Daily Meditation

Last night, after work, I had to head into town to exchange some movie tickets, so I also grabbed dinner with my mom. We went to Ruby’s and shared the chips and queso dip. I had two margaritas. I almost exploded I was so full.

I was home by 8:30 and felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I was achy, exhausted and my head felt like it was in a different world than the rest of me. I was in bed by 8:45.

This morning, after 10 hours of sleep, I woke up feeling less like I was hit by a truck, and more like I was hit by a sedan. I took ibuprofen, an immune booster pill, and drank Emergen-C after my shower. I drank an Airborne packet on my way to work.

My stomach has been upset all week, and I couldn’t understand why. I haven’t been eating a lot of dairy and I haven’t been drinking, so it made no sense why my stomach was so angry with me. Now I know why. I’m dying.

Luckily the weekend is around the corner, so I can continue my current trend of lazing – maybe it’ll heal me.

  • Friday
    • Maybe Yoga at 7 if I feel like it
    • Work
    • Mani/Pedi with Brittany (I do this every pay day, and it’s pay day!)
    • Nothing. Sleep and movies. Health, healing, and sleep.
  • Saturday
    • Maybe Yoga at 9 if I feel like it
    • Microdermabrasion facial
      • This is very exciting- I bought it on Groupon. I have little scars and big pores and other imperfections that we all have and I want to see if this reduces any of that. I hope so! This is Hollywood’s “newest face lift”, and I am a socialite.
    • Bed Bath & Beyond to get a Veggetti and to buy decorations for my cubicle.
      • I want to decorate my cube so that it’s a sanctuary- if your work space is soothing and familiar, you don’t mind being at it. Let’s keep life soothing.
    • Movies and dinner with Maureen (we had to cancel last week because my car isn’t made to drive on pre-plowed roads).
  • Sunday
    • Probably not yoga
    • Grocery shopping
    • Meal preps
      • This week I’m prepping for both me and Brittany.
      • I think I am going to make a chicken and veggie alfredo “casserole” with zucchini noodles for lunches, and a crock pot beef brisket with carrots and onions for dinner.
    • Avoid the parade

For the last three years I have gone to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, and for the last three years something stupid or bad has happened. I am not a good drunk- I’ve accepted this and admitted this to my loved ones. I am 100% aware of how bad I can get so. this year, I am thinking of avoiding it all together. I’m okay with grabbing drinks with friends and having some wine occasionally with Britt, but an entire day dedicated to drinking is like the worst possible thing for me.

I have two options: Avoid it at all costs and make other plans, like get lunch at my dad’s, or if everyone is going I can go but with limits. Maybe, two beers per bar, and stop by the 3rd bar. I mean 6 beers all day- that would work. I also think I am going to get full really easily, so that’ll help limit me as well. Also I’d love to see a lot of my friends who go every year, and I’d love to see them sober while they’re wasted. That’s always eye-opening.

It is the last St. Patrick’s Day Parade that I can attend while living here (most likely, unless I stay…) so not going would suck a little bit. It also really depends on whether I feel more sick or less sick by then. And how cold it is outside.

My dress pants are getting loose.

I am so tired.

Let this day pass swiftly. Let my stomach grow steel. Let my pants continue to sag. And let my car fly home quickly. This is our daily meditation. Om.


I’m Confused

because my public blog had 77 unique visitors this week. And it is averaging a good number of visitors every week. I have written in that blog twice in the last year. I used to update it, like an entire 10 times in a row, but then I stopped. Where are these people coming from? I obviously should start writing in it again, because 77 visitors is a huge deal.

I’m getting sick. I can feel it. My throat feels kind of sore, my head and body are starting to feel blech, and my nose is running. Last night I woke up at 3AM and took ibuprofen because even in my dumb half-sleep state I knew I didn’t feel right.

I dreamt last night that the devil was haunting my house, and he was making things into the shape of people, and he was scaring me, and I couldn’t call for help because my phone wasn’t working… eventually I found my way outside and called my mom, but a wolf was out there. A wolf…cat, really. And it started to attack me, so I ran back inside my apartment and shut the door, and instantly my cell didn’t work again. I had my back to the door and the wolfcat was trying to bite me through my door, which was now made of thin, moving plastic. I started hitting the wolfcat’s biting face with my cell phone, but it was only a matter of time before he got me. I couldn’t leave the door or he’d get in, and I didn’t have anything to protect me.

That’s when I woke up and realized I didn’t feel well. But also – great, devil dreams? That means God’s trying to tell me something, or whatever, right?  I was scared though, before I instantly fell back to sleep.

I’m Excited

over a report I just wrote filled with a business case for and suggestions on changing our email subject lines. I know- it’s exciting. I also made a few Excel charts that break our User Help Requests into different themes, to help us better visualize where our users are having the most trouble. I hope they both get positive responses. Sometimes putting myself out there really leaves me feeling so vulnerable, and all I want to do is impress these new people like I did at my old job. The key to success, I’ve found, is to make yourself absolutely invaluable.

