ATT: Really.

Do you not know by now how this goes? After all this time and all these manics, it would be proper to assume that such deliriums could be handled quietly and from behind the darkened screen of your bedroom window. Instead, of course, you have found yourself here once again, which is quite the opposite of what you initially intended. Patterns are patterns and if this has caused your past breaks to fuse back together then, you have the permission to continue. However, it should be known that it is quite disappointing that you are resorting to what can only be described as an old and useless resource that lost it’s funding and significance decades ago. To be completely honest, and at this point I can see no other way to be, this is meaningless. The reasons for starting this have passed, yet you still resort to it like a pathetic woman holding on to the handkerchief of a rock star she met thirty years prior. Or perhaps I can describe this to you in a better way- you are quite dull and repetitive, and no one, not even I, can stand to read this. In fact, as your “craze” has repeated itself, you no longer write well in it. You merely splat words onto a screen. There is nothing beautiful left in this. I will not go so far as to say there is no beauty in you, because at once you had so much of it, but there has to be a new way to find it.

I am sure that you are reading this and perhaps offended or upset you will look away, but please for your own good, listen to me. This is a metamorphosis. This is the transition that has been on it’s way for quite some time. As it is, nothing that used to bring you comfort works any longer. Therefore, though you can continue to try to find refuge in old ways, you must come to the simple conclusion that you are simply going to be miserable for a bit. This is not meant to depress you, but it’s honest. You will be miserable until you can no longer take it and that misery will force you to find a new refuge, a new catharsis, a new cleansing. You did realize on the roadtrip that you were in need of something larger now. Or something simpler. Something new though. And this “new” can actually just be found in something forgotten. Hand writing outside, for instance, used to be so poignant. They were retired for internet scribblings and though those did have their place, they are now worn and tired. I must tell you that it will be quite some time until you can write anything of any worth again, at least on here. Or on anything like this.

You have most unfortunately manifested an immunity to moving forward, and I have at this juncture decided to intervene. Surely, you remember when you were sane. It was then that life made sense, of course, but it was not because life was any more simpler than it is now. In fact, your life could not be more simple. You are about to be in summer, you have no romantic interests, there is nothing to worry about. A few papers and tests, one more semester, and you’re finally free. But, free to do what? That is what you are scared of. I tell you this though, how angry would you be if you used that freedom to perpetuate the life you have already been living? If only once in your life, do something alone. Now, that is not an insult, because you truly have tried to forge your own path and I am proud of you. But you have become dependent in the most recent of years and this is a trait that must be destroyed. Destruction may seem like the wrong action, but truly, it must be radical. Something radically destructive must happen to your dependence before you find yourself settled into a life that is just fine, but one that is not great and was not meant for you.

Fear is something that has power. Loneliness has power. These are the evils. Fear and loneliness have no place in your decision making. There is nothing to fear about being alone, and you usually understand this. But in these stressful weeks you lose sight, and I am here to remind you. This change you are experiencing, this complete removal of roots, is uncomfortable. You are not pleased in the past nor are you pleased in the present, and you jump between the two, looking for a place to rest. This place does not exist. Fortunately! If it existed, you would lay there forever, in the soggy soil beneath the Earth. Between roots and worms, you would stay underground until you died and became the very dirt you had worshiped. This is fine for some, but not for you. It could be, but you feel it in your heart. When you consider staying, when you consider really staying (physically, mentally, emotionally) your heart tells you- no. You are your own guide. Everything you need to know is in your chest. It is constantly pointing you in the right direction. You are never caught off guard. You are never surprised. You lament, perhaps, but you are not shocked. This is because your heart is already telling you what you should do, and you don’t listen, but it prepares you for the consequences. Perhaps I won’t call it heart to keep from romanticizing this, but you have intuition. God has instilled in you this divine sense of knowing. You know everything you need to know, everything you question, everything you toil over and suffer over- the answers are in you, they have been since birth. The issue, human, is that you do not always like the inherit answers and so you ignore them. You lie to yourself, confuse yourself, torment yourself- all in an attempt to stop the inevitable. This is exhausting, and I am telling you, I am done.

So what do you have to ask? Really, what is it that is so overwhelming? Nothing. The answer is nothing. You know the answers.

Now please, finish this semester so you can go to sleep.

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I really love my dad

and I suppose I could have been reminded of the vulnerable and frail state we humans are constantly in by his swollen face, purpled and bleeding. Instead, I saw him smiling amidst the horribly painful looking, soft ball sized wound and I was reminded of how much God loves him. I don’t worry about my dad. He is someone who is truly special to God. I mean, he is like.. someone who could be in the Bible in my mind, and of course I am biased. But he is so faithful, certain and true. And God blesses him for it. And as I saw him sitting there smiling, I was reminded that he knows God is in control, and that he isn’t worried either.

And that kind of makes me want to cry, but not because I’m sad.

We are so fortunate.

My life has in the last six months or so been teaching me patience. Sit back, allow life to play out, and wait. Perhaps you will have a moment or perhaps that moment won’t come. But while you’re waiting to see where life directs you and the people in your line of sight, learn, watch, and listen.

I can now talk about relationships with people I once wanted a relationship with.

I can answer questions honestly and not worry about what I say because I have some other agenda.

Things will happen in their own time, if at all. It’s about learning from life, not trying to force life.

And in the end, your patience will pay off, either in receiving what it is you desire today, or in revealing to you new desires that are better than your previous ones.

And with that, I think I no longer want to publish my thoughts on the internet anymore. I’m really hating the language of this “BLOG”. I may be going back to written journals if anything. Then at least my words would be more conscious because it takes more effort to write things out than it does to type them. Plus, I’ve been frustrated with this journal for a really really long time now.

So, good luck, learn, love, and I doubt this is really my last entry.

I went to go to sleep but then I wondered if I saved that paper I just wrote, and I had to check.

I have nothing to say.

Nervous, overwhelmed, disappointed, lonely, hopeful, quiet, still.

I hate everything about this journal.

Embracing ME

Right now, today, I decided I want to speak Spanish fluently and then join the Peace Corps and go to Mexico or South America and do work. I will do that for 2 years. Afterward, I will consider doing Teach for America for another 1-2 years. Then I will be ready to move back to America and get a job.

I need a new computer first so I can download Rosetta Stone illegally….. to help the illegals! Joke, obvs.. because they aren’t illegal in their own country.

It just makes sense.

Tag this under, somedaydreams

Edit-
I was looking under the someday category I have to see what I have been looking forward to, and I came across this. Just after I wrote… this post. It’s a little bit of a backing to my claim of wanting to help, and it’s a little better explained, a little. back when i still knew how to journal.