Mentors, Ladders and Babies

I have a mentor.  He’s senior mangement. Higher than my bosses’ boss. He wants me to meet with him every few weeks to talk about my career, my progress and what direction I want to take. I am intimidated and thankful at the same time.

I was invited to dinner with senior management tonight. Senior management, a few lawyers and a few sales executives. I’m the assistant editor. That’s a real compliment.

When you work for a good company, progression is enjoyable. It’s not stressful or awful. You shouldn’t try to move up in a company you hate. I don’t think those who talk against corporate ladders and being the lowman actually know what it is to work hard and gain recognition for it. A healthy work ethic, and the opportunity to be rewarded for your efforts, is part of what makes life good. Part of it, not nearly all of it. Not even close to half.

I’ve been feeling strangely sick for the last five days. Nauseaus. Achey. Sweating at night.

I’m fine during the day though.

So I took a pregnancy test.

It was inconclusive, which is as comforting as it is horrifying.

Though I don’t actually think I’m pregnant. You just can’t ignore the possibility, as a woman, of a second body growing in the space occupied by your own.

And I’m not saying this nonchalantly. I was sweating and praying all yesterday at the grocery store. I  felt warm and light headed, like I was being lifted from myself.

I’m safe. Safer than I’ve ever been in the past.

But this feeling in my body is different, and it freaks me out a bit.

Unless I’m just sick.

The test didn’t work at all, no lines appeared, so I’ll take another in a few days.

I couldn’t take it today because it might be too early,  and because I didn’t want to ruin dinner.


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