Sometimes I need to remind myself that it hasn’t even been two months yet and that my heart isn’t healed. When I wake up feeling sad, or like today when I feel like I really just want to release through crying (though I can’t actually cry), I’m humbled. It’s been a month and a half. I did love him. I’m not completely comfortable yet having him out of my life. I could write about how well I’ve been doing. How fun Wednesday night was. How I met a cute boy, and it was just a confidence booster having someone take my number. I could say that Maureen’s boyfriend has a friend who is very interested in getting to know me better. Who thinks I am very pretty and cool. I could say that I’ve been having fun with my friends, I’ve started growing in my relationship with God, I’ve been happy and have had peace in my heart. I could say how a week or two ago I was sitting outside and felt completely over Joe. And how grateful I was for that.
But today, I am saying that my heart still hurts a little right now. I talked to Shannon the other day and had a dream last night that I was with him. He kissed me and we both looked at eachother. We both said we couldn’t do this, him because of Ashley and me because of Joe. I don’t know if I was dating Joe in my dream or not. But Shannon said how he was sorry about Joe and in my dream I started crying, but I didn’t want him to see. That seems accurate. I might not be ready to date again yet, that’s fine. When people ask about Joe, I say whatever I say, but inside it still hurts sometimes. I just don’t want anyone to know that it still hurts. I don’t even think he hurts over me, but rather he just hurts because his life isn’t where he wants it exactly. He’s possibly sad over the loss of a relationship, but I don’t know if it’s actually the loss of me. I am going back to the movie Adaptation, where Nick Cage says that just being in love is enough, and if it isn’t reciprocated it doesn’t make it any less valid. Whether or not he loved me doesn’t mean my love was any less valid. I don’t even know if we really loved eachother, I didn’t know when it first ended. I wondered if I was in love a lot of the time, but in retrospect.. the blurred, numb retrospect that covers the lens of what a relationship was with plastic wraps makes it appear that I did love him. I think I did. Part of me probably still loves him. This officially is my dumb break up blog. Apparently. I don’t write in here often, only when I’m feeling really weird about it and need to write. The less I write about it, the better I’m probably doing.
But Wednesday night, I was out with your friends and I had a great time. And you could have been there and it woulnd’t have been awkward. It would have been fun. I miss him sometimes because I did lose a best friend. Last summer we started a friendship that took different turns, but I miss that friendship. I miss having fun with you.