Just an update

I got an A- on one of my papers today, which officially is my first A on a paper at Rutgers. The rest have all been B’s.. so score. I also worked the hardest on this paper I think. Secondly, Dave moves tomorrow, but he’ll be back in 2 weeks, either to get the rest of his stuff or because he’s spending the summer here. I really really hope he stays for the summer. We’re missing out on a lot with him gone.

Okay this weather has been amazing! The perks are
1) My leg hair doesn’t grow as quickly! In the winter, I get goosebumps on my legs and it makes my leg hair grow back faster, which is terribly inconvenient.
2) I’m so happy. I think I’m happy because life is going well and I’m in a good place, but this weather plays a significant role in that. I wasn’t this happy in the winter at ALL, which is my main proof.

This weather sucks because:
1) I don’t have air in my car and by the time I get to wear I’m going, I’m all sweaty.
2) I’m not tan and I feel like a slob because of it
3) I don’t have enough summer clothes.

2 and 3 can be remedied.. and as for 1.. well Britt is going to take her car to the shop and we’ll split it if it’s worth getting HER air repaired because we’re going to need it.

Daydreams

Lately I’ve been daydreaming. I live on my own, in a little house with what looks like antique furniture. Everything is fresh. Cross breeze makes it way from open window to open window. White linens, fresh pale purple flowers. A kitten named Lola. I’m not in New Jersey. I’m in Virginia or Louisiana or somewhere else that I’ve never spent any time in. I live in a small town, and can walk to work. Downtown is only a ten minute walk, and I work in an office as an editor for a website. They write articles about different trends in business, demographics, whats being made and what’s actually being sold. I don’t write but I just gave my boss a few articles and he really liked them. If he took me on as a writer too, I’d get a good raise. I’m fully confident. I throw clothes on and feel beautiful. The breeze makes me so content. And after work, I walk home and light candles and eat dinner at my kitchen table, or outside on the back table. It’s simple and quaint and lovely. Strikingly old fashioned, unfamiliar… and perfect. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, I’ve stopped thinking about the future. I’m content where I’m at, and nothing else matters.

After I graduate, I hope to find true peace. I don’t want to work for a business in the city. I don’t want to stay in NJ. Ideally I want to find a nice little town that is nothing like here but has everything I need.

Sigh… how wonderful.

Take Back the Night and the raffle

So on Thursday I left class ten minutes early. It was dull, I just wanted out. I thought we were done, packed my stuff up, and then realized there was ten minutes left and he was going over another poem. So I bounced. I knew Take Back the Night was doing a march on campus that day, but it started at 6:30 and I had class. When I left it was just before 9 and figured it was over. I heard them march past our classroom, screaming some chant about ending domestic violence, and as their voices faded away I figured that was it. But as I was walking down College Ave I came across a group of about 30 or 50 people surrounding a microphone. A girl was giving a spoken word about being raped, and I stopped to listen. Actually, I jolted to a stop. The next person went and I listened intently and began to get tears in my eyes. It was really emotional for me. A few more people went, some talked about rape, others about domestic violence, and I felt myself saying, “You have to go up there.” I knew I’d be so disappointed in myself if I didn’t. After seeing there wasn’t a line or a list or a roster, I crept up to the front of the crowd. A girl stepped down and the mic was open, and no one went up. All of a sudden I just dropped my bags and walked up to the mic. I was so nervous, and I looked at the crowd on the busiest street in school, standing at the microphone, and just opened my mouth and said, “Three years ago I was raped,” then I took a moment and felt myself wanting to cry so I followed with, “And if I start crying it’s not out of weakness but because the fact that I can stand up here and say that to all of you shows how far I’ve come.” Then, to my surprise, people started clapping and cheering, and I took that moment to recollect myself. I went on to tell the story, the aftermath, the people saying “it was fucked up but it wasn’t rape.” I explained how I had to see him continuously after that, how he ate lunch with Shari and I. I told them about telling my mom and how for so long I had no voice. But then I explained how I started talking about it- to my class, to my family. And I explained that the moment you stand up on your feet and find your voice again is the moment you begin taking back the night.

