I feel much better! Being stuck home was terrible for my mind. Getting outside, going back to school, feeling better has HEALED my brain. So did a short convo with Rachel. That rut I’ve been in is gone.

All is fine, I just needed to allow myself to be me.


Verifying My Existance

Today I woke up and didn’t have a fever! I think that means I’m better!

I am getting used to being ignored.

I’ve been obsessing over some pretty strange stuff lately, and I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve been stuck in my house for the past 5 days. But I have been obsessing! And when you obsess you make a big deal out of things that aren’t a big deal at all to anyone else. Fortunately, I’ve kept my crazy to myself. I really need to get back to school tomorrow. I will be there. I regret getting sick. I wish I hadn’t missed so many classes, but also, I got it all on lock. So I’m not too worried. Just have some reading to catch up on today.

On Saturday I’m going skiing. That’s going to be a lot of fun. As long as I don’t fall down and have to get rescued from the mountain again. My new boss, Mike, is going to be there. I wish he wasn’t. I just want to spend time with my mom, but now him and his douchey friends are going to be around. Kristen’s coming too, which is fine though. And Britt is snowboarding, so all these snowboarders being there is good for her.

Are snowboarders douchey? These ones are I bet.

Quitting is Fun

First off, reading gossip blogs is not like ‘my thing’. But at night, sometimes, when I don’t have much standing between myself and sleep, I’ll read them. Too much. This has a literal side effect. If I read a gossip blog too much at night before bed, I can’t fall asleep because my mind is racing. I suppose from scanning so many articles, and moving from story to story so quickly, my mind is all high strung. And as I begin to drift to sleep I picture celebrity things, as in like either I am a celebrity or I’m reporting on celebrities. And everything is so fast and invasive. It’ terrible! It makes it so I stay up too long and then it makes my sleep very restless as I continually wake up.

My throat is hurting today. My announcement was that I am quitting smoking. Friday I had 2. Saturday I had 1. Sunday I had 1. Yesterday I was going to have zero, but then I smoked some. Terrible idea. So today I will have zero then. Whats the difference this time? Well my bronchitis is probably directly, or at the least indirectly, related to smoking. No doubt it was simmering in me and smoking made it worse. I just hit a point where I feel I’m done. I’m ready to be smoke free. Why have I been smoking then? To curb the cravings for the first few days. But now I”m done. No more, especially since I had a few last night. Its very freeing. Driving without a cigarette isn’t as hard as I expected. Instead I love it. When I smoked, I would not even want a cigarette at times, but would smoke it anyway just because it was there. I’d smoke and smoke and smoke until I didn’t feel well. Smoking was no longer a choice. I was in complete bondage to it. I’m ready to break free from it.
Also, God is calling me to change. This is one thing he wanted me to change. So initially I started thinking about it because of God, and I started cutting back on Friday. Then I got sick and the whole concept was reinforced. I’m not really having any serious cravings. The one cigarette a day is probably helping with that. And if I am sweaty or feeling ill from it, I don’t realize because I’m sweaty and ill already. I haven’t freaked out at all though, because I wont let myself. I see that as my one big mistake the other times I’ve tried to quit.
Quitting is not just the absence of a cigarette from your lips. It’s incredibly mental. When I begin to feel flustered, I tell myself “Calm down.” Otherwise, I would get flustered, and then upon realizing I couldn’t have the one thing I’ve leaned on for the past 3 years every time I felt frustrated, would wile out. I have cried, pouted, begged- and most commonly, given in and bought cigarettes. But this time I realize that I am going to be frustrated and flustered in life. Cigarettes never made everything better, they just relaxed me. I need to learn to relax using other methods.
Not to mention the benefits of saving money, not dieing, not smelling, and my car not being disgusting, my mom not being on my case anymore and realizing that I have the strength and willpower to do it when I for so long thought I couldn’t. I’ve been waiting for the day I was going to quit, and this is it. Reaaaaaallly! And why? Because I’m not being forced to and I don’t feel trapped- this is what I want to do. And thank you God for helping me. I couldn’t do this without you. I’ve prayed for years that you would just really help me quit. You are really really helping! It’s great, and so much easier than if I were to do it on my own.

I’m sick as anything still. I shouldnt have gone out last night. But I was smart enough not to drink. I was thinking of getting a doctors note for class today, but I should really just go.


So I finally went to the doctor. I have an upper respiratory thing.. and maybe a touch of bronchitis. I have medicine and got a doctors note for missing school today. I had the opportunity to get out of school for tomorrow too, but I didn’t let myself do it! I need to go to school ha.

My fever is up and down and up and down. But at least now I have antibiotics. It’s just annoying because I feel completely fine, and then I get up and do something, and I’m suddenly sick again.

But I have an announcement that I’ll announce tomorrow.

This isn’t fun anymore

I am still sick. My fever isn’t terrible at all, 100.7.. but it is giving me an eye headache. My eyes are so sore! And I feel my fever going up. I’m just so warm. And my throat. Flemmy. Coughing. It’s 9am, usually I’d still be sleeping. But this little fever keeps waking me up so early. Yesterday I was awake by 8:15, but I appreciated that because I had work at 10. But today I am supposed to go to my dads at 5. I don’t want to now. But I have to. But I don’t want to.

Too bad this isn’t a stomach virus, at least then I’d be losing weight. But the one thing I still have is an appetite.

I am so hot. I wish I had sweated this out already.

Sorry that my 100th! post is so whiny. I might as well make up for it:

    Yesterday I made 240 bucks, not including my tip out.
    I had a dream last night that I had been beat like Rhianna, and there were pictures of it. In the end though, it was all a misunderstanding
    I started this journal on the downward end of a relationship, but today I am whole again

I don’t know what else to say. I feel sick. And hot. That’s the truth.