Someone is somewhere
Doing something they love
Something I’d love to do
While I’m somewhere I tolerate
Doing something for learnin.
Something someone else wishes
They could do.
My sister is somewhere
Doing something for money
Something others are dying to do.
Love, tolerate money.
Love, wishes dying.
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere.
1) Study for 18th Cent Lit Midterm that is tomorrow
2) Write Melodrama paper
Tomorrow Night->Saturday Night
3) Sharkey’s Birthday
4) Closing the Lounge
5) Interview Nic
6) Finish Final Cut Project
7) Write paper for Final Cut Project
Hand in Final Cut Project, Final Cut paper, Melodrama Paper, and then fall asleep for 100 years.
to Rachel for getting accepted into the Peace Corps. She’ll be in Africa in 5 months. We’ve maintained a really good friendship seeing as she moved to Florida our Junior year and we’ve only visited one another three times since then. But 5 months she’ll be gone? No phone therapy? No 3 minute therapy sessions? We’ll have so much to catch up on and we probably won’t really talk at all while she’s gone.
I am so proud of her. I will really miss her. She’s going to do amazing things.
Thanksgiving is coming, so I should write what I’m thankful for.
I am thankful for Josh, because he loves me. I am thankful for Kari and Brittany as well. I am thankful for Maureen, and Jeff inviting me to Chinese buffet, and Nic’s SB jokes, and Haas and Sharkey and Alana. I am thankful that I have a job that I am happy at and that the people there understand my ridiculous sense of humor. I am thankful for Courtney and that I have somehow actually positively affected her life. I am thankful for the internet. I am thankful for the A I got this week. I am thankful for my parent’s faith in me. I am thankful for Dan always calling me beautiful. I am thankful for the Lord never allowing me to settle. I am thankful for the hope and faith for the future. I am thankful that the semesters almost over and that the weeks go by so quickly. I am thankful for my parents, and the triplets. I am even thankful for Oscar and I suppose Jagger as well. I am thankful that I have money and that I have a car. I am thankful that even if I didn’t have all my material things, my friends would still be there and my family would still be there. I am thankful I’ve been writing so much these past few months. Aaand I am thankful for mashed potatoes with gravy!!! mmmm. I am thankful to be spending Thanksgiving at my Dad’s. I am thankful for our weekly meetings there. I am thankful that as I have been exposed to new, sad, hopeless perspectives, my own perspective has not changed (and thus Gods impact is so evident to me). I am thankful for seeing Kevin Smith a few weeks ago and for all the opportunities I have and will have and have had.
today to meet up with Jeff and Josh and Nic at the buffet before class, and my heart was heavy with that same crushing feeling I’ve had for a few weeks now.. and I remarked to myself “Wow this has really lasted a long time.” And suddenly I realized.. God IS trying to get my attention. He wasn’t trying before.. I’m not in the midst of feeling guilty because I have such a strong moral conviction.. no, rather God HAS stepped in, IS trying to get my attention and ISNT letting up. I was like “whoa” because I have been so in my own head that even as God squeeeeeezes the life out of my heart I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this to myself. Self centered? Oh, totally.
And so now I’m left realizing I can’t just change for anything or anyone other than God. because he sees through that, and just squeezes harder.
it hurts, it does. But its for the best, once I stop being so disgustingly human.
too weak perhaps.
too lost. too scared. too young.
too good/good riddance.
I have been so up and down lately and confused and guilty- so I wrote this while driving back from school and I have to get it down so I don’t forget it. It’s finally honest writing
I’m a woman of sense and sensibility, but my Lord I find myself crying at artwork for more than I let my heart work less than my mind which leaves me time after time with nothing to say… other than why it went astray and how it was doomed from the start and “My God! Why I can’t I listen to my mind like I do my heart?!” But though that would make life easier it would also be less fun, and I kind of get off on things when they become undone, which I hesitate to admit. But it those emotional fits, like when they say they’ll never love you again, that force you to put paper to pen and write like you’ve never written before. And I’d rather life be adventurous than boring, and I unfortunately find sin quite alluring which causes emotional breakdowns like nothing else yet still I find myself continuously putting sense on the shelf and wondering how long I can get by like. As if I’ll really find a good guy like that? I mean, that’s why this affair has been going on for so long even though it’s so blatantly wrong. It’s just that it’s not you or me it’s this need to feel free, as if in some past life I was chained to a wall and now I need to break free and experience it all! And it’s not a matter of time until it catches up to me- its caught up to me- I mean I see how you look at me, and it’s not the same. the only thing I have in common with myself these days is my name. And so I’m forced to ask how much time has to pass until a “phase” outlives its stay and now it’s just more kind of your day to day?