I like this stuff. I like data, taking numbers and making sense out of them. I don’t like math. No. But I like making decisions and educated assumptions based on aggregate data.

I am thinking about a future in Marketing. Not writing copy all day, but deciphering marketing campaigns, reading and understanding user response to our campaigns, and determining where to go – the strategy behind marketing.

I could always get my MBA in a marketing concentration. Oh IDK. I am thinking about talking to my boss about getting my MBA after a year here. That’s been my plan all along- find myself in a position or with a company I want to stay at for several years, and then go back to school. But to actually do it- ugh what a commitment.

For some reason though, I really want my MBA. I feel like it’ll bring more value to me, and I would be proud to have more than “just” an English degree. I’m not 100% okay with having “just” an English degree. Future talk.

I had to requit cigarettes this week. GOD I hate this habit. It is so hard for me to stay quit. I’ll be good for several weeks and then bum one for no reason and I’m hooked again. I’m having a craving right now. This is another good reason to abstain from booze- that stuff kills me when I’m trying to quit. At least I didn’t let my somewhat agitated state seduce me into eating more Cheetos. A girl’s gotta set limits for herself.

Personally, things are fine. I am over this weather, and Mark has been working in it, at night, all month. It makes me sad to hear him sad. I look forward to when this chapter is finished for him, whenever that may be.

We have a camping trip set up for May with Dad, Dina and the Triples. I’m looking so forward to it.

August is still Vegas. June is moving. Anything else is yet to be determined. But I want to be sure 50% of the summer is spent on the beach, so I may not be able to actually leave this little shoreline just yet.

That’s the extent of it for now.

Back to life, back to reality

I drank too much this week. I still lost weight, but I didn’t intend to drink so often. Such is life,”Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.”

This week, I intend to stay dry. I intend to continue eating what I have planned to eat. Saturday is dinner and a move with Maureen, so I’ll be nice and fat then. But not until!

This week’s meals are:
Breakfast: turkey sausage, as usual

Lunch: Sun-dried tomatoes and feta stuffed pork loin, with green beans

Snacks: Turkey, Miso soup, and right now a few Cheetos

Dinner: Grass-fed, lean ground beef stuffed bell peppers.*, with broccoli

*Stuffed with garlic, onion, bell pepper, tomato sauce and ground beef

All together, my prepared food equals to just about 1,000 calories, which gives me a little extra wiggle-room when I’m craving somethingggggggg– like these Cheetos. If I don’t drink, this could be an excellent week.

I am exhausted. We stayed up to watch The Oscars last night but they ran way too late. I should have gone to bed, but I was having too much fun texting with KB and I really wanted to see the Best Actor award. I wanted the kid from Theory of Everything to win so badly, and he did! So my exhaustion is worth it.

This weekend was cool – I didn’t have any laundry to do and I tidied the apartment, and watched movies. This is an ongoing theme lately. I am loving being home alone and guiltlessly catching up on all the movies I’ve been meaning to see. Not needing to wake up early, and knowing I have no obligations, is really a favorite feeling of mine.

I went out with KB and BK on Friday. I had plans for lunch with Rick on Saturday, but he cancelled. Then I had plans with Maureen Saturday night, but after driving for an hour, I cancelled. The snow made driving my car impossible. So it’s not as if I am planning to stay home and watch movies- though that would be okay- but it’s more due to the horribly frozen tundra staring at me from my bedroom window.

Yesterday I slipped on ice and fell in the parking lot. It’s not worth the risk! Back to bed!

I wish I was back in bed now.

Valentine’s Day 2015

This year, V-day was on a Saturday.

Mark was in my bed Thursday night when I came home, which was a nice surprise.

On Friday, we decided to go to a NYC Karaoke bar for a friend’s 31st birthday. It was one of those places where you are in a room with only your group, and a TV, and surround sound, and three mics. There are couches and disco lights and no one else can see you- and you go singing madly into the night with green lights dancing on your shirt and overpriced booze dripping off your chin.

We decided to miss our train and slept at a friends’ apartment in Hoboken.

On Saturday, Valentine’s Day, we were up by 10. We were on the train from Seacaucus by 11:15. We  were in Matawan by noon. We went to Jersey Mike’s and were home by 1:00.

There was a bouquet of tulips waiting for me.

We were in bed by 2:00.

We slept all day. There is NOTHING more miraculous than the feeling of finally being in your bed, after a day of running around, while hung over. It’s like- We have been adventuring all morning and afternoon to get to this exact point.. and now we’re here, and we’re never leaving.

We were up by 5 or 6, because we were starving. We ordered 10th Ave. We were so excited about 10th Ave. We ate it until we could burst. Then, we were back in bed. We slept until the morning.

This was our 4th Valentines Day, and it was perfect. We were supposed to go to New Brunswick to watch a friend play music but, there was nothing peeling me off that couch.

