being crazy. Which I totally am, sometimes.
If left on it’s own, my brain will flow into weird places and kind of get stuck there. And then I’ll switch to autopilot and continue in my same monotonous self-destructive tasks until all of a sudden (if I’m lucky) a moment of clarity will emerge and I’ll be like “Oh yeah, wait.. what am I doing this for? I’m beyond this.” And then I’ll stop. I become a robot fueled on boredom.
It all results from boredom. It’s true. And why am I bored? Because I let myself be incredibly lazy at times. And why do I let myself be lazy? Because I have no idea what I want to do! Ever.
There’s a study that says basically, the brain can’t predict emotional responses to things that haven’t happened yet. In other words, there’s no true way to know what will bring you the feelings youre craving, so there’s no way you can know what you want. Because your brain literally cant process what will give you the feelings you’re looking for. Yes you can guess- like “hmm maybe if I was driving on an open road that restlessness would leave” but theres no real way to know that. So, because it’s impossible to know what you want, you really just have to go with the flow. And thats what I’m doing. Im riding this life out right now. I’m fucking, existing.
Let’s be real. I’m on the crest of a ‘new day’ if you want to call it that. Or, I’m in the new day. I’d rather be on the crest of a new day because that means I haven’t stumbled into it yet. But most likely, this is the new day. The beginning part of it anyway. The blended part. The part where the old day is turning into the new day, that shady part.. thats where I am.
So, it’s kind of a restless state. I can see perfectly all that I’m leaving behind, but I can’t see an inch into the future. Not at all. Let’s hope I’m blinded by the brightness of my future, but who knows. Regardless, I do feel restless. Like.. there was all this excitement (“You women love the drama”) and now there isn’t excitement. There’s responsibility, a lot of responsibility. But that isn’t excitement. And so, full circle, out comes the crazy. Resorting to the old things that gave me excitement. Ridiculous!
Mainly I’m not fulfilled. But how could I be? I dream of warmer states and places where I’m a stranger. Meanwhile, I commute to Rutgers 4 days a week from the town I’ve lived in for 11 years and work at the same restaurant I’ve been at for nearly 3 years. I’m not a stranger. The servers at The Court Jester KNOW me, because I’m a regular. Haha. See, I’m a townee I guess. And I will be, until I graduate. Which is good, because at least there’s an end to this road. It’s not like I’m stuck here forever. It’s not like I’ve graduated and am still here for lack of other options. Anyway- it’s not a big deal.
I’m happy with my overall life.
I just happen to have dreams that I need to be fulfilled. Eventually. I am dissatisfied (at times) and restless (at times). That is why I sometimes feel crazy. In reality, I’m just chillin, working on school, and planning the things I will do when the opportunity arises.
The moral of this story is: Patience. I need it. I have patience usually. Just some moments I get exasperated.
And God is great. I mean, He is always there, helping me along. Chillin me out. Loving me. Giving me hope.
But sometimes I feel myself getting annoyed at being so ‘faithful’ and I’m like “Hey! I need something over here! Throw me a line already!” But I need to remember that if I continue being patient, and following Him, all will make sense eventually. My dreams will come true, I will finish school, I’ll get the adventure and excitement back (only this time it will be healthier and fulfilling) and everything will be done as He wants it, so then everything will be far more fulfilling than if I had done it on my own.
See, that makes me feel better.
Thank God I’m going to England in May! I really, really need a trip to somewhere new.