A Secret

So, I can’t tell this to anyone. Not even my own sister. Not my friends. Everyone would be ‘so disappointed’ or look at me differently. Judgingly. As if my word means nothing and I’m not strong. Maybe that is true, but I doubt it.

Last night I went to Escondido’s and got far too drunk. Threw up outside type drunk. Horribly embarrassing, in retrospect. At that moment, not so much. Tony held my hair. Joe was there. We decided to hang out so after Brittany picked me up I snuck out, much to her disapproval, and went to Joe’s. Spent the night together again, like we did ONLY TEN DAYS AGO. But, we were more friends this time. We were able to talk more. Chance at a friendship? Possible. But we really need to work on only being friends.

I have a hickey on my neck. What am I 16? You see, with all the strides I make, I’m still sinful by nature and am constantly messing up. Fortunately, God is constantly forgiving. And I am sorry. For lying, for leaving, for not being stronger.
I’m especially sorry I drank so much. I just wish I could remember our conversation last night a little better.

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Be my eyes, because I am blind

So, I had recently declared to God that I was going to follow my ambition and apply to schools in order to major in film editing. I have wanted to edit film for a few years now and had told God that if by this passed May I still wanted to do this, I would take that as a sign from him to go forward in it. Since a year and  months later I still was interested, I thought that this was my plan.

Since then, my desire for film editing has dwindled immensely. However, I am not sure if this is because God is stepping in and saying, “Okay you stepped out in faith and now I am going to give you an inch of direction, don’t go that way.”  Or if I am just scared of this path. Now, I’m utterly confused. If not film, what to major in? I have to decide like NOW because I will be finished with my associates this fall and have to apply as soon as possible in order to continue somewhere else in the Spring. I need to make a decision. But, I’m not sure. I’m confused. Yet, after reading Jason Wheble’s info, I have been reminded that I need to walk in faith, even if I don’t know where I’m going. I am not walking alone, and God’s plan isn’t any less real just because I can’t quite see it. So, perhaps I will apply to both schools with film programs and schools with other programs I am interested in. After being accepted, I will see what options are in front of me and move forward from there.

I just need to remember that whether I see it or not, whether I understand it or not, God still has a plan for me. And if I walk faithfully and have faith in Him in every aspect of my life, He will steer me in the right direction. I just need faith really.

Tonight I’m going to Escondido’s with Kari. I really hope she doesn’t back out, though I’m sure she won’t. It’s like the last big hoorah before school starts, though I could technically go next week too. Unfortunately my mom made a doctor’s appointment for me tomorrow at 9:45 AM. I was calling today to make an appointment but she beat me to it. I’m going to be very exhausted tomorrow. Maybe I just won’t drink that much…

I don’t write in here, and when I do, it’s pointless jabber. That’s what this is for. But this is what I wrote in my other journal, because this is whats been going on lately.

Watching my friends go through an awful time in their lives, full of babies and pending divorce, arrests and the undeniable truth that their real problem stems from a real lack of love, I am grateful for all I have avoided. I have never been pregnant, forced to marry or stuck in a relationship that I was tied to. If ever I needed to leave, I could without fear of any strings tying me to them forever.

I’ve been reading the Bible a lot, along with Navigating Route 20 Something… yes, it’s basically a self help book. Which is fine, because I need help! I have learned a few things:

  • I do not understand what love is. My view of it is selfish and one that makes it seem as if that other person needs to fulfill me.
  • I don’t know myself, and the only way I will learn more about myself is to know myself through God. I can’t stand on my own two feet unless those feet are supported by Him.
  • Having a fear of God means to know there is nothing to fear other than God, and therefore it is wise to walk with Him, because then you have nothing to fear. To walk away from him is unwise because you will no longer have his protection or resources to succeed, and thus you should fear because walking without him is walking toward destruction.
  • I need to be humbled
  • I am free to accept God’s forgiveness because he already paid the price of it. Thus, I shouldn’t live in regret over my awful decision making skills, because he forgives me the first time I ask.
  • The Sabbath is still important
  • As long as I am earnestly seeking God and His wisdom, and as long as I earnestly try to live a life that will make Him proud, I will be safe and taken care of. That doesn’t mean I will be rich and have an abundance of material things, but I will be rich in spirit and happy and at peace and have an abundance of joy.
  • It is important to really think before praying, because I do not want to see God as a vending machine. Rather, I selectively try to choose what to ask for, and I am more satisfied with these prayers because they are real, and not neurotic fear prompted prayers. I have learned to have faith in God to take care of the small things like he always has, and I will carefully pray for the things I find to be very important.
  • Also, it is important to pray for others. Those prayers may be especially loud to God even, because they are not selfish prayers but honest ones.
  • Don’t look to God only searching to feel better, like he’s Aspirin. Rather, pray and then be content in knowing he heard. Let that comfort you. Sometimes it takes a while for God to show himself, and sometimes this silence is what’s important.

