle. I smiled and didn’t look at anyone, and I don’t even know if I walked too fast but I think I did.

Eric’s abuela was in the front row, crying hysterically. Hayley, who I never expected to get emotional, started crying next to me – and then I started crying. As Brittany walked down the aisle I tried to take it in, but it was just so much at once! She was beautiful, look at my dad, DON’T LOOK AT ABUELA, take her flowers, pass them down, fluff the veil, get the flowers back, stand still, are you smiling? – don’t cry.

It sounds silly, but honestly so much was just happening at once.

Then, it was over. It was a really nice ceremony, it was quick, it was sweet, and then the pressure was off. They walked down the aisle, lalala, John and I grabbed arms and we all made our way to the cocktail hour. Then someone pressed fast forward again.

Cocktail hour minute

It’s really hard to be at a wedding where you virtually know every single person there. My family on both sides, all of Brittany and Eric’s friends (many of which are also mine)… it was hard to eat. It was hard to walk 5 feet without being stopped, or making eye contact and needing to stop. It went really really fast, but I was able to grab one plate before it was over. Mark was able to find a table of our friends to sit with, and I found refuge there for 10 minutes before being pulled away to prepare for the entrance

The entrance and the speech

All the guests were ushered into the reception room, and we were pulled some where else. The lovely maître d’  brought in a plate of food for Eric and Brittany, since they hadn’t eaten at the cocktail hour.

Then, we were lined up again. John and I were last to enter so we didn’t see anyone else’s entrance, but we were told Mark and Marissa’s was the best, and we were second best? I’m just glad we didn’t look like idiots – those entrances can be awful.

At this point, everyone in the bridal party was done. Nothing left to do but eat and drink. Except for me and John. Now we were really sweating because it was immediately time for speeches. Oh God dammit, that speech!

I had worked on mine for the last month. I practiced it for Mark once and he gave me a lot of notes. Basically he told me to remove or fix every joke I made. So I did, and I practiced the new speech every day in my car on the way to and from work. I had it memorized, but I was so nervous I would get stage fright and forget it once I was up there.

  • First, my dad gave his speech. And he did forget it in the beginning… it was a little rough but then it was sweet, and he cried, and everyone in the room cried, and everyone commended him.
  • Second, Che goes. Che has to follow her crying dad. When I first went up there, I was still crying so I had to give myself a moment. Then – I went into public speaking mode and it was pretty great. I didn’t miss a beat, and everyone “aww’d” at the right moments and laughed at my new jokes. I’m definitely self centered because now I can’t stop reciting my speech. I really liked it and I like the attention, and I liked all the compliments. I’m a monster. I know this. Mark gave me such a sweet kiss afterward. He was so proud of me and was absolutely more nervous than I was, which is wonderful of him
  • Third, John goes. And it’s hilarious. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

And then it was over. I danced, I ate (the prime rib was ACTUALLY DELICIOUS and wedding food is never good), I drank, I tried to spend time with everyone. I went to each table I knew and talked for a bit, and I feel like I didn’t spend much time with anyone at all.

It really was a very very fun night, but it was also an amazing view into what my own wedding will be like.

Lessons learned

The wedding is about you and the person you love vowing to spend your lives together. Then, its about celebrating with your closest friends and family, and the obligatory people you also need to invite. As such:

  • There is no need to spend $30,000 or put yourself in a financial hole. It is one day of your life and you will barely remember it or get to enjoy all the things you spent so much money on.
  • Remember what is important – marrying the person you love. Don’t fight with your friends or family beforehand. Do not become a bitch or a crazy person. Those things you let upset you now will not matter at all in the end.

Mark and I have talked about having a destination wedding, and my biggest concern has always been that not everyone would come. And I still don’t like that part of it. But now that I’ve been through this, I have some new ideas I never expected to have.

  • I kind of love the idea of a destination wedding. Just me, Mark, our immediate family, and the few friends who can afford to come. I mainly love the idea of being married outside in Hawaii where he took me 3 years ago. Oahu. Just a beautiful, non conventional (no banquet hall bullshit) and meaningful to us moment. It has so much meaning to Mark’s life and is a part of our relationship. Chi-chi’s on the beach! A traditional Hawaiian ceremony. A pig roast and conch call. Seriously.
  • I also really like the idea of not having a bridal party. Just Brittany and Hayley on my side, and maybe Brendan and Eric on Mark’s. I have a lot of friends I absolutely adore and would love for everyone to stand beside me, but not everyone can. And in the end, no one is more important than my 2 sisters. And Eric is now Mark’s brother, and Brendan is his closest friend. I think that’s perfect. Forget the madness of everything else.

