I finished Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar this week. Chronicling the mental break down of a young girl, the book is relatable in some aspects. But, overall, I can see why it was met with disappointment at first. Regardless, I’m happy to have finished it, and it did remind me of my first year of college. The anxiety, confusion and the feeling of literally being trapped under a bell jar, surrounded by your own stagnant air no matter where you were or who you were with. It perfectly captures depression. It also left me feeling grateful for having found my way out of that crippling disdain for life years ago. I was thoroughly depressed during my first year of college, and look back on it completely relieved. I hadn’t gone for help like Plath’s character, but was rescued by God.
Today I began And Still We Rise. It’s a book about inner-city high school kids in the gifted program. The trials they face, the way they persevere, or in some cases, why it is they inevitably fail. It shows me how lazy I am, how privileged I am, and how I really need to step it up with school. But other than that, it’s a very fascinating true story written by a reporter who spent the year at Crenshaw High School in the South Side of L.A, and the way he tells the straight story, completely unbiased, yet with beautiful shots of the inspiration and hope transfixed throughout these kids lives, makes it not only readable but really entertaining. I didn’t stop until I was about 100 pages in.
But, besides that, today I started Nutrisystem. At first I was starving, annoyed and sick. I thought, "There is no way I’m going stick to this," and decided to make plans for dinner. After eating the Nutrisystem dinner though (pasta in a three cheese sauce with chicken) and it actually being delicious, I found myself leafing through a meal program guide. Suddenly I came face to face with why I was so hungry. Not opening any of the literature kept me from realizing I had missed out on a few things. I hadn’t been incorporating anything into the meals other than what they had shipped me. They send you a months worth of food; breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert for 28 days. However, along with that you are to incorporate dairy (like yogurt withbreakfast), fruits and vegetables, and protein throughout your day. For instance, a side of broccoli with my dinner or a wheat roll with lettuce and tomato with the grilled chicken. And most importantly, I did NOT take advantage of my afternoon snack. Not adding in the other nutrients means I would only be consuming 800 calories a day. Doing this would cause my body to hold on to everything, it would slow my metabolism, and the minute I started to eat outside of the diet and try to incorporate it in my real life I’d begin gaining my weight back. Anyway, I did drink coffee and a glass of NONFAT milk, which helped curb my appetite. This really seems possible. Getting used to eating breakfast, breaking the habit of snacking through out the day and taking the time to eat the right serving size will become habit and hopefully part of my life during this time. I’m excited. I took pictures of myself today, well my stomach, the side view, and the back view. Holy love handles! I’ll post them in 2 months if I’m super sexy and won’t mind showing what I used to look like. I weighed myself too for the first time in forever. I weigh 145 pounds. I’m between 5’4 and 5’5. I’ve been heavier, but I haven’t really been lighter than this since my Junior year when I weighed 140 pounds. So, I’m only 5 pounds heavier than I was 4 years ago BUT I have really yoyo’d in the last 4 years from 140-155. I may have been 160 at one time but I didn’t weigh myself back then. Anyway, all this rambling is simply to say that if I lose 10 pounds this month like nutrisystem says I will, then I’ll be 135 which was my initial goal. But, that would be a true dream come true. It isn’t easy for me to lose weight at all. Usually I bounce between this and 152, occasionally gaining weight, then losing it for no reason. But to really lose weight would be amazing. I’d feel so much better about myself because I would finally look to others how I think I already look. My self esteem is high, but based on some pictures, should be a bit lower. Anyway, if I did that and continued next month like I have resigned myself to doing, I could get down to 130, which would be ridiculous.
So this is day one. I didn’t even cheat (though I wanted to). And working in a restaurant will make this actually easier because I won’t have to go and buy, say, my serving of fruit with my lunch. I’ll just ask for some mandarin oranges, or a side of veggies, or a whole wheat role. And I won’t have to buy salad mix, I’ll just eat there (modified a bit).
Okay, this is my diet blog. Once a week I will update on my weight. So, next Tuesday If it goes up, I’ll be embarrassed, but I’ll still be honest about it. But, spending 300 dollars on a dieting plan means I better see results, which means I better stick with it.