Break down

Watching my friends go through an awful time in their lives, full of babies and pending divorce, arrests and the undeniable truth that their real problem stems from a real lack of love, I am grateful for all I have avoided. I have never been pregnant, forced to marry or stuck in a relationship that I was tied to. If ever I needed to leave, I could without fear of any strings tying me to them forever.

I’ve been reading the Bible a lot, along with Navigating Route 20 Something… yes, it’s basically a self help book. Which is fine, because I need help! I have learned a few things:

  • I do not understand what love is. My view of it is selfish and one that makes it seem as if that other person needs to fulfill me.
  • I don’t know myself, and the only way I will learn more about myself is to know myself through God. I can’t stand on my own two feet unless those feet are supported by Him.
  • Having a fear of God means to know there is nothing to fear other than God, and therefore it is wise to walk with Him, because then you have nothing to fear. To walk away from him is unwise because you will no longer have his protection or resources to succeed, and thus you should fear because walking without him is walking toward destruction.
  • I need to be humbled
  • I am free to accept God’s forgiveness because he already paid the price of it. Thus, I shouldn’t live in regret over my awful decision making skills, because he forgives me the first time I ask.
  • The Sabbath is still important
  • As long as I am earnestly seeking God and His wisdom, and as long as I earnestly try to live a life that will make Him proud, I will be safe and taken care of. That doesn’t mean I will be rich and have an abundance of material things, but I will be rich in spirit and happy and at peace and have an abundance of joy.
  • It is important to really think before praying, because I do not want to see God as a vending machine. Rather, I selectively try to choose what to ask for, and I am more satisfied with these prayers because they are real, and not neurotic fear prompted prayers. I have learned to have faith in God to take care of the small things like he always has, and I will carefully pray for the things I find to be very important.
  • Also, it is important to pray for others. Those prayers may be especially loud to God even, because they are not selfish prayers but honest ones.
  • Don’t look to God only searching to feel better, like he’s Aspirin. Rather, pray and then be content in knowing he heard. Let that comfort you. Sometimes it takes a while for God to show himself, and sometimes this silence is what’s important.

Anyway, these are some of the things I’ve learned, along with the fact that God really does love ME. He is not a dictator or an angry God, but He does discipline. Yet, on the same hand, He loves me and wants to be in my life and wants me to be happy and have a fulfilling life and finds joy in my joy! He wants to give me forgiveness and health and happy times here. He wants to do all this because He’s in love with me. Which shows me one last thing..

  • Boyfriends have let me down, they have come and gone, made promises and broken them or forgotten about them. But God is in love with me and will not go anywhere, He will not break any of his promises or forget them. He is that great love story that I’ve been looking for. And one day, I will find my great love here on Earth. But until I can meet that guy, I need to grow spiritually. Only then will he be what I want, because only then will I be equally yoked with him. It’s exciting to know I have someone out there for me somewhere. But I will work on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Then, one day, I’ll be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready to handle a relationship with whoever it is that God brings into my life.

Okay, that all sounds so preachy and church girlish. It sounds like the kind of stuff that makes me 1) hate church 2) HATE church girls and 3) HATE HATE cheesy youth group leaders who use bad christianese. However, these are just things I’ve learned in the past two months since Joe and I ended and I started focusing on God again. So, it’s not hokey and cheesey. It’s 100% real.

Anyway, the last thing on my mind is relationships. The first thing is to continue working on myself, so that I can be someone He is proud of.


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