Of course the downside to all of this is money. We would have a very small wedding count so we wouldn’t get many gifts. And I would need to help my sisters throw my shower because it would be too expensive for just the two of them (though I am happy to just throw it in my dad’s back yard). And of course, we would need to help some family who must be there fly out, because they certainly couldn’t afford it on their own.

But, if they aren’t helping us pay, they can take that money toward the traveling expenses. And if we aren’t throwing a huge 150-200 person wedding, we wouldn’t need to make a ton of money back, so the gifts wouldn’t really matter.

And at the end of the day, it would be what we wanted, nothing more or less. And that is what a wedding should be.

  • I also sometimes like the idea of getting married at town hall and then just throwing a huge party, but I don’t know if I would actually like that once it happened. Unless the court was filled with friends and family, then it could be awesome.

Summer 2016

I want to talk about my sister getting married.


 

I don’t know the last time I wrote in here but since whenever that was, little Brittany got engaged. Here is how it went down from my perspective.

  1. Saturday night Mark and I went to a party at John’s.
  2. Sunday around 4pm we are both napping.
  3. Eric calls me twice. I answer the second time.
  4. He and Brittany have just come home from camping, and he learned she wanted a private engagement – not one with the whole family there. Eric had been planning on proposing in front of the entire family. Plans are changing. “Ché – I have the ring. I think I should propose tonight. Will you and Mark come down to the beach and take pictures… or if you’re hurting, we can do it next weekend.”
  5. “Eric – let’s do it.”
  6. I run to Best Buy to grab a new charger for my camera, and beg the battery to charge at least a little before we  leave.
  7. I cry intermittently throughout the afternoon, at Best Buy, sitting on the couch, driving to the shore. I have to get my shit together.
  8. Mark and I arrive in Spring lake around 9. We sit on a bench in the shadows. We wait like an hour. We’re tired, and staring at every stranger who walks by.
  9. There! I see a flash of a camera on the beach. Brittany’s taking selfies.
  10. They are walking to the boardwalk.
  11. They’re under the streetlamp- Eric is hugging her. I’m sure he’s shaking.
  12. I’m shaking.
  13. I snap a photo – it’s loud. I duck behind Mark.
  14. Eric gets down on one knee. I snap more photos. Brittany is beyond surprised.
  15. Mark tells me to get closer – I say I have to hide – he says why? The secret is out.
  16.  I walk closer, taking blurry photos because I don’t have the flash on.
  17. Eric says “Ché and Mark are here”, Britt turns and says “whaaat?”. She lets out one sob. It was funny.
  18. We hug.
  19. The ring is beautiful.
  20. We take more pictures.
  21. We head to CJ’s for a late late dinner and drinks for them.

Since then:

Venue is booked, Wedding is 8 months away, Bachelorette party is in the middle of planning, Mark and I have said yes to being in their bridal party, I started the speech, the save the dates are on their way.

I am learning so much about weddings – how expensive they are, how much coordination they require, and my GOD how sensitive family is.

It’s happening so fast, but I am so happy. I love Eric. We’ve been friends since we were roommates in Belmar. We’ve been best friends. And he and Mark get along really well, which is something Britt and I always hoped for.

It’s so wonderful and surreal and also, stressful at times. But that’s okay. My job is to keep everyone calmed, and I’m doing well. I am the peacekeeper! Mark’s proud, my mom’s grateful, and Britt is breathing easily.


New Car

In late April or early May, the Scion died. Driving on the parkway it just stopped accelerating. I was listening to a podcast in my headphones, because the Scion had no adapter to use, and once the podcast ended I noticed a weird noise. Within 5 minutes I was on the side of the road. It was completely donezo – needs a new engine.

So I finally bought myself a new car! My first ever new car. My mom is a miracle worker and got me approved for a loan at several banks before finding the best rate. I ended up locking in a 2.6% rate which is amazing. My credit is really  good – which is also amazing because 6 years ago it was terrible.

I got a Nissan Rogue. I wanted a compact SUV for storage and space but nothing so big I can’t drive it. I also needed something that wouldn’t be too bad on  gas since I still commute 4 days a week.

