sensitive hearts and joy

Last night I was catching up with someone and I can’t quite remember what I said, but I hit the nail on the head. I am writing right now.

And I’m in love.

With it all.

I am always in love.


I am not a lost cause.

Is this fear of being lost a manifestation from the Devil or is this God’s whisper?

They are sometimes hard to pick between. But only slightly. Inside, it’s always clear. If you still are connected.

I am still connected.

I dreamt I was in a hospital and I was the only night nurse and this phone kept ringing and so I went to answer it in this hospital room and there were a bunch of phones in there. I kept picking them up but it was never the right one.

Anyway I forgot that my new alarm sounds like on old telephone so that’s really all it was.

Last Night

was absolutely great. In every way. Sold a lot. Looked good. Had drinks. Saw friends. Smoked cigarettes. Made new friends. Laughed. Seriously just great.

Today’s meeting was awesome. Den’s 2 inch dick, “when I pee it trickles off my balls” joke still makes me smile.

Everything is AOK

Oh, alright.

I am feeling much better now that it isn’t 6:45 in the morning and I’ve had a few more hours of sleep. I was frustrated. I just hate not getting what I want but what I want usually isn’t best anyway. It’s like my life is a game of bumper bowling. Sometimes they’re there, and I bounce off of what would put me into the gutter. God is the bumper, or just life, or circumstance. Sometimes those bumpers aren’t there and I fall into a ditch that leaves me sad and defeated. Thank God for the bumpers, no matter how infuriating they can be. Not reaching the end goal (which would be knocking down pins in this amazing metaphor) is more frustrating.

This is so asinine

I slept for maybe 3 – 4 hours tonight. Four is probably stretching it. My mind is fucking stupid. This is not me choosing obscene language because I’m too lazy to find a more appropriate word, it is due to the fact that it is fucking stupid. I have to go to Jenks tonight for 10 hours. No one should ever be in that building for that long unless they’re getting paid. I am going to be exhausted. Then I have to sleep at their house because we have a meeting Sunday morning. And why is my mind up? Because I don’t know where I am going to sleep. Should I sleep on the couch in the basement? Or should I just sleep in his bed? Will that be awkward? Will it be okay? Here’s the thing, I don’t really care. I don’t care. It’s not a big deal and I don’t care. So why is it on my mind? That is the source of my frustration.

After finally falling asleep, which I had trouble doing to begin with, I tossed and turned and was uncomfortable and was having annoying dreams that literally were annoying me. So I woke up- more like sat up, repositioned my sheets, went to the bathroom, drank some of my water- and then proceeded to stay awake. It’s almost 7 am now. I wanted to be up by 10. What’s going to happen? I’ll probably maybe fall back to sleep by 8:30ish and then sleep forEVER.. not be able to get everything done, and be exhausted at Jenks.

I sound crabby. Sorry.

I just want a normal relationship.

I have no idea what I want or what I am. But I went to 507 last night for my first martyr somewhat infused show and I met Joe who will help me make sense of codes so I can hopefully make a custom blog? I can do codes, or at least I have the drive to learn how. And Kip came out. And it was fun. And then I had a dream I was wearing a green santa mask that was too small for me that had a mistletoe over the head and I kissed him. So dumb.