I.. felt… beautiful? No, that’s not it.

My issues are nothing other than the usual purging of ideas and thoughts the mind goes through when entering change, