today to meet up with Jeff and Josh and Nic at the buffet before class, and my heart was heavy with that same crushing feeling I’ve had for a few weeks now.. and I remarked to myself “Wow this has really lasted a long time.” And suddenly I realized.. God IS trying to get my attention. He wasn’t trying before.. I’m not in the midst of feeling guilty because I have such a strong moral conviction.. no, rather God HAS stepped in, IS trying to get my attention and ISNT letting up. I was like “whoa” because I have been so in my own head that even as God squeeeeeezes the life out of my heart I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this to myself. Self centered? Oh, totally.
And so now I’m left realizing I can’t just change for anything or anyone other than God. because he sees through that, and just squeezes harder.
it hurts, it does. But its for the best, once I stop being so disgustingly human.