Anyway, these are some of the things I’ve learned, along with the fact that God really does love ME. He is not a dictator or an angry God, but He does discipline. Yet, on the same hand, He loves me and wants to be in my life and wants me to be happy and have a fulfilling life and finds joy in my joy! He wants to give me forgiveness and health and happy times here. He wants to do all this because He’s in love with me. Which shows me one last thing..

  • Boyfriends have let me down, they have come and gone, made promises and broken them or forgotten about them. But God is in love with me and will not go anywhere, He will not break any of his promises or forget them. He is that great love story that I’ve been looking for. And one day, I will find my great love here on Earth. But until I can meet that guy, I need to grow spiritually. Only then will he be what I want, because only then will I be equally yoked with him. It’s exciting to know I have someone out there for me somewhere. But I will work on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Then, one day, I’ll be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready to handle a relationship with whoever it is that God brings into my life.

Okay, that all sounds so preachy and church girlish. It sounds like the kind of stuff that makes me 1) hate church 2) HATE church girls and 3) HATE HATE cheesy youth group leaders who use bad christianese. However, these are just things I’ve learned in the past two months since Joe and I ended and I started focusing on God again. So, it’s not hokey and cheesey. It’s 100% real.

Anyway, the last thing on my mind is relationships. The first thing is to continue working on myself, so that I can be someone He is proud of.

Reality Bites Back

It is one o’clock in the afternoon and I am still in my pajamas. I don’t have to go to work until 4:30 and thus I have three and a half hours to kill. I woke up at ten and went back to bed because there was no reason for me to be up yet. I woke up again at 11 and went back to bed again because there was still no reason to be awake. I finally got out of bed at twelve thirty. My mom asked what reason was there to be up now that didn’t exist at eleven or ten. I told her that now I could eat lunch. That’s laziness. But, I’m kind of okay with it. I work five days a week, and tomorrow is going to suck. I have a meeting at work at 7:00 am! Who does that. And I have to be dressed well for it because our bosses’ bosses will be there. It lets out at ten, then I’ll go home shower and go to church. I know, that shouldn’t suck, but I can just see myself being in such a bad mood. I’ll have to shake that off, for Brittany’s sake. She’ll be the one driving with me.

Soon school will start again and I will begin my mad dash to graduate before I’m any older. I’ll be 22 next month. I don’t want to be graduating at 24. That just sounds so damn awful to me. Regardless, I will appreciate this time now where I can sleep until 12:30 and lazily spend my day wandering around until work because soon I’ll have classes to think about as well, not to mention the idea of transferring somewhere. That reminds me, I want to go to Yahoo Answers and see if anyone has any advice on where to go for film around here.

I can easily stress myself out.

Break down

Watching my friends go through an awful time in their lives, full of babies and pending divorce, arrests and the undeniable truth that their real problem stems from a real lack of love, I am grateful for all I have avoided. I have never been pregnant, forced to marry or stuck in a relationship that I was tied to. If ever I needed to leave, I could without fear of any strings tying me to them forever.

I’ve been reading the Bible a lot, along with Navigating Route 20 Something… yes, it’s basically a self help book. Which is fine, because I need help! I have learned a few things:

