“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.”

-T.S Eliot


one for the script

Nic and I have talked about how our lives could be movies, how we just might actually be stuck in some twisted Truman Show-esque reality show and have of course debated the differences between a circus and our lives and the lives of those around us. Usually the similarities between the three far outweigh any of the differences. Today was no different. At least there’s people who find the same humor in it as I do. And at least I could call him to talk to him about it and be told that I’m A) evil but B) somewhat warranted in what I do.

Anyway, 2009, awesome full circling. I enjoyed you. Yes you sucked at times. But honestly, you were a year like none other and whether or not I learned anything you at least kept me very stimulated, entertained and on my toes. Cheers to you 09. Wrap up is coming tomorrow. I’m excited for it! A little apprehensive about 2010 (which apparently is going to be referred to as twenty ten but I still say two thousand and ten) but I can’t complain. I always always say that the one thing I really love about life is the uncertainty and the way you can never know what’s coming around the corner. And this year was filled with A LOT of corners. I spent the beginning of it shocked by each thing that popped out at me but as the year went on I became used to these “surprises” and was actually able to predict them. Even more so, I wasn’t shocked by them. It’s like I figured out the html behind life. Very little surprised me, yet everything surprised me. Maybe 2010 will have less corners and healthier excitement. Maybe 2010 then will be the year of health.

Every NYE I label what my next year will be. 2009 had been dubbed the year of adventure and it lived up to that. Every year actually that I have labeled has been just that. Whatever I had titled it. So if I label 2010 the year of health, that means my mind has already been set to that. People underestimate the power they actually have over their own lives. Anyway, before I accidentally end up doing my wrap up now, I’m going to bed.

Love and life and everything in between.


I have to do my 09 wrap up

i dont really want to do it.

but I am going to do it before 2010. Ah, gosh I have to! I’m not breaking that tradition. But it’s probably going to be shorter, more uncertain, and who knows.

I mean 09 was a good year in that I did accomplish some things. It’s just a pity that my heart has been in a drought for the better part of the year and thus, I am quite thirsty. I’ll do it. Later.

If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

-The Avett Brothers answered my previous post with this. Sometimes  music is my scripture

Big Kevin

Kevin was a morbidly obese man who worked as the dispatcher for Leon’s taxis. He would come in on my bar shifts and drink a lot of 23 oz Budweisers, eat a small basket of chips and get salsa and tostidos all over his face in a revolting way. There would be a trail of chippy grime on the bar after he left. He would have a Leon’s taxi take him to work once he was finished. He’d spend his time at the bar doting over his daughters and asking me every single time if I knew his youngest, who graduated from the same high school I went to, but a few years before hand. I would listen, as if for the first time, and tell him I didn’t know her. He’d tell me about her softball career and how she blew her knee out and how sad it was. He’d talk about how painful his divorce was. The last time I saw him he was clean shaven and he told me he was looking to lose weight and meet someone. I believed him. I hoped to see it happen. Sometimes he would get drunk and talk a lot to the other bar guests. His increase in conversation was the sign that he was feeling ‘tipsy’. One time he drank 23 of the 23oz beers and threw up on Josh’s phone. He hated Maureen. Bartenders hated having him on their shift because they were always nervous they’d have to cut him off, but were thankful that he never drove- so he was only cut off once. By Maureen. I just found out that he died two months ago of a heart attack. I don’t know how many people he had in his life that cared about him. I think his ex-wife hated him, but I could be mistaken. All I know is he has two daughters around my age and he really loved them. He wanted to change, but I know that’s hard to do. He was always nice to me. I wanted something to show he will be remembered.

my mom came back from a wedding tonight with stories of people finding their way back to God and meeting the men they were destined for. That led to we need to get back to church and back to God and find the men we are destined for. I walked upstairs. I just don’t want to hear that. I dont want anything like it was in the past. I feel like people in the church are dumb and not real. Isnt’ that bad? Like they don’t know “the real world”. I think I just need to go to church and get over myself.

I feel like Im at a place ive never ever been before. A place where youre almost not a believer anymore. I am still a believer, but I am the farthest now that I’ve ever been from where I was once. And it’s scary. and its hard to come back. i think this will all be for my testimony one day. when I’m working with young women who make the decisions im making. the girls that just need some answers. the girls that dont know where to start in organized religion but have lost their way trying it on their own. the girls who are torn between what they want to do and what they ought to do. the girls who know better, but still feel there should be room for error, and dont understand why religion is based on guilt. why religion should make you feel shitty all the time.

there’s a part I am missing. I know it.