It’s black like I wanted and now I have bluetooth syncing so I can listen to all the podcasts I want, and talk on the phone through the speakers. It reads my texts to me, and it has a backup camera. All things that have been available since 2000 or earlier.. but new to me! The Scion didn’t even have an AUX port.. so you know, this is wonderful.and really all I could afford in terms of new cars.

2016-black-nissan-rogue

Mark helped me with the down payment and for that I’m eternally grateful!  I have a 5 year finance on it and then I’ll own it. If it’s still good, I’ll keep it – or I’ll sell it. Maybe I’ll even work close enough to home by then that I can lease a car in the next 5 years — oh the possibilities.


MONEY

Let’s talk it.

  1. In October I’ll get my first ever substantial bonus. Savings.
  2. I’m hoping to get 1,000 for the Scion (the guy is putting in a new engine and thinks he can sell it for 5K). After paying him for his work and my mom for fronting the cost of the engine. Whatever I get – Savings.
  3. Obviously in February I’ll have my tax return – hopefully 2,ooo or so. Savings.
  4. Continue the 100/wk I put aside now. Savings.
  5. I am still working on cutting back spending so my checking can remain healthy and full. I need to spend less so I can save more.

Why? Because Mark and I are getting engaged this year and weddings are expensive. My mom is not giving me nearly what she’s giving Britt. I am hoping for $10,000 from my parents basically. Then, whatever Marks family can give.

Mark will need to front the rest. I don’t like that, though I don’t think he’ll care. But I am saving now so that I can help toward the wedding too, and because a good savings is fucking important to me. If not for the wedding, for the eventual house.

I just get stupid and don’t save enough. Plus with the new car, my finances can be as tight as I let them be. It’s up to me to make it work. I hope to have $10,000 in savings by the time I get my tax return. That shouldn’t be impossible.

 


Mexico.

We’re  staying in a bungalo on the beach, walking distance to Mayan Ruins. Not all inclusive – no we’re staying in  a small town where we can eat with the locals each night. There is no wifi, no TV. Limited electricity. Just Mark and I eating fresh food, drinking cerveza, swimming in the cenotes, and exploring the beaches of Tulum.

We’re staying in this on the La Zebra resort. I just can’t wait to spend 9 days disconnected, exploring and sunbathing with Mark. If there is one thing that rejuvenates us, its a week on a beach, in a town we can walk through.

la-zebra-boutique-hotel-tulum-mexico-penthouse-view

This is my first non-inclusive Mexico vacation. I love that Mark pushes me out of my comfort zone and says, yeah maybe it’ll cost more, but let’s really experience something. It’s completely paid off now, save for like $700 to pay upon arrival. The flight is paid, the shuttle service is ready, the room is waiting.


But First!

Jeff Ward gets married next week. So we have to do that.

I am leading the Twitter handle launch for my department. That is very fancy sounding, or not at all , but its keeping me busy.

We’re going to see the Deftones next week, which is Mark’s band, not mine,  but everyone goes when they’re in town and that’s a lot of fun.


 

The End

Today is my 7 year whoische anniversary, and I think it’s an appropriate time to end this blog.

Practically, I don’t think blogging is safe. I don’t think we live in a world any longer where its wise to confide anything online that you wouldn’t want shared or seen. For that alone, I think secret writing spaces are better kept on your C: drive than the WordPress servers.

But also, this blog was created when I was 21. I very much so did not know who I was, and over the last 7 years I’ve written about trying to answer that question. College, boyfriends, heartbreaks, vacations, new friends, lost friends, moving out, first jobs, roommates… there is so much growth and naivety and questioning encased in these posts. This blog served it’s purpose because it was witness to me trying to answer the question we all face when we’re young; who are we and who do we want to be?

But, life is different now and the things I want to talk about don’t fit in here. I need a new type of outlet. This doesn’t feel appropriate anymore.

So a final recap:

Life is good. It’s more predictable than it used to be, but I love it and the older I get the happier I become.

I am lucky and blessed every single day.

My sister is my best friend, Mark is my entire heart, my family is my backbone and my friends are my joy.

I’m a woman with a sense of urgency and confidence, who is silly and not witty, but sometimes funny, one who knows what she deserves and goes after it, and one who loves and is loved in return, who is humble and forgiving and gracious, and full of life and excited to pursue it, who is insecure at times and has a lazy eye. I am a woman who makes mistakes and has huge weaknesses, who is loyal and friendly, who tries to remain approachable and is never okay with settling. I am a lot of things, and I embrace those things. The good and the shitty.

