I need to explain what this is. Writer Craze comes gradually. I start to feel creative, but also stifled. It intensifies. My mind begins working differently. Its like theres something raging inside of me. Being born in me. Needing to get out. But it’s not something that comes out at once. It comes out slowly, over time, as I write and write and write for days or weeks, everyday. And with each word, a tiny part of it is released. Writer Craze is not the type of burning inside of you when you’re suddenly inspired. This is more of a mental breakdown of sorts. A written breakdown. And when this starts to happen, my mind shifts. It’s as if I’m a transformer and I have to transform into something else when this craze takes over. And it’s not a conscious choice. It just happens. And so I become more sensitive, more aware of emotion I suppose is a better way to put it. I am effected more. I feel things I would otherwise block out. I suppose it’s that my defenses are down as I suck in emotional stimulus in order to have more of a grasp on feeling when I write. It’s not that I go out and search for emotional shit to suck in, I just begin to feel the things that have already been going on that I just haven’t felt.
In this rare state, where I feel everything, I can cry. ( I rarely cry). I can cry, I can have revelations, I can talk more openly about how much writing means to me.. I am reminded that writing is imbedded into my fucking blood. It literally takes over. Writer Craze is a metamorphisis and I am different.
And I do go absolutely crazy. Like… a drug addict searching for the last bit of heroin left on the entire earth. That’s what it is. But, I never get my fix. I don’t know if I do. I write a lot, and say a lot.. but do I ever really get what is trying to come out?
You know what, I do. But it takes a while.
Writer Craze, since i see everything differently, also helps me to see what is WRONG with my life. I see the reasons that I am feeling absolutely insane at the moment and my writing pounces on it. Perhaps writer craze is a defense against the toxicity in my life. Because my writing pounces on those things like white blood cells and I can not for the life of me ignore the utter consequences any longer. Suddenly it’s all revealed. Like picking up a rock and seeing the potato bugs. That’s what writer craze does. It picks up the rocks, sees whats deep underneath. Things I haven’t looked at, ever. Writer Craze also knows what I need. It predicts things. When I start to feel it, my mind usually goes into some fantasy world. I do daydream much more, but there’s one particular fantasy that sticks out. It’s there for some reason. Sometimes suddenly people I have been thinking about come back into my life. They call me. They text me. They ask to hang out. It is exactly what I need.
And then, disaster strikes. And I am thrown for such a loop that there is no way my feet will be touching ground any time soon. And this is when it has fully taken over.
I suddenly need change. I crave it. I drive a lot. I smoke cigarettes. I go to the beach and look at the ocean. I feel like I’ve been crying though I haven’t been and everything seems coated in sadness, yet it’s still beautiful. Everything is both sad and hopeful. I am locked there. In sadness. In hope. I’m crowded in optimism. I’m crushed beneath sorrow. Now, here.. finally.. I am ready. Now I will begin to write the things that have been dying to come out. Only here, when I have been lifted into a different plain of vision. When my body and my heart and my thoughts have all been broken down, then I write. So maybe that’s really what it is. Writer Craze is the process of breaking me ultimately in order for the words to finally escape.
Writer Craze is beautiful and an amazing gift, but at the same time absolutely torturous. I wonder if anyone understands it. Someone has to.
Where am I now in the process? I am in the I NEED CHANGE phase. I haven’t been broken completely.. I felt like I was yesterday though. Maybe I am. I’ll have to see.
That link brings you to a rather short post that was written during one period of writer craze.
My eyes just opened wide, I saw a scene that is not infront of me. The craze has awakened.