My blog readership is up 50% for the month and I’ve hardly written anything. Strangers followed me on Twitter from reading my articles online somewhere. I was supposed to be training for a radio interview this week. Here’s the story:
An article I had written was reposted to a few sites, most noteworthy being Yahoo’s Shine. The amount of people reading my articles is more than the amount of people I have ever met, combined with the amount of people I have ever thought of or heard of. I can’t bring myself to say the number, for reasons below. It was exciting. Especially the Yahoo thing. That really hit me.
A Seattle radio morning show contacted the woman I freelance for, asking to interview me about the article. She was to start PR training with me.
Talk of being paid to edit for the site came up. Talk of being pushed forward to write content for larger sites, sites that have their articles published in USA Today and other large print publications came up.
Everything happened within a few days. A week. One week and it looked like everything was happening for me.
It was really scary. Everything happened so quickly, but I felt God tell me to just sit still, and to continue what I was doing. Do not make a move.
I didn’t want to boast, or brag, or feel like this was in anyway a credit to my writing. The idea of giving myself credit made me sick to my stomach. I became incredibly frightened of being anything but humble. I prayed to God, thanking him for this opportunity, all of these opportunities, and I glorified him for it. I told him that I know this is his doing, not mine. He is laying my path out for me, and any blessings that come from it are gifts. I have nothing to do with this. That is how I felt. How I still feel. I never expected this fear of boastfulness, or pride. I saw what that could look like on me and I hated it. I won’t be that.
I told God that if this were to all fall through, I would be grateful for the experience. The feeling of it alone. I believe that either way, it is His will. That is it. Just let your will be done, and help me to hear you to follow it.
The radio station hasn’t, to my knowledge, followed up. The paying for editing isn’t happening. Instead, the editing is used as payment for the expense this company is taking on in order to promote me- whatever that means (I really would be terrible at business).
The payment will come, eventually, maybe, as a result of advertising revenue. It will not be a large sum, but I knew that.
The opportunity of partnership with this larger, more connected website is still in the works. It’s me, this other girl, and the niece of a huge 70’s celebrity (I won’t say who out of fear of anyone ever Googling their way onto this blog). The three of us are being pushed forward, in hopes that the involved companies will make money while we get our names out there. I will have the opportunity to write original content. This is still a great opportunity.
But, that leaves me wondering- what do I want to write about?
First, why do I write? Because I enjoy it. I enjoy writing well, and I enjoy the praise. That is obvious. Writing is an ego booster. Let’s stay real about it. But even if no one ever read my writing, I’d still write. I enjoy it, it is a part of me.
But what do I want to write? If you have the opportunity to write about anything, and that something is going to be read by a lot of people, what do you say?
I thought this was my chance to leave bartending. Maybe it will be eventually, but as of right now, I’m still there every Saturday. And I still have to move, and I was feeling anxious. It took me some time to put my finger on my feelings, but that is what it was. Anxiety over trying to move out with someone who is still in school and has no money. Anxiety over not having much money myself and expecting to spend more on my living expenses in only four months. Fear because if I move too far, for the first time ever, Mark told me that it could affect our relationship. I wasn’t worried about that at all, but his response, as honest as it was, didn’t align with mine. I am grateful for that. With worries and honesty out in the open, I can make a wiser decisions.
Today I prayed while in the car. I feel peace over the situation my future roommate is going to be in. Peace over that, do not worry about her. Leave her be. I feel peace over my finances, God has never let me down. Be wise and don’t be wasteful. It will be okay.
And with writing and bartending: today was not my big break. I so badly want to be in the next chapter of my life, a chapter that doesn’t include two paying jobs and freelancing. I wanted to be past this. But I’m not. Thank God, because that was his plan. Thank God I was not granted what I wanted. This is my path, and it is still a good one. Perhaps a tiring one, perhaps one with a million different steps, but it is the one I’m to be on. And I will always be thankful, as obedient as I can be, and humbled with the knowledge that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
I want to be the person that hands it to God to take, all of it. Whatever it is. Because none of it was mine to begin with.
But I am still excited, and happy. I still have my dreams. I think I am being led in the right direction. I guess I can say, I kind of know where I want to be, but I’m not ready to be there yet, and so I will just enjoy the journey, wherever it puts me.