From Arizona

Im doing well. I’m a little worried about money. Im more of a worrier actually than I expected. I pray daily, a lot.

I am in a good place.

I think I left at the perfect time. Right as I was getting in trouble for my mouth. Right as I was beginning to hate my job. Right as I was getting caught up in something stupid.

I am excited to come home and like.. live life through “new eyes” or whatever. But I’m also happy out here. I’m not a drifter by any means. But I want both. Home and adventure. There’s all kinds of adventure out there. Now that this trip is being done, it’s going to free me to find adventure in other places instead of always thinking of it as this exact trip. What will be my next adventure? I’ve already decided I’m going to fall in love when I get back home. I don’t know when or with who, but I can sense it coming. Maybe that will be an adventure. Or moving out with Kari and Britt in October. Or finishing school. Or  anything. Adventure is everywhere, and you don’t have to drive 8000 in a huge circle to find it, though it does help.

and ive been thinking about you too. im not sure why. maybe its the trip. im not sure why.. im never sure why with you. walls back up. big tough faces. we dont need anyone. we dont need nothin at all, especially not eachother. (maybe thats true, maybe its not. once again, who knows)  It’s like a circle, chasin my tail. but you probably shouldnt say those things to me. and i probably shouldnt like it. and thats all im saying on that.


Contented Sigh

We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.

I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.

And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.

I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting  and scary and it’s only 4 days away.

Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.

I was pretty sick yesterday. Today all I have is a cough and sore throat. Why though? July cold? I literally tired myself out.

Friday was the Blue Claws game and afterwards we all went back to Maureens. I was up til 5.. slept 3 hours.. then awake again. We hung around for a while before Brittany and I had to drive out to LBI to spend time with the family. Finally we were able to leave, go home and sleep for a bit.. only to wake up at 10:30 starving. Ate at Fridays went back to sleep. Sunday I was NOT feeling well, but we had to go to Matt’s party. I assumed we’d stay for 2 hours and leave. 9 hours later, were on our way home and all I want is my bed. So Monday, yesterday, I woke up and had a fever and was just sick. But after resting, taking medicine and such I am feeling so much better today.

I work tonight. IT will be verry interesting seeing Nic tonight. I’m sure it’ll be totally fine. Actually I think when I see him I’m just going to laugh.

At this very exhausted moment in time, I don’t have anything to say other than… it finally happened hahaha.

I kind of can’t believe it. I’m pretty  happy about it.

One of my favorite songs right now

is By Your Side because it’s so true and makes me feel so thankful and it makes me want to cry.  It just hits me in the heart for some reason.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I’ll never let you go

I am sunburnt

or burned. I haven’t figured out yet which is actually correct. In anycase, I like looking back on entries and seeing when I am sunburned because it means for a minute of my life I was a different color than… well I was actually a color.
I have a headache and I’m sleepy. This weekend is a true cluster of stuff. Blueclaws game on Friday, party that night, 4th of July Saturday which is split between Bayville and LBI, and either LBI to Sunday or Matt’s. Then Monday I have off which is kind of unnecessary and kinda sucks because I need money but I’ll make do. Beach or Meineke or something.

Today, the coveted Wednesday day off, was good. Slept in, went to Rutgers to help Brittany get her stuff in order, ran into an old old aquaintance from high school IN the sociology building. Now this is God. We went in there and saw only offices, having zero idea where to go. I saw Vithya when I first walked in walking toward me but didn’t say anything. We walk in the same direction she’s headed when she asks if we need help. Turns out shes actually going for her Master’s in Sociology. So, she sends us up to the Dean’s office.. we never would have found that.. and we get everything Brittany needs. It was nice because Britt had had a bad run in with a lady at the major declaration office and was in a pretty bad mood. But after randomly running into someone I haven’t talked to since Sophomore year we got everything Brittany needed and the Dean was awesome. She feels so much better now.

Then we went to the Brunswick Sq. Mall, got dinner, went back to Freehold, saw My Sister’s Keeper, and then kicked back with the Niedrich’s and Mark. It was a good day but I am exhausted and my face hurts and I am ready to slip away into some dream world. Also, My Sister’s Keeper was 2 hours (or whatever) of me non-stop crying. I’m really glad I read the  book first because, as always, the  book had aspects that made it much better than the movie.

Good Night

The Bray Route

Yeah, I want to meet someone. Sure. But not that way. I’m not ready for that can of worms yet. And yeah, I hope I never am ready for that.

I am far too attractive.

And probably overly confident.

Oh well. Completely content right now in the expanding unknown. That’s actually a terrible way to word it. Expanding unknown makes it seem so immense I’d get overwhelmed.

Let’s just say, I’m content in the future. And faithful too. I’m always faithful when it’s convenient though aren’t I.