I took a journey to the past and while I was there, I stopped for one moment. I asked myself, “Pretend you are here, this is your life. Is this what you would want?”
Suddenly I was plagued with what I had been plagued with during the actual relationship. Feelings that there was more, something else, someone else.. all I was missing. I was cured that night, you see.. cured of the last remaining remnants of nostalgia and confusion. Suddenly I am aware of my future, and I am suddenly free of the past. I can move on because there is nothing to hold on to anymore. All those yesterdays are gone for a reason. I guess, in the simplest of terms I can say that I walked through yesterday and realized I would rather spend time gazing unknowingly into my future than to ever go back there again. I am over that part of my life. Happily so.
Part of me is upset that I had to go back there in order to realize how right this is, but good came from it. I always have to learn the huge lessons the hard way. And though I am so upset for letting God down, I am also happy it is over. I would not, if given the chance to go back in time, do it the same way. I would say no. But regret will only cause me to live longer in my past, and I refuse to do that. I just don’t want to be with him ever again. And, more importantly, I no longer feel as if I belong to him. I belong to me. I belong to God. That’s it. I am ready to take myself one step further. I am a step away from that sadness I was in before. I am finally free again.
It’s just.. I was there, in his arms.. and though it was comfortable and I felt good, even happy.. it was only because it was comfortable. There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death (proverbs 16:25). It was easy to lay there with him, but easy is not what I want my life to be. And I refuse to sell myself short again. I deserve more. So the next day, as it set in, I realized that I want no more of that life. Really.. I genuinely regret(ted) it.
Today, life was different. I regret that, but I’m new. I’m not tied to anything from my past. I really just hope that I don’t fall back into it.
Today, I gave my number to that guy who comes in sometimes to the bar. I don’t really have any feelings for him, but he seems nice. He’s come in a few times, I’ve been waiting for him to ask.. and today he did. So I gave it to him. Tomorrow is so uncertain but it is so much better than yesterday.