  • I do not understand what love is. My view of it is selfish and one that makes it seem as if that other person needs to fulfill me.
  • I don’t know myself, and the only way I will learn more about myself is to know myself through God. I can’t stand on my own two feet unless those feet are supported by Him.
  • Having a fear of God means to know there is nothing to fear other than God, and therefore it is wise to walk with Him, because then you have nothing to fear. To walk away from him is unwise because you will no longer have his protection or resources to succeed, and thus you should fear because walking without him is walking toward destruction.
  • I need to be humbled
  • I am free to accept God’s forgiveness because he already paid the price of it. Thus, I shouldn’t live in regret over my awful decision making skills, because he forgives me the first time I ask.
  • The Sabbath is still important
  • As long as I am earnestly seeking God and His wisdom, and as long as I earnestly try to live a life that will make Him proud, I will be safe and taken care of. That doesn’t mean I will be rich and have an abundance of material things, but I will be rich in spirit and happy and at peace and have an abundance of joy.
  • It is important to really think before praying, because I do not want to see God as a vending machine. Rather, I selectively try to choose what to ask for, and I am more satisfied with these prayers because they are real, and not neurotic fear prompted prayers. I have learned to have faith in God to take care of the small things like he always has, and I will carefully pray for the things I find to be very important.
  • Also, it is important to pray for others. Those prayers may be especially loud to God even, because they are not selfish prayers but honest ones.
  • Don’t look to God only searching to feel better, like he’s Aspirin. Rather, pray and then be content in knowing he heard. Let that comfort you. Sometimes it takes a while for God to show himself, and sometimes this silence is what’s important.

Anyway, these are some of the things I’ve learned, along with the fact that God really does love ME. He is not a dictator or an angry God, but He does discipline. Yet, on the same hand, He loves me and wants to be in my life and wants me to be happy and have a fulfilling life and finds joy in my joy! He wants to give me forgiveness and health and happy times here. He wants to do all this because He’s in love with me. Which shows me one last thing..

  • Boyfriends have let me down, they have come and gone, made promises and broken them or forgotten about them. But God is in love with me and will not go anywhere, He will not break any of his promises or forget them. He is that great love story that I’ve been looking for. And one day, I will find my great love here on Earth. But until I can meet that guy, I need to grow spiritually. Only then will he be what I want, because only then will I be equally yoked with him. It’s exciting to know I have someone out there for me somewhere. But I will work on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Then, one day, I’ll be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready to handle a relationship with whoever it is that God brings into my life.

Okay, that all sounds so preachy and church girlish. It sounds like the kind of stuff that makes me 1) hate church 2) HATE church girls and 3) HATE HATE cheesy youth group leaders who use bad christianese. However, these are just things I’ve learned in the past two months since Joe and I ended and I started focusing on God again. So, it’s not hokey and cheesey. It’s 100% real.

Anyway, the last thing on my mind is relationships. The first thing is to continue working on myself, so that I can be someone He is proud of.

Lessons

I took a journey to the past and while I was there, I stopped for one moment. I asked myself, “Pretend you are here, this is your life. Is this what you would want?”

Suddenly I was plagued with what I had been plagued with during the actual relationship. Feelings that there was more, something else, someone else.. all I was missing. I was cured that night, you see.. cured of the last remaining remnants of nostalgia and confusion. Suddenly I am aware of my future, and I am suddenly free of the past. I can move on because there is nothing to hold on to anymore. All those yesterdays are gone for a reason. I guess, in the simplest of terms I can say that I walked through yesterday and realized I would rather spend time gazing unknowingly into my future than to ever go back there again. I am over that part of my life. Happily so.

Part of me is upset that I had to go back there in order to realize how right this is, but good came from it. I always have to learn the huge lessons the hard way. And though I am so upset for letting God down, I am also happy it is over. I would not, if given the chance to go back in time, do it the same way. I would say no. But regret will only cause me to live longer in my past, and I refuse to do that. I just don’t want to be with him ever again. And, more importantly, I no longer feel as if I belong to him. I belong to me. I belong to God. That’s it. I am ready to take myself one step further. I am a step away from that sadness I was in before. I am finally free again.

It’s just.. I was there, in his arms.. and though it was comfortable and I felt good, even happy.. it was only because it was comfortable. There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death (proverbs 16:25). It was easy to lay there with him, but easy is not what I want my life to be. And I refuse to sell myself short again. I deserve more. So the next day, as it set in, I realized that I want no more of that life.  Really.. I genuinely regret(ted) it.

Today, life was different. I regret that, but I’m new. I’m not tied to anything from my past. I really just hope that I don’t fall back into it.

Today, I gave my number to that guy who comes in sometimes to the bar. I don’t really have any feelings for him, but he seems nice. He’s come in a few times, I’ve been waiting for him to ask.. and today he did. So I gave it to him. Tomorrow is so uncertain but it is so much better than yesterday.