I always romanticize things. But then the reality makes me romanticize the opposite. It’s unfortunate, young minded, and starved. I have decided my tattoo: it will be the quill, and in type writer font it will say “Let the poets struggle…” from:

Let the poets struggle to define your heart,
Your art of love,
And your love of art.

Also the best writing comes from the hardest times. Tortured hearts and souls, a brotherhood of Twain’s and Da Vinci’s.. you knows what I’m sayin?

Plus, it just makes sense to me in ways I cant explain.

Watching Cheaters makes life seem really terrible, yet also hilarious. It’s like they’re making fun of their clients. I don’t really get it, but it works.  I am not confused. I am fine. Also, I really want an Xbox. I’m glad Webb and I had that talk last night and realized everything is fine between us. I am SOOO excited for Scotch/Card/Concert DVD night with Bobby, Mark and whoever else. It’s the ultimate old men’s night. And I am the ultimate old man!

 

truth be told

after looking up some jobs just now, I’m  probably going to have to work at chilis for a while after I graduate, possibly intern too after graduation, in order to get the experience I need to actually get a job that pays more than 25k a year. I need to intern before I graduate as well because.. I dont know jack.

 

disappointing, you know, real life…

Queue

On Thursday I wrote my plans for the next 5 days. I am on day 5 and today’s list was:

Monday

Hand in Final Cut Project, Final Cut paper, Melodrama Paper, and then fall asleep for 100 years.

I’ve done 1/2 of that 4 itemed list, and I’m very glad to see I made time for a one hundred year nap.

The semester is really almost over. Yesterday after finishing this final cut project and the accompanying paper it was around 3 in the morning and I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I was pacing around the back patio, still a bit strung up from all the technology that was fusing with my brain, and I felt the loss of a burden. I have been stressed lately, not every day, but for like a few days at a time. I’d be stressed for a week, then have 4 stress-free days, followed by three more stressful days… it’s been like that for the past month I’d say. It’s simply because this semester has been a bit grueling and I have often found myself without enough time in the week. But last night after finishing this project, the project that has by far been the most stressful part of my semester- if not one of the most stressful projects I’ve ever had, I just felt such peace. As in, yes the semester isn’t quite over, but it almost is. And yes I am aware of 5-6 more papers that are on deck, but it doesn’t even matter. I did it. I learned how to use Mac’s. I conquered the class I so often wished I had dropped. I did it. And it’s a great feeling. And I didn’t need anyone to help me through it. Well, scratch that. Mick was a life saver. Final cut wouldnt work yesterday and I would have had to go to New Brunswick, and all this other technical stuff like hard drive compatibility and etc., Mick helped me. And my mom and dad listened as I freaked out. And Dave took a whole weeks worth of shifts for me. And Josh gave me lots of reassuring pats on the back, and Jeff and Nic allowed me to interview them.. so I did get emotional support and technical support and friendly support, but that’s all stuff I already have. I didn’t need some boyfriend to tell me he believes in me is what I’m getting at. If I had had a boyfriend I’d be all, “He is the silver lining when all I can see is black” or something else melodramatically poetic. But nope, my silver lining is already thicker than the black ever is. It’s more like silver-filler.

So alright, I am de-stressed and with that came another realization. Oh baby I have been EATING my problems. Ha, like seriously. I have definitely gained weight in the last 3 months. Noticeably. It suckkks. But I didn’t know why, or so I said, or so I was convinced, or so I refused to admit otherwise. But last night, you know during my 3 am pace-a-thon, I thought to myself, “Okay, I’m done.” And I was referring to my eating. I was kind of shocked to realize that with the stress came the stress food because I never really thought of myself as an emotional eater. Whatever, turns out I am, or was, but probably always have been ( I mean Ben and Jerry’s Uncanny Cashew got me out of a few rough nights during highschool, RIP). So that’s probably one of the biggest things I’ve learned about myself, because I was actually surprised.

So one of my favorite things to do is dream about the future, and as it comes closer (not saying horizon, crest, NEW DAY)… the dreams are suddenly more than that. I realized for the first time the other day that I should PRAY about where to go after I graduate. I basically planned on applying for jobs in all different states and just seeing who hired me (because I’m naively positive that I’ll not only get a job but one that pays well enough to move out of state for..) and saying “Adios” to this place. But that’s dumb. If I do that I’ll wake up in some God awful city with no friends and zero idea as to what I really expected. All I’ll know is that I’m not happy, I miss my sister and I’m too broke to afford any ice cream. I do need to pray. And I do trust that where ever God places me.. even if I was to stay in New Jersey (I had to close my eyes to even type that), it will work out to be the obvious right step for my life.

Oh there really is so much life to be had! I am so aware that my life, though 1/4 of the way through, has only scratched the surface. I am excited.

Not so much, though, to have learned recently that I am officially classified as being in my MID 20’S! Whoa.. 23 is young as hell but the apparent assumption is this:

20-22 Early Twenties

23-25 Mid Twenties

26-28 Late Twenties

29 doesn’t count because no one ever gets any older than 29.

Fortunately I’m on the cusp (that’s not crest) so I can still consider myself not-old.

Love and Life.

che

Right now, I’m worried about this final cut project. I hope that it saves. I also hope I dont have to present tomorrow, that is, hoping not everyone goes. But I think we might all be going. I hope this doesn’t suck =/

Gawsh I dont want to fail.

I’m tired and want to go to bed now, thank you. Its my dads birthday today! (I’ll call him in 9 hours when I’m leaving the house.) I’m going to write this paper so fast and then go to bed, hopefully.

Sharkeys birthday was a lot of fun. this weekend was fun. Saturday Nicole lost her  mind in the lounge. I did fine.

good bye/night

“You’re just a guy with a vagina…. weirdo.”

That was Kusher last night while I sat with him, Shark, and Jeff. Later, I hung out with John talking about who knows what, and then I stayed late talking with Nic Shark and Josh about fantasies and the imagination. I love having so many guy friends because I learn so much about men. Mainly, that they’re too visually stimulated and they’re also very stupid. Lastly, every man needs a good woman. Even though they don’t always realize that. It would balance them a bit. Everyone.

I did my paper last night. went to Sharkey’s birthday, now today though I am very sleepy I will be going to work, closing, and then doing the rest of my homework tomorrow.

You know, if I read everything I was supposed to for school I would be a whole lot smarter.