Afterward I was really emotional. I was shaking and crying, so I called Rachel and cried pretty hard. Then I called my mom and cried some more. It wasn’t an immediate catharsis like I imagined it would be. Instead it made me realize that I’ve never dealt with it. If hearing those other girl’s stories could make me cry then there is still scarring on my heart that needs to be addressed. Also, if I cried so hard after telling my story then there is definitely scarring I need to address. It’s just that I still tell myself it wasn’t rape. But I said no, and I’ve been so affected by it that I can’t deny it. I owe it to myself to say, “yes I was raped, and yes I am affected, and no it wasn’t okay!” But my question is, if you heal from it, do you forget it? Does that mean you’re over it? Does that make it okay? It doesn’t I guess, but I think I want to be mad at him. I told Rachel shortly after it happened that I genuinely forgive him, but I don’t! I don’t. And he never had any repercussions so I feel like by holding on to it he isn’t getting away with it. I guess if I healed and forgave him completely I’d feel like he really got away with it. And since it’s way too late to report it, by letting it stay within me I’m keeping him from getting off totally scotch free. But why should I have to be the one to pay the price for him? If he can go on with his life, I deserve to go on with mine. And though he never suffered any legal or worldly consequences, my faith is that he will or has suffered consequences that I just can’t see. I think I should go to a counselor and talk about it, in order to start the healing. I firmly believe in counselors, I think they are so beneficial and help you to realize things you can’t realize on your own. Or at least things that would be supremely difficult to realize on your own. Maybe I’ll do that next semester… go to the school counselors that is. But, never the less, speaking in Take Back the Night was a life goal of mine and I’m so proud of myself for getting up there.. completely alone.. no one in the crowd who knew me or to support me.. and telling what happened. Proud of myself for admitting it out loud. Maybe it helped some one, but even if it didn’t, it at least helped me to realize I still have healing to do.

In other news, last night a bunch of us went to the Chapter House because it was Anjel’s 23rd birthday. They were holding a raffle for a 3 day 2 night stay at a hotel in whatever state you chose. I told John that if he won he should take me and that if I won I’d take him. I don’t know why I said that, maybe because we were splitting so many tickets. They were free and Haas was bar tending and she gave us a huge pile of tickets. I ended up winning! So we picked Myrtle Beach because Katie and Tim live out there. We could hang out with them without putting them out, go to the bars, see Vinny. It’s going to be fun. Alana and Bobby might go to SC that weekend too and stay with KT and Tim. If we get 2 beds Brittany can come too and maybe even Kari if she can get off from work. We’re planning on going in August.

Tomorrow is going to be beautiful and we’re having a BBQ at Maureen’s. It’s going to be so nice and maybe I’ll even get some color! I should wear shorts to be sure.

At Last I See What All Of This Ridiculous Hard Work Is For

Hi there! Two papers down. 1000 more to go. One due today? Didn’t get the assignment because you missed that day chump. We’ll figure it out. Also, listening to the spill canvas for ever and ever and ever results in over quoting. OH, my heart beats for them haha. Um, let’s see. My group that I have to work with for medieval sexuality HATES me. Or at least, this one kid does. “Um, I don’t mean to be rude but this group is already full.” “Um, not be a jerk, but I don’t want you reading my paper if I haven’t read yours yet.” Suck it.

Lastly, today is a little windy but I appreciate any weather that isn’t 40 degrees. Walking around Rutgers in that weather has made me very grateful for even chilly Spring days.

Ps-
My faith in only one person can move mountains. Brae

Argh, I can’t wait for these papers to be done! I wish I could snap my fingers and the paper would be what it will be once I finish it.

I can’t suppress this happy feeling in my heart. I don’t know why, it’s like I’m excited. For nothing necessarily in particular though.

I’m in a really good place right now. I mean school is kicking my butt, but everything else is going so well. Let’s see… my job is going well, school is almost over!!, I’ll be in England this time next month, Britt and I are pretty positive about going on our road trip to the West coast of the country. Once I get all these papers done (bc I have to do 7 in the  next 2-3 weeks!!! and I havent started any yet) I’ll be ready to get on with my amazing summer. I think that I have finally gotten to that place. You know when life is confusing and constricting, and you think "I just want to be happy again. I just want peace again. I just want a normal life again where these thoughts aren’t always going through my head. Where I don’t have these mental anguishes." The idea of a life like that at times is almost unfathomable. Like it doesn’t exist. You can’t remember it anyway. But… that is my life right now. God really has plopped me into a nice life. I don’t have any regrets, I don’t have any of my past worries.. I’m not affected by the past anymore. I’m just happy and here, and I think that’s important to note because undoubtedly I’ll go through trials and struggles again, and this can serve as a testament that (once again) no matter what, this too will pass.

I hope you’re all doing well!