I am on such an Eminem kick lately that I’m starting to worry about myself. I’m afraid I’m going to start feeling like an underestimated white girl who deserves street cred but doesn’t want the woes that come with fame. In time, I’ll stumble upon a flowery love quote by Shakespeare and spend the next 3 months fawning over the delusions of the fruitfulness of a desperate longing, followed by a two month downward spiral as a result of the realization that desperation is depressing(!). Eventually I’ll become angry and that will then result in yet another Eminem soaked couple of weeks. Rinse and repeat status. So let’s just skip the entire thing and say that Shakespeare and Eminem were/are both geniuses, they both inspire me, I do deserve a higher hood status, and lamentation is only beautiful in the movies or in retrospect… (and to those annoying people watching it from high above, perched on their happy pedestals, laughing at the poor, sad fools below).


I need to either make him mine or get over it.

the latter, by the way, is the only real option.

I just am so attracted to him, but I think that mostly stems from the invisible barrier between us.

But eventually he will do something that will make me jealous so I either need to go to the gym and become stiff competition, or like I said before, get over it.

And I’d rather go to the gym to get fit and not to try and win something that I don’t really want.

But damn boy. Damn.

Im working on an angry rap career in between my classic literature classes

She’s obviously masculine, because honesty isn’t feminine. Her little xbox and all her toys, isn’t too evil, just one of the boys. Got a full rack to counteract, all the little bitches dick joke attacks. Will share make up tips with some heinous chicks, but doesn’t use them to go and get more dick. Maybe that’s obscene, she comes off rude, that’s why she’s not a down ass chick- must be a dude.

Yesterday absolutely sucked. I have never seen him like that. He lost it. But on some level, rightfully so. I just wish it hadn’t been in front of so many people. I wish he didn’t feel that way, but he made it so it was impossible to tell him.

But today, after the meeting Den and Nic and I talked about it, and then we went and had a feast at the Toms River Chili’s. Afterwards, I went home to take a nap and he called me. he asked if he could come over. He walked into my room and was crying. We talked, sometimes not so much, a lot of the time I just listened. I was honest. I understand him. He asked if I was hungry which I wasn’t but we went out anyway because he couldn’t go home yet. He stayed from 6 til 11. We hung out, got a beer, played video games. By the time we were at dinner he was laughing. I’m really glad he came over. I couldn’t be okay with the way things were. But that’s the awesome thing about real friendship. It’s never over. Even when you’re furious and you spout off and say terrible things, a real friend knows it doesn’t mean anything and helps you close the bar and then drives you home anyway. A real friend is one that you’ve been dishonest with for months and forgives you, even though you caused them a lot of pain.

Real friendship doesn’t have a breaking point.

I’m happy for that.

I’m going to bed feeling a lot less horrible tonight than I did last night, but my heart still hurts for him. I will keep praying for him.

Also, playing Dante’s Inferno makes me scared of going to hell.

Gerard’s last day was today. Yesterday he was told he was being transferred immediately. The new GM starts tomorrow. It’s a sad because he is the only GM I’ve had here and he was really one of the best bosses I’ve ever had. I will definitely visit him. I’m nervous now, because this new GM is a chick and she’s cool, but a hard ass. A real hard ass. I know I can be fine, it’s just that I now might as well be working in a new restaurant.

Time heals all… [21 Oct 2002|05:06pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | Do Not ]
I know i havent written in a long time… lets see…
me and ryan are still together however something is going on between us. Okay I have been feelin i dunno sad lately and i totally went 2 him yesterday in hysterics and like crying my eyes out telling him how upset i was and i really dont want us to fall apart but he.. i dunno how he feels. He said everything is a mess and that he still loves me and he doesnt want 2 break up but too many ppl are involved and stuff and he said when i have 5 hours to spare hell tell me wut he means. Oh man… problems! Okay so we’ve been 2gether for 8 months and so yes i guess it is about time we have a slight blemish on our otherwise perfect
relationship but it sucks. It sucks it sucks it sucks!
People change.. its true. They say the first 6 months are perfect and then peoples real colors come through. It’s true. But Ryan is still my everything and I dont love him any less… I love him more. I dont want us 2 break up i really hope we’re okay. Im not sayin Ryan has changed im just sayin we are getin 2 see the real eachother and its causing some friction but what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger right? I love him.. and the good times we have over power these rough times. I love him.. and isnt that all that matters?

Ha. What's actually cute is reading the entries before Ryan and I ever dated because I forgot about the courting part. I remember how young and dysfunctional that relationship was but I forgot about the 7 hour phone calls through the night beforehand and how Mark helped us get together and the time I was on one phone with Mark and on the other phone with Ryan and they were yelling at one another because Ryan was too nervous to ask me on a date. Just adorable little things I'm glad 15 year old me was able to experience.

But yeah, this does totally solidify the 8 month rule. Shit gets crazy.