This is what I wrote on October 12, 2007. It was a Friday:
“Tonight was very good. Me and K.Needs going out was a great idea.
And let me just say, FORGET YOU. I know, that’s so lame.. but honestly.. forget you. i cant believe you were there. Blaaaah..
Josh loves me. So thats all I need I guess, men wise.
Jesus help me.”
- That was probably the night Kari and I started to become close. 10 years later, she is still a good friend of mine, but we don’t see each other as much. She moved to New York, and our friendship always has its ups and downs, but I’m glad we went to Escondidos that night or wherever.
- I have no idea who I am yelling about. Forget you… who could that be honestly? I know it wasn’t Joe because he is still in Florida according to my next post.
- Josh… well I couldn’t tell you the last time I spoke to him.
- Jesus. I wrote a lot about God back then. I mean, so much it’s hard to read. I’m actually happy that I’m not like that anymore.
So today at work I went through a little reminiscing and read through my old blogs. I’m so glad life is easier now. At least, we make it easier on ourselves. There’s so much less “what if, what should I do, where am I supposed to be, what’s going to happen, am I the person I should be” bullshit clogging up my mind. Now, things are simple and happy and easy really.
In reading my old terrible blog, I also found this from the summer of 2008:
“I want to be loved and adored and bring a smile to someones face and to be the light of their eye and their best friend and the person they turn to for everything. I know I want to love, and adore, and smile, and have a light in my eye and a best friend and someone to turn to for everything. I want that person to be my other half.”
Well, of all the things I wanted in my early 20’s, this statement still rings true. And I am happy to report, I do have that person. Mark and I have been together now for over six years, which will never stop being crazy to me. When once relationships barely trudged past the eight month mark, six years seems like an accomplishment. And even though more and more couples are reaching six, seven, eight, nine, whatever years… and six is less remarkable… I’m still in awe. I was 24 when we started dating, and now I’m 31, which is also remarkable.
Mark and I have gone through a renaissance. Over the summer, we spent 2 weeks apart. We had to. And it was the best thing we’ve ever done. I have not felt more connected to him than I do now in God knows how long. When you are in a long-term relationship, you ebb and flow sure…but we really needed to re-evaluate. What you want at 24 and 31 are obviously – hopefully – different. And we need to grow together. So I think we just needed to look at ourselves and our relationship and really consider, is this where we should be?
And the answer was a resounding yes. We should be here, together, and we are. And it’s great. It’s great to be in love. SEASONED love, with history and goals and truth behind it. But God damn it’s not always easy and God damn it’s not always fun. But he’s just the best. I’m so lucky to have found such a great partner, because I’m an idiot. When it comes to dating, and granted having started dating Mark at 24 I don’t have a LOT of dating experience… but I was not good at picking men. Like, I put up with being treated like shit a lot. Which is probably pretty normal for most people. You learn your worth as you go on.
But it’s still fun to look back, and be so glad I’m not in any of those old places anymore, but have fondness for them.
Today, I don’t have any toxic relationships in my life. All of my relationships are with people I’ve known for a long time, people who love me, and people I want to be around. I don’t have things I have to do… I live a life with good people and things I like doing. I am 100% content staying in watching TLC and Teen Mom and Netflix docs and HBO. I just am content.
Except for… this COMMUTE. My god seriously… it has to come to an end. So it will. Mark and I are actively working to fix some things so we have more time together at home.
But otherwise, I’m good, and that’s great. I feel lucky.
I did sign up for a GRE prep course. I finished the verbal course, my vocabulary could be freshened up a bit but overall that part was easy.
The math course on the other hand… damn. I don’t think I’ll ever go back for my MBA because I don’t know math at all. I feel too dumb for the prep course, let alone the actual GRE. But maybe I’ll find it in me to try a little harder.
Again. still an idiot, but just a different kind of idiot.