Life is a lot different now that I’m back at school. I definitely think this English major is right for me, because it sparks my interest like none other. I’ve been down on myself lately, unsure of how I could ever write like these writers I’m studying. Also, I felt like I can’t read well, or interpret well, or do anything well. But I think I’m getting a little more comfortable in my skin because the things I would come up with in my head are the things the teacher would then explain. I’m just going to speak up more often, because the less I focus on not being wrong, the better my chances of focusing and being right.
Other than that, and the dire position of my wallet and the terrible 2 parking tickets I received, I’m okay. I don’t have much room for a life I feel. And lately most of my free time has been spent with Joe. I do crave doing things, going out, or just getting out of a house and being outside. But it’s so cold, and I’m broke, and it’s way easier to just lay around. But I hate that, and as soon as it’s closer to Spring, oh I’ll come alive again.
Sometimes lately, I look at the people around me and I think I just want to disappear from them for a while. I can blame it on school. And once I am gone from them, I can be free to do whatever I want. I’ll look in from an outsiders view and realize how dumb it all is.
High school was ridiculously easy, and for the first time in my life, I wish I had appreciated it more.
I have realized how little my friends know, and how dumb it is for me to ever base decisions on their opinions.
I don’t like it when I feel far from God. I don’t think doing things that puts a blockade up between myself and Him. I love God and I realize that we aren’t to do things not because He’s a killjoy but because of the repercussions. Feeling distanced makes me feel sad, and I’m disappointed in myself. It’s like I preach it, but at times I so easily throw my convictions to the wind and do what I want anyway.
I love you God. Sorry I’m so human. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for making me feel distant, because it shows me how close I can be and how happy I am to be in your arms. I don’t try and follow you because I simply want to go to Heaven, I do it because I love you and enjoy being in your company. I like having you in my life. I want nothing else.
Now that I have less time to be so humdrum and less time to spend doing nothing but over analyzing my thoughts and movements, I believe my writing will reflect a much saner (though also much more boring) mind.
For instance, I am happy because today I got to school all on my own, parked without getting lost, and took the right bus to the right campus. That is a small victory. Then, I changed out of my Old English class because 1) I couldn’t listen to that woman’s strangely deflating voice for 15 weeks and 2) I was not going to write a 20 page paper on the letter thorn because I don’t care about it I’ve found out. Now I’m taking a class concentrated on the strange sexual escapades of those in the Middle Ages. Sounds a lot more interesting. So that was another victory.
Lastly, I changed my Student in Transitions class to Thursday. This cut my 5 hour break into a 3 hour break, changed Wednesday’s from a 3 class day to a one class day, and made it possible for me to sleep in on both Tuesday’s AND Wednesday’s. Yes, my Thursdays are SHOT now, but it’s all for the greater good. This was my last victory.
See… how boring of me.
Lastly, Monday is the only day with a terrible break in between classes (5 hours) but I shall reserve this single day as the day I take full advantage of Josh’s studio on Easton.
All in all, day 2 of school and I’ve got most of this stuff figured out. Don’t ask me how to get a student ID, where to buy books or how to declare my major though… those things will have to come later.
I wish LOST wasn’t tonight because I’m already exhausted. And I don’t want to get sucked back into that mind fuck. I was for so long craving it, but now I don’t know if I can handle it. I think it just might annoy me. Ah, sacrilege, I know.
Thank God I know where this library is. I couldn’t spend anymore time outside. It’s getting colder……
(why do some Asian girls always look so confused or out of place.. I always feel like they look like they don’t speak English. They just look lost)
Am I the same? Or are the changes just still too subtle to be noticed?
Is everything redundant? Or am I selling life short just because it’s easier.