I am including this picture of last year’s Valentine’s dinner. I made a roasted chicken- I cooked it all day- it was delicious. This was a really good dinner, better than enchiladas and Adobe wings (but barely), and I want to remember it.

roasted chicken dinner homemade

I got a flat tire on Monday on the way to work, and had to pay $330.00 for repairs. This pushes me back a little budget/saving wise, but it’s okay. It was nice at least not needing to charge the repairs.

I worked from home Monday and Tuesday, and have been working from home so much lately due to the weather, that my diet is not as pristine as it should be. This week, I made a super protein and veggie packed “Chicken Enchilada” soup for lunches, and have been eating turkey burgers (sans bun, with mushroom, hot sauce and low-fat ranch dabs) for dinner. It’s been fine- the soup is only okay in my mind (it’s not the same without all those creams and cheeses)… but I also ate like potato chips and shit. But it’s Wednesday, so 3 more days of clean eating and I should feel lighter than ever. My pants already fit better.

Now I need to prepare to talk about our user’s social media usage and create a newsletter. This job is getting better, and I’m getting really interested in the marketing aspects. So I should go do some work.

New Sort of Way

Yesterday yoga was really hard. The guy didn’t have good music on, and the lights were on brighter than I would have liked. His voice, at times, was also a bit nasal which made me laugh. He would say, I don’t know, “And holdddd” and it would sound so obnoxious that I wanted to both roll my eyes and guffaw.

He was also very intense. He made us do so many chaturangas that it, again, made me laugh. I laughed instead of weeping. And I laughed when I looked over from my downward dog and saw Britt breathing heavily- kind of puffing- into the towel on her mat in child’s pose, with sweat absolutely pouring off her forehead. It makes me laugh now, the visual.

There were times during that practice that I wanted to never go back to yoga, “Yeah- I’m not buying a hot yoga package after this. I’m good.” Then I would laugh and drop my knees, or whatever I needed at the time, and just keep going, thinking, “This guy is so much harder than I expected- holy crap.” It’s an emotional journey sometimes. At one point, when I was doing a hip stretch, I felt a lot of endorphins release and I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or not. But when we left, I was happy I did it, of course. And it’s good to mix it up with instructors, so you know what you like and what you don’t, and so your practice gets a jolt of life into it.

Britt and I practiced headstands on Monday and we both were able to get up without the wall, so that’s cool. I have no serious ambition about becoming the next Jersey-shore yogi, but I’ll keep doing it until my Groupon expires.

After yoga and a late dinner last night, I could not fall asleep. I went to bed by 10:30 and kind of laid there. At 3:30 I woke up, and was still awake by 4. But once I did fall into a deep sleep, I dreamt of this young guy that looked kind of like Butch from Home Alone, and he was with a group of my friends, and he liked me. So we decided to hang out, and I laid on his stomach and took a nap, and he was very sweet, and we had to go to a dance later. When I woke up from my nap on Butch, it was 7 in the morning and I was in good spirits because it was lovely feeling wanted in that new-sort-of-way.

I need to start getting to work earlier. That’s a god damn promise. I need to. I also need to prepare my clothes the night before so that I look better. All these girls here are effortlessly thin and they all look put together. I know I look fine- My hair and makeup are done everyday- but I should plan my clothes a bit more. I have this bright red Calvin Klein blazer that is reminiscent of Thriller that I really want to wear, so maybe I’ll try to put an outfit together around that tonight. I’m summoning C.C. from The Nanny with that jacket.

Well, it’s officially the end of Wednesday. Tomorrow is the last day in the office. Friday Mark should be home. Saturday I hope we go see Rick’s band but we’ll see. We’re going to do Mark’s resume this weekend- we must. Must must must.

Good night- time to fly home.

Monday morning

I am having less of a mental breakdown today.

Sometimes, I just get restless and I worry that I’m not living genuinely enough. But that is when I need to sit and relax, and think of one change I can make to feel better.

I have enough volunteering coming up to hold me over. I did find a great organization that does “Voluntourism” (which is a new word that I love), and I found a program that they host that really enticed me. Maybe I’ll enroll for next December, maybe not. It’s an option.

I need to get better at staying healthy. I need to dry out a little and continue to be someone I’m proud of being. My vices aren’t the worst but I am happier without them.

My current plan is to stick to my meal plan until Saturday. I made all of my dinners and lunches for the week, and have my snacks all prepared- so its only a matter of wanting to do it. I would love to be a little thinner come V-day.

But all is well, I had a great weekend. Friday I hung out with Frank and Marissa, and then the rest of the weekend I stayed in and watched mafia movies. I can’t get enough of it; Sopranos is over and now I did Casino and Goodfellas, I started the Netflix series Lilyhammer because Silvio’s in it. Godfather 1 and 2 are next. I’m working from home today so maybe after I’m done at 5, before Britt comes home, I can sneak in another movie.

I cleaned the house yesterday, and did all my laundry.. and I woke up this morning so happy and cozy. It was a great weekend to be all by myself doing whatever I pleased- which turned out to be doing nothing.

I feel refreshed.