Legs of rubber.. Legs of STEEL

I haven’t updated in a while but I wasn’t in a place to update. But lately I’ve started to thaw a bit. My creativity is coming back. My long stint with writers block seems to be thawing and my life is feeling a lot more balanced. I’m happier. They say to have true balance you need to be emotionally, spiritually and physically in the same place. But for so long I’ve been too little on one thing or too focused on another, and my balance was off kilter. Lately though I’m feeling better. Standing up for myself has helped me to become emotionally more balanced, instead of letting myself feel walked over or under appreciated. This running at the reservoir has really balanced me physically. It is a catharsis. It keeps me from spending all day in my room before work. It makes me active. And with hopes of losing more weight, it gives me incentive. I enjoy it.

At first we speed walked three miles. The next day we speed walked 4 miles. The next day we speed walked/jogged five miles. Then today we speed walked two miles and jogged two miles. Depending on what time we wake up and what time we work, the mileage shifts, but we will always have time to do at least 4 miles. Now we’re going to try to alternate every mile between speed walking and jogging. Initially it’ll be 1)walk 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)walk. Then we’ll switch to 1)jog 2)walk 3)jog) 4)walk 5)jog. After jogging or running 3 miles becomes easier, we’ll slowly transition into 1)jog 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)jog. Obviously the goal is to be able to run 5 miles at a decent pace without dying. That’s going to take some time, but it’s a goal to have. I look forward to it and enjoy it. We are taking tomorrow off though because after 4 or 5 days of doing this every day, we need to let our muscles rest. Also, we have to get fingerprinted tomorrow and I don’t have time to do both.

Spiritually, I’ve stopped stressing over it. the more I stressed about how unworthy I was and the more I recognized ALLL the changes I needed to make, the less I would do because I was overwhelmed. I love God, God loves me, and gradual changes in time will be made and eventually I’ll get to wherever God wants me to be.. and then I’ll have to progress further. It’s a journey, NOT  a destination. So I’m just enjoying it.

I want to buy the patch. Quitting would be great, because as I was running today I could feel the smoking in me. At one point my heart was on fire.

I’ve been looking for something of intrinsic value. Something that made my life more than just what it was. By cutting back drastically on my spending, not going out to eat, cooking with Brittany, going to the reservoir and working more I feel like the time I do have off is cherished. I’m not completely lazy anymore. I feel like I’m balanced. And this road trip, though a huge leap of faith, will top it off. It at times felt more like a burden. Here I am saving all this money.. I could go shopping and get my hair done and go tanning! And feel so good. But I think of all the nights I sat outside smoking, daydreaming about this trip.. I owe it to myself. And once I go, I’ll be so glad I did.

I just pray Lord that you bless this trip and this Summer. I pray that you help us to save the money we need to save and that you keep us safe. Be with us and guard us and guide us. I love you Lord and I thank you for all the beautiful and wonderful things in my life. I am sorry for my shortcomings God. I just want to make you proud. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Continue to be with me as I navigate life. Thank you Lord. Amen.

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