I had twin girls..or boys.. they were black and adorable and toddlers. I had a Peurto Rican boyfriend and he was a great dad but a terrible person. SO really, he was a terrible dad. We were in the mall and we had to be somewhere but he made us stop in this upscale store because he saw a pair of white boat pants that he had to have. So we go into the store and he is so rude and condescending to the sales woman, while ordering me around to help him find the pants he saw in the display window. The entire time my mind is centered on the fact that we are running late to being somewhere. I was counting down the minutes as in, “We have 3 minutes…!” I was panicked and he was running around being so rude and the sales woman kept coming up to me to complain about what a dick he was. Meanwhile, I have two little kids to tote around. I then flash forward to talking to a friend of mine who is in the mall now too. I have my children with me and I am telling her about how I am leaving my husband. I woke to myself saying outloud, “We will get through this like an adult.”
I said that as I woke up while also simultaneously sitting up in bed. So, we will get through this like an adult.
I mean, I guess that was the whole point of that dream.
Man it’s been a rough day.
It’s been a rough couple of months really. I have trouble going to sleep on my own at night.
But, that will go away on its own I hope. As of now, I am applying to jobs in Denver and I don’t know if I want to go there any more. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want to go alone or if I want Britt with me. I don’t want to be reliant on a relationship but I don’t want to be single. I am in a yucky place of confusion. I dont want to say I am doing things anymore, I want to just fucking do them.
I need to let these thoughts out on here because otherwise they clog my senses up, but no one needs to hear them. These words are my weakest moments.
I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
I dont think I will ever write a book
I dont think I will get a job with anywhere reputable
I dont think I will be anything but average
I dont think I will ever leave Chilis or NJ
I dont think I will feel happy
maybe if I write out everything that I am feeling I will see how ridiculous they are and my motivation will kick back in.
Im at a really weird place and I cry a lot these days.
I dont have the support I want.
Okay, now forward.
“Thats when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn’t a pretty little girl at all. No, she’s a man eater. And I’m not talking about the “whoa here she comes” kind of man eater, I’m talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. But of course, I may have tormented her from time to time, but honest to God that’s what I thought marriage was all about, so much so that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don’t know who I hated more…her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren’t trying to destroy each other like we were. And there it turns out the answer’s pretty simple. They weren’t unhappy, we were.”