I wanted to not work bar today because I was so tired. I was up by 9:30 and showered and on the road by 10:20. I was in class by 11:20 and my professor arrived late.. so late in fact that another four minutes and we would have been able to all leave. Regardless, I noticed how alert I was and I was proud of myself. That’s when my eyes became heavy and next thing I knew I was asleep. That is until my arm slipped from under my perched head and my neck snapped forward. You know, the “I was one second away from banging my head on my desk” situation. Anyway when I left class all I wanted was a nap.
But I didn’t get a nap and went to work and closed the bar and it was fun. I made more money than I would have made if I was in the lounge and I learned how to make two new drinks: A washington apple and a white russian. I think I’ll keep this shift for myself, and only switch with Dave if I am ridiculously tired. I’m proud of myself for working bar tonight.
In retrospect I’m happy I went last night. I didn’t know most of the people there but it wasn’t like a big party, it was an intimate thing. Sure, if Lizzie hadn’t walked in when we did it might have been a different kind of night… but I’m glad we were able to talk to her. Two sides to every story and after all the shit I think I get her point. I mean, we’re all idiots. We all make terrible decisions when it comes to dating. And apparently we all suck at letting go. So that’s not to say either of them are intelligent in their process, it’s just to say I get it.
As the days roll on, I’m becoming a little happier and a little happier and more comfortable in my skin and in my life. I don’t feel like anyone is better than me or better off than me. I, for the most part, like where I am. Theres thing I hate, like Maureen being how she is sometimes and Josh being how he is sometimes, but the good of everyone and everything else outweighs the negative.
I don’t feel like I’m in a group of friends anymore. I just go to and fro and do what I want. It’s nice and freeing.
I don’t feel like I have to answer to anyone anymore too. I don’t have to explain myself. I just don’t care enough to do that. If someone asks for an explanation or puts me down or is condescending.. they just look ignorant and insecure to me.
Anyway, I’m making a tiny little mark for myself, like a little nest, right in the center of everything in my life. And I belong.
So I was reading the personal blog of one of my favorite gossip site’s main editor and she said-
“Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche had a great line: ‘It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.'”
This just makes a lot of sense to me. I’m not suicidal or depressed- just low grade crazy.. so low grade I hardly even know it’s there… but this reminds me of times when I was depressed and was crazy. No I’d never consider suicide and I never have.. but knowing Nietzsche said this brings me comfort.
I think it just connects human emotion from the past to the present, from all walks of life. It connects me to Nietzsche. It connects my vulnerability to the world’s.
It makes me feel like everything has been felt before. It makes me feel like I’m never alone.
I’m also grateful that I’m not depressed. Because dark thoughts rise from depression, and this quote reminds me of darker days that I’ve avoided for a few years now.
I also feel grateful to God.
“…A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own
attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most
important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and
smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful.
Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.”
-Excerpt from “Eat, Pray, Love”
I don’t know if I believe this.
I’m been feeling good lately. Not so sad or longing.
Kari came over last night and I drank a lot of wine. Ended up subscribing to so many bands on Pollstar. Freaking JOHN VANDERSLICE is playing in New York this week and I’m going to miss it. I didn’t know! So I Pollstarred him for future notice.
I’m looking at the rest of my week:
School today, work tomorrow, Meeting and work Saturday..
It all seems so routine.
I’m in the library. Josh’s cerebral palsy housemate is over there helping an older African American guy in a Fanta button up. Fanta button up? Yes.. at first it looks Hawaiian but upon closer inspection you see the Fanta logo all over it. I’ll go say hi, and then go to class.
Today has been good. I swear Springish weather makes me a different person. A BETTER person. Yes, I know, how unfathomable. Now to stop smoking. Ha.. I know.. my updates have the same 5 reoccurring themes. Quitting smoking is one of them. I’ll make it a category so I can see how often I bring that up.
Josh’s house after class. I love Dave Tufts. I’m pretty upset he’s moving.
Oh AND… I uploaded my Ipod today. Nice.
I haven’t updated in a long time. but everything is exactly the same.
Nothing has changed at all.
I’m single still.
But of course, Joe is still in my life.
I’m in school still.
But of course, I’m still slacking.
I’m at Chili’s still.
But of course, I’m still broke.
But of course, I still confuse myself.