I’m probably not gunna get to nap

but I have to get this out.

Where I am came full circle last night, and I could cry. Not because of anything other than myself. And not because of any emotional drama or baggage from my relationship with Joe. That is not it. This is it:

I have fallen, and I’ve fallen hard. After my relationship with Jon my relationship with God was never the same. And when I met Joe I was confused and living this life where I just did what felt right, regardless of consequences, regardless of other peoples feelings. I had no idea where it would lead me. It was just fun.

It ruined the beginning of the relationship with Joe.

After we broke up, what did I do? I continued the act of doing what felt right. And my heart hurt for a year. And to be honest.. I don’t know if I’m 100 percent healed. I can’t be. But you see, after Joe and I dragged the beautiful relationship out and started to exploit the physical aspects of it, and after that finally ended.. what did I do? I continued my pursuit of ‘fun’ and started around with Nic. All of these pursuits.. these carnal pursuits.. have left my heart corroded. Recently, I’ve been craving stability. It’s fall you know. I’m getting off track. The thing is, I want that love back. that beautiful happy sweet true love. and sometimes I wish… sometimes I wish…

I’ve been waiting for that something new. The internal me is dying to burst through the external me. The me that does things that doesn’t make sense. I’m pretty wise, I understand myself. I know the results that will come from the things I do. But I’m also young, and bored, and spiritually weak. Usually it’s okay, making mistakes. But then they become habits.

So I’ve been thinking about that lately. And then we hung out last night, Joe and I. You know.. I wanted to cuddle.

But I was reminded so quickly that he doesn’t just want to cuddle. he doesn’t just want to enjoy the time with eachother and doesnt want to just play in bed laughing and being silly. Thats what I wanted. I mean, he does want that I guess maybe in some aspect but…. thats what you do with someone you’re falling for or with someone youve already fallen for.

I can’t even say “it should work but it doesnt for some reason” because with what we’ve turned  it into in the past year, no it shouldnt work. the relationship we formed out of passive-aggressive talk and regretted sex wouldnt work for anyone. But even that is over now, has been.  if we were ever to give it an honest try again, who knows. but that is what isn’t happening. no honest chances here. and its for the best. I mean so much growing and changing so many dreams to realize. so much that has to happen on our own. i would never want to hold anyone back. besides.. who knows if wed even want eachother. theres a good chance we’d kill each other.

But anyway, and this is no longer in regards to Joe- so where I am now is a girl who deserves so much and has so much to give.. but settles for so much less. I just want that beautiful thing back, and I’m replacing it with bad copies of bad copies of bad copies of it. What I have doesnt even resemble what I want, but for so long it was better than nothing at all.

I see myself. I know what I want to give. And what I want back. And it’s sweet. its better than  what I’ve been giving myself. You see, some people can follow these short roads to momentary happiness but I know I’m different.

I recently learned that when fantasy finally meets reality in a once in a lifetime moment.. it doesn’t actually change anything. I learned that in class actually, through this book. Oscar Wao. That book rings so close to home even though I am not a Dominican comic book loving virgin living in North Jersey. It’s the way he sees things.

I don’t see last night as a reason to go into hiding from one another again. I know we’re constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because I miss you in my life too. But then we piss ourselves off.

We’ll see how it goes.

So anyway. Last night wasn’t anything to turn me upside down, and i do forgive and its not a big deal. it’s just that.. last night.. left me feeling like… why cant love just save me.

and that’s whats sad.

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