So there’s the answer to the question. And now, let’s leave this little blog alone to serve as a reminder of the tortures and delights of being in your 20s.

Thanks for reading with me.

I’m so full of steak

Life has been pretty busy lately since my friend gave me her bad news last week. She loved the flowers.

Things are going well over here. I am in week 5 of my Kayla workouts and I am seeing changes, which is great. When I did this routine last  year, I got to the end of week 7 before going to Bonnaroo and then Hawaii, which is around the time I fell off. That means I have 3 weeks to get myself to where I was last time we hit week 7, or even better.

So, to help things along, I am working out 5 days a week. I do Kayla 3x a week and cardio at least twice a week when not doing Kayla. I would like to workout 6x a week, but 5 is my goal for now. I am also, this week, eating mainly only protein. It’s a quick way to drop some bloating and get myself away from carbs. I did however eat too much last night… my steak for dinner was way too big and I’m like still full. I’m definitely not going to lose weight if I gorge myself on red meat.. but it was delicious.

Lastly, I am not drinking alcohol until Brendan’s birthday. That would be a 12 day hiatus, which will be the longest I’ve gone in awhile. I want to see how I physically change w/o booze. My face will thin further and I won’t be bloated. I think I’ll get to bed early and wake up earlier (I’m still waiting on that), and I’ll save money. But all of that is secondary to how it’ll help my progress.

Truly I wanted to be alcohol free for all of April, but I drank on Easter and last Friday because Mark came home and we went out. My friend was like, “Ché! What about BK’s birthday???” And she’s right – I want to go out that night. So we’ll stick to 12 days, break for Brendan, and then jump back on.

My plan is to also weigh myself on Brendan’s birthday and see where I’m at…. I have a goal in  mind and I also am horrified of weighing myself, so all of that fear and terror combined will hopefully keep me on track.

Also, I am not smoking. I really think I’m going to die of lung cancer. I smoked for soo long. I literally can not smoke anymore because I feel like I am choosing to die and I really don’t want to die! I am going to get a physical sometime this year and hopefully they will tell me if I’m dying or not.


So Britt and I are extending our lease through the end of June. We didn’t know we could do that, and as Mark put it, it’s a blessing.

1) Brittany and Eric want to move into a one-bedroom in our complex, but nothing is available until July 1st. With a May 31st move-out date, the two weren’t sure what to do. Britt desperately didn’t want to rent a storage unit, transport everything out of the apt, move into my Mom’s house and then move everything back a month later. What a hassle that would be.

2) Mark is working, and will be working until late May. His plan was to leave Hawaii the week we were moving, but that meant he would be running around like a crazy person trying to pack, help me pack and move everything in. We still need to get a couch and other furniture, and we haven’t even had an opportunity to walk through anywhere. Plus I’ve been searching for a while and haven’t found anything I love.

By moving our date back a month, Mark will be home and able to look at apartments with me, pick out furniture and pack everything up without also needing to run back and forth to work for weeks at a time. It’s just been too much to juggle. Britt can stay in the apartment for another month and then move everything two buildings over, which is a lot easier. It’s the perfect solution.

So I’ve stopped looking at apartments for now, which I’m grateful for! I’ll start again in May. Also, this means by the time we have our lease signed in June, I’ll know if I’m getting a raise and a bonus, so I’ll be able to better budget and plan for everything we need to buy.


We have a Bwood family reunion Memorial Day weekend in Maryland. Mark’s coming!! Hopefully, anyway. I’m excited. He really loves me and I love him. I am seriously on cloud 9 with him lately. I just don’t know how we got so lucky. Truly blessed by this person.

Also, his resume is made and the job search is on. I am so glad to hear he is happy to leave and ready to move on. This has been a long time coming. I had a mini melt down on Easter, and I told him everything I was feeling. He responded so amazingly well. Now, we are creating a plan and moving forward and I think there is a lot of good coming our way.


I have plans this weekend but I have already decided to cancel all of them.

Happy Wednesday

Lost

“I miscarried this morning. I don’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to let you know there will be no baby in December.”

That is the text I woke up to this morning. She sent it to me at 5:45 AM after walking to the bathroom and profusely bleeding all over the tiled floor.

