I want passion, even if it’s harder and hurts more.
I lost five pounds in the first 9 days of Weight Watchers. My goal for the following 9 days was to lose an additional 5 pounds. Then I would start incorporating excercise into my weightloss.
But this weekend happened, and I think I probably gained back those five pounds. I need to figure out how to keep this up Friday through Sunday. I’m great during the rest of the week.
Either way, it’s almost summer, I’m pale and kind of chubby….
I’m also exhausted today.
But I’m so happy. This weather is gorgeous.
I have no idea what I came here to say.
I got an iPhone yesterday. I am in love with it right now.
I quit Chili’s today. I need to sink or swim here. I need to make money off of my writing. I need to literally make things that make money. CREATE DOLLARS. if I stay at chilis, I am good enough on money to be poor without starving.
Im scared, because I don’t make a lot. But I need to struggle. Without struggle, where’s the incentive? If i HAVE to make more money I will, but it won’t be through slinging terrible food at people.
I have support and love around me.
But I am too comfortable.
I need to be uncomfortable.
Also, this quarter-life-crisis, so far, has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
The last thing I ever want to be is a mommy-blogger.
I’m going through a quarter-life crisis, in case you couldn’t tell by my incessant blogging.
And over-the-top use of endashes.
I could always just quit and go on another roadtrip.
I still wonder what I’m DOING.
And when this will feel like home.
I think – just maybe – that I am fucking crazy.
And that I need to just let myself be crazy.
And fuck the rest.
Because crazy is free.
That’s just my truth. Hey!
I should start by saying that I didn’t lose my job. I just feel like I did.
I have been anticipating, looking forward to and excited over my upcoming raise. I had a figure that I wanted, and then a figure that I would accept… but I didn’t expect what I got. Percentage-wise, it’s not a terrible raise. But that percentage of what I make is shitty. So shitty I cried. Bawled in my car actually.
I like my job and my bosses really like me at my job, and I really like my bosses. Soon I’m only going to be required in office four days a week. That’s awesome.
But I have to pay for my benefits starting September, and with this income, I can’t afford them. I also, on this salary, am going to be in trouble if the gas prices don’t calm the hell down.
All that to say, I’m in a predicament now. I CAN’T AFFORD to live like I want to, which is still pretty modestly, just not “I can’t even rationalize using my Verizon upgrade” modestly.
I have full faith though that I’m not completely screwed. I haven’t cried since that initial, day-long shock. Here’s my mental take on it: I did not put myself into this position, except maybe back in August when I didn’t request a higher starting salary. My bad and I’ve learned. But I am in this position because life handed it to me, so there’s nothing I can do except react. For some reason that makes me feel relief.
Righ before the raise happened (or didn’t happen, really), I had realized that I had forgotten that I am in control of my life. I was living so horribly, only performing my obligations, not doing anything I wanted to do. I viewed the things I wanted to do as annoyances. As burdens. Like they were just one more thing to do on my tiring list of things I have to do. I forgot how to differentiate between obligations and interests.
I forgot these results and every aspect of life, for the most part, are the results of your choices. I had stopped making choices, and in return was actually just making bad ones.
So I’ve stopped drinking during the week, which left me tired and bloated anyway, staying up late and losing any motivation to do much after work.
I’ve joined Weight Watchers to get my consumption issues under control. I consume too much, whether it’s food or cocktails or cigarettes.
I re-signed my lease with John. I want to live by the shore and I am going to continue to.
And now, I am going to be looking for a place closer to home that will make me happier. This was forced upon me in some ways as my expenses are increasing but also, I don’t want to have to work at Chili’s forever. That’s the end of it. That’s not a choice I want to continue making.
I’m not making any dramatic life changes. I haven’t and I don’t see it like that. Those phases don’t work. But I am trying to remember I am in control of this life, or at least a lot of it, and that if I’m not happy I need to figure what needs to change.
It kind of feels like I’m waking up. I haven’t felt any excitement like this in a while. It’s not strong excitement, just a little rumbling beside the things I’m scared of and the apple I had with breakfast.
And I think it’s interesting that right when I started to remember that my life is my own, I was left a letter on my desk with a little number next to a percent sign that read, “it’s time for a change.”