The End

Today is my 7 year whoische anniversary, and I think it’s an appropriate time to end this blog.

Practically, I don’t think blogging is safe. I don’t think we live in a world any longer where its wise to confide anything online that you wouldn’t want shared or seen. For that alone, I think secret writing spaces are better kept on your C: drive than the WordPress servers.

But also, this blog was created when I was 21. I very much so did not know who I was, and over the last 7 years I’ve written about trying to answer that question. College, boyfriends, heartbreaks, vacations, new friends, lost friends, moving out, first jobs, roommates… there is so much growth and naivety and questioning encased in these posts. This blog served it’s purpose because it was witness to me trying to answer the question we all face when we’re young; who are we and who do we want to be?

But, life is different now and the things I want to talk about don’t fit in here. I need a new type of outlet. This doesn’t feel appropriate anymore.

So a final recap:

Life is good. It’s more predictable than it used to be, but I love it and the older I get the happier I become.

I am lucky and blessed every single day.

My sister is my best friend, Mark is my entire heart, my family is my backbone and my friends are my joy.

I’m a woman with a sense of urgency and confidence, who is silly and not witty, but sometimes funny, one who knows what she deserves and goes after it, and one who loves and is loved in return, who is humble and forgiving and gracious, and full of life and excited to pursue it, who is insecure at times and has a lazy eye. I am a woman who makes mistakes and has huge weaknesses, who is loyal and friendly, who tries to remain approachable and is never okay with settling. I am a lot of things, and I embrace those things. The good and the shitty.

So there’s the answer to the question. And now, let’s leave this little blog alone to serve as a reminder of the tortures and delights of being in your 20s.

Thanks for reading with me.

I’m so full of steak

Life has been pretty busy lately since my friend gave me her bad news last week. She loved the flowers.

Things are going well over here. I am in week 5 of my Kayla workouts and I am seeing changes, which is great. When I did this routine last  year, I got to the end of week 7 before going to Bonnaroo and then Hawaii, which is around the time I fell off. That means I have 3 weeks to get myself to where I was last time we hit week 7, or even better.

So, to help things along, I am working out 5 days a week. I do Kayla 3x a week and cardio at least twice a week when not doing Kayla. I would like to workout 6x a week, but 5 is my goal for now. I am also, this week, eating mainly only protein. It’s a quick way to drop some bloating and get myself away from carbs. I did however eat too much last night… my steak for dinner was way too big and I’m like still full. I’m definitely not going to lose weight if I gorge myself on red meat.. but it was delicious.

Lastly, I am not drinking alcohol until Brendan’s birthday. That would be a 12 day hiatus, which will be the longest I’ve gone in awhile. I want to see how I physically change w/o booze. My face will thin further and I won’t be bloated. I think I’ll get to bed early and wake up earlier (I’m still waiting on that), and I’ll save money. But all of that is secondary to how it’ll help my progress.

Truly I wanted to be alcohol free for all of April, but I drank on Easter and last Friday because Mark came home and we went out. My friend was like, “Ché! What about BK’s birthday???” And she’s right – I want to go out that night. So we’ll stick to 12 days, break for Brendan, and then jump back on.

My plan is to also weigh myself on Brendan’s birthday and see where I’m at…. I have a goal in  mind and I also am horrified of weighing myself, so all of that fear and terror combined will hopefully keep me on track.

Also, I am not smoking. I really think I’m going to die of lung cancer. I smoked for soo long. I literally can not smoke anymore because I feel like I am choosing to die and I really don’t want to die! I am going to get a physical sometime this year and hopefully they will tell me if I’m dying or not.


So Britt and I are extending our lease through the end of June. We didn’t know we could do that, and as Mark put it, it’s a blessing.

1) Brittany and Eric want to move into a one-bedroom in our complex, but nothing is available until July 1st. With a May 31st move-out date, the two weren’t sure what to do. Britt desperately didn’t want to rent a storage unit, transport everything out of the apt, move into my Mom’s house and then move everything back a month later. What a hassle that would be.

2) Mark is working, and will be working until late May. His plan was to leave Hawaii the week we were moving, but that meant he would be running around like a crazy person trying to pack, help me pack and move everything in. We still need to get a couch and other furniture, and we haven’t even had an opportunity to walk through anywhere. Plus I’ve been searching for a while and haven’t found anything I love.

By moving our date back a month, Mark will be home and able to look at apartments with me, pick out furniture and pack everything up without also needing to run back and forth to work for weeks at a time. It’s just been too much to juggle. Britt can stay in the apartment for another month and then move everything two buildings over, which is a lot easier. It’s the perfect solution.

So I’ve stopped looking at apartments for now, which I’m grateful for! I’ll start again in May. Also, this means by the time we have our lease signed in June, I’ll know if I’m getting a raise and a bonus, so I’ll be able to better budget and plan for everything we need to buy.


We have a Bwood family reunion Memorial Day weekend in Maryland. Mark’s coming!! Hopefully, anyway. I’m excited. He really loves me and I love him. I am seriously on cloud 9 with him lately. I just don’t know how we got so lucky. Truly blessed by this person.

Also, his resume is made and the job search is on. I am so glad to hear he is happy to leave and ready to move on. This has been a long time coming. I had a mini melt down on Easter, and I told him everything I was feeling. He responded so amazingly well. Now, we are creating a plan and moving forward and I think there is a lot of good coming our way.


I have plans this weekend but I have already decided to cancel all of them.

Happy Wednesday

Lost

“I miscarried this morning. I don’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to let you know there will be no baby in December.”

That is the text I woke up to this morning. She sent it to me at 5:45 AM after walking to the bathroom and profusely bleeding all over the tiled floor.

My friend was only a month pregnant, but they had already picked out names. After years of not being able to decide on a boys name, they had agreed to one just last week. We laughed over the name on the phone; it was the exact name Mark and I had picked out for our imaginary boy. I hoped she would have a girl.

My friend was nervous about having a miscarriage. She is high-risk for them, though she has never actually had one before, and a person in her family  had a miscarriage only a month ago. I told her, over and over, not to worry. You are a different woman than your family member, there is no use in being scared of something that probably won’t happen. Just enjoy this!

“There will be no baby in December.”

The doctor confirmed it this morning at 8:30 AM.

I walked to the bathroom at work, sat in a stall, and cried for my friend. I cried this morning. I could cry for her right now.

I can’t imagine the grief she feels from losing what was a promise of motherhood, of a long 36 weeks, little kicks and day dreaming about a new, little personality. And I cry because I know how scared she is going to be next time she gets pregnant. And I cry because these things stay with women forever and change them. The enormous pain that is growing inside her, the pain that replaced that Christmas baby we were so looking forward to.

She hadn’t shared the news of her pregnancy with anyone yet, because of her fears of miscarrying. But she told me, and now I carry the burden of being one of the few who even knew that little life existed. Mourning the loss of something we didn’t even have yet. My poor, poor friend.

I sent her flowers. I didn’t know if I should – would she hate these flowers? Would they just be a floral-scented reminder of her never-to-be-born baby? A reminder of everything that she lost this morning, wrapped in a bow? I don’t know, but I think it’s nice to acknowledge that she did lose something, even if no one else knows it. Especially since no one else knows it.

I just wrote “I love you, and am here for you always.”  She can throw them out if she wants; I doubt they’ll stay on her kitchen table to be gawked at.

“I’m here for you always”, the card pointing at her as she cooks dinner for two. As she has a glass of wine. As she looks at her empty tummy.

I don’t think she’ll want those flowers.