My friend was only a month pregnant, but they had already picked out names. After years of not being able to decide on a boys name, they had agreed to one just last week. We laughed over the name on the phone; it was the exact name Mark and I had picked out for our imaginary boy. I hoped she would have a girl.

My friend was nervous about having a miscarriage. She is high-risk for them, though she has never actually had one before, and a person in her family  had a miscarriage only a month ago. I told her, over and over, not to worry. You are a different woman than your family member, there is no use in being scared of something that probably won’t happen. Just enjoy this!

“There will be no baby in December.”

The doctor confirmed it this morning at 8:30 AM.

I walked to the bathroom at work, sat in a stall, and cried for my friend. I cried this morning. I could cry for her right now.

I can’t imagine the grief she feels from losing what was a promise of motherhood, of a long 36 weeks, little kicks and day dreaming about a new, little personality. And I cry because I know how scared she is going to be next time she gets pregnant. And I cry because these things stay with women forever and change them. The enormous pain that is growing inside her, the pain that replaced that Christmas baby we were so looking forward to.

She hadn’t shared the news of her pregnancy with anyone yet, because of her fears of miscarrying. But she told me, and now I carry the burden of being one of the few who even knew that little life existed. Mourning the loss of something we didn’t even have yet. My poor, poor friend.

I sent her flowers. I didn’t know if I should – would she hate these flowers? Would they just be a floral-scented reminder of her never-to-be-born baby? A reminder of everything that she lost this morning, wrapped in a bow? I don’t know, but I think it’s nice to acknowledge that she did lose something, even if no one else knows it. Especially since no one else knows it.

I just wrote “I love you, and am here for you always.”  She can throw them out if she wants; I doubt they’ll stay on her kitchen table to be gawked at.

“I’m here for you always”, the card pointing at her as she cooks dinner for two. As she has a glass of wine. As she looks at her empty tummy.

I don’t think she’ll want those flowers.

Magnetic, immediate, lust

I am stuck here, for an unknown amount of time, and I have worked myself to the point of having just a moment to stop and think. Today was incredibly busy, which I am always a fan of – busy is good. Time flies, and you feel accomplished. But, now I have a few seconds as I wait on something.

You know what I find most interesting; that instant connection you sometimes have with people that is undeniable. I’m talking like a severe attraction to them that you cannot explain. I think its completely biological; these people don’t have to be the most good looking, or the smartest, they may not dress the way you want or even live the type of life you’re after, but you can’t help the sparks that fly. It’s always obvious with these people – you stand really close, you touch, you swarm them whenever they’re around- and they you.

I’ve had this connection with several people and it’s just absolutely impossible to ignore. When I was young, I would pursue these people – just for whatever. To hang out, make out, or what have you. But… what happens after you are settled in. Settled down with the last person you’re ever going to sleep with, or be with. The individuals with that biological, magnetic pull will still pass through your life. I think that’s when it’s decision making time; do not go out of your way to see them, talk to them. Don’t be alone with them. Don’t talk with them a lot or feed into that strange, unexplainable desire.

That’s why cheating is so easy. Of course, you don’t cheat with anyone- but if you find another of your chemistry soulmates, and you happen to be in close quarters with them often for whatever reason.. well that’s when things get dicey. That’s when good people fall to bad choices, and hearts are broken, and lust breaks up things you spent years building. I don’t think these spark-wielding people really are who we should be with, because there are tons of them. You will settle down with one person whom attracted you, and then you will go through life and meet more. And the fact is maybe you could have had a life with a few of these people… maybe you would even fallen in love and lived your life out with them. But, you don’t get to live a bunch of long, full and different lives with a bunch of long-term, different lovers. Or at least, I don’t.  I think spreading your heart and your life out amongst too many people harms some major and important parts of you.

What you do, is nod- maybe think “gee what would that have been like…”, then you smile because it’s always nice to feel wanted by someone new…. and then you go back to your partner, and you remember all the millions of reasons why you did choose that person. Why you stopped chasing the fireworks and decided to invest longterm in this one, big-eyed person who made your heart beat a million miles a minute.

I wonder what creates that immediate and undeniable attraction. I do wish we could pursue every single one of them, just for the thrill. But that’s how you hurt like everyone, and I think life is just as much about jumping at opportunities as it is restraining yourself. Otherwise, you’re just kind of a selfish asshole. Don’t be an asshole.

LESSON: Don’t be an asshole.