The Moments Between Excitement

I called Rowan today and they told me that a decision was made on my application and I’ll be getting a letter soon. I’m terrified that because I haven’t sent any Lee transcripts to any of my new schools, they’re all going to deny me and I’ll have to wait until Fall to reapply and try again. But, on the other hand, I’m really hopeful that I’ll be accepted to a lot of them. Mostly Rowan or Rutgers…. Rutgers is a reach you know.

Also pending:

Kean and William Patterson

Those aren’t even amazing school I don’t think but I’m excited to finish school and start my English:Writing career.

I have a lot to do today, but today I have it all on lock. And my mom left for Florida today so.. sweet.

Also, I called my high school today and the lady I spoke to was so old and grumpy, and short with me. It reminded me of why I hated that school. It wasn’t the kids, it was the staff.

Going to the gym. Oh, what an annoying task. Not being at the gym, just getting the motivation to get off my butt and go. Once I’m there, I love it. After I leave, I feel so rejuvenated. Sore, but rejuvenated. It’s like all the toxins in my body are purged. I mean my mental toxins. My laziness. Underachieving. Petty excuses for not doing what I should. I leave with such a clear mind and so determined and motivated. But, if I don’t get right on my work, it quickly slips away.

Tonight during boxing I was doing this routine and I was wondering if I was doing it correctly. Suddenly I thought of school and how much I have to get done. And then I started thinking of how lazy I have been lately regarding school, and I just became so overwhelmed that I could feel myself wanting to cry. I was thinking, "What is so wrong with me that I put off school work the way I do? Do I hate school? Do I hate what I’m doing? Am I graduating from school with no real desire to become a professional in any field? Do I want to waitress forever?" But just as soon as they came, I threw them out, because I reminded myself that going to school for english composition is wonderful and that I will enjoy that. I reminded myself that no I don’t want to be a waitress. I reminded myself that once I get out of Brookdale I’ll be able to focus on classes designed more specifically toward my future career goals. Then I rebuked all that negative energy. 

When I used to feel overwhelmed, I would think that I was probably entitled to that feeling. When I would find myself crying for no reason, I’d let myself because I figured I needed a good cry because there was probably some things I was bottling up. Also because sometimes girls just need to cry. But now I want to say more to myself, "You’re not entitled to be overwhelmed. Take your stuff and deal with it." And sometimes now if I feel the need to cry, and there’s no reason for it, I won’t linger in it. Instead I tell myself to snap out of it. Sometimes you are overwhelmed. Sometimes you are so frustrated or stressed or dealing with things that a good cry is very necessary. But sometimes you need to tell yourself to quit crying before you give yourself something to cry over!
Or something like that.

I just refuse to wallow. I have much too much to do, and no time for that. I don’t want to be the victim of my circumstances because these are MY circumstances. I haven’t been the victim in a long time, I took that title back. I was a victim once. in 2006. If I made it through that, I’m pretty sure I can handle a few papers and reading. Also, Rowan keeps saying they didn’t get my transcripts. But they should have by now.

I’ll figure that out later. Releaseeeeee the negative energy. And goodnight

Mundane, monotonous

Tomorrow is only Monday. I’m doing what I’m created to do right now; I don’t have too much on my plate, I can’t take on anything else.

But tomorrow is only Monday. I wish I had someone to believe in me. You know, besides my mom.

I just got accustomed to hearing it. I need the verbal reinforcement. I always have. My dad was talking to me once about the different ways you love people, seeing as people need different forms of love. One of the ways he said I always needed it was verbal reinforcement, more so than physical touch or cuddling. He had to tell me I was doing a good job, that he loved me, that he was proud of me, where as Brittany didn’t need that as much as she needed the cuddling and kisses.

That’s one thing about me that hasn’t changed I suppose

Brie took me off her friends list. It’s something really trivial to care about, but she’s going through a lot right now and I haven’t even spoken to her. And now she has decided not to be my friend anymore. I don’t know much about what’s going on, other than Andrew went out there because Brie’s dad called and said Brie was kicked out and if he wanted to see the baby he had to come right away. They found out Brie had apaprently been doing E, and they think she’s crazy. I don’t know. I should just call her. It just makes me kind of sad.

I’ve got my schedule down. It’s refreshing to remember that in two months my schedule will be completely different. And even better to remember that there is a summer that lies at the end of this year, and Sharkey might be back by then. So I have a lot to look forward to. But for now, my schedule is concrete and I’m managing it. Going to the gym is something I need to do more often, but I’m always tired and so I let myself be lazy. Fortunately, kari and brittany are around enough to have someone to go with. Keeps me motivated. But, amidst the annoyances of school and work, I have found little nooks of time to fill with friends. Though a lot of that time may be spent at the Court Jester after work, it’s always a good time. Just sitting and talking with them. Without that, I would go insane. Last night I met up with Dave, Josh and Justin.  We watched the World Series and talked about nothing important and shared food. I think I need to go back on Nutrisystem.

MINI-FEED

Um, that last post sounds just too rigid.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee flowing.

Josh and I reconciled. Nic, Josh, Kari, Me, Brittany and Maureen (and Jeff) have a secret. Nic and I talk about it all the time. We had a town meeting about it. I have decided not to actually act on it, but me and Nic talk a lot more now, so it at least did that.
Josh wants me to film him. Every day. For months. So he can use that footage to make a video about himself and put it on his album so when people get the cd, they can see a 20 minute piece on who it is they’re actually listening to. This would require me to go to Maryland with him. I’d finally get to meet Fluent maybe. The only reason I havent met him is because the one time he was coming to town I was going to Florida, so they cancelled the trip.

I’m still really bad at doing homework. Brittany’s car died today and we had to get a tow truck. It was in the middle of strickland right before turning onto rt 9.

I’ve been watching wife swap for far too long.

Matt and Maureen are the same person.
Andrew went back to California today. Fingers crossed.

I don’t know what to do for Halloween. I told Megan I’d go to her school, but then Britt told Josh and Justin to come over our house. So now I don’t know which to do. Which doesn’t matter, because I don’t have my Hulk Hogan outfit yet anyway. And yes, that’s apt to change.

Solitary Confinement

There are few things as precious as time spent alone. This is something I am only recently tapping into. I have always enjoyed time alone, but only to a certain extent. Shopping alone, going for drives, getting lunch while I do my homework. Small things that I really enjoyed. But lately, I’m finding more outlets for myself. Sometimes, I look forward to doing things alone instead of with a friend. I went to the movies alone two weeks ago, went to church alone today, did the workout class alone. These are things synonymous with fellowship. But going alone is really peaceful. The workout class ended up being fun as we had to partner up. Okay so picture this guy who is about 6’3, and huge.. really thick calves and such. He is my kickboxing partner. So we face each other, with the sandbag between us, and kick it. Simultaneously, or one after eachother. He kicked more softly than he normally would, which I appreciated because otherwise the bag would have flown at me and knocked me over. He was patient when I kicked the bag repetitively, doing it slower than he would have. Then we did crunches together. My life consists of working and school, but neither of these things are me. I am not a student. I am not a waitress. Those are parts of my life, but they aren’t my life. So I am doing things to up the quality of life. These kickboxing and boxing classes are things I really enjoy. It’s hard as hell, but I enjoy it the whole time, even when I’m kicking the bag wrong and even when Brittany later tells me the instructor turned his head and laughed. (…..)

I just want my life to be enjoyable, I want it to have subtance. And I like being able to add substance to it on my own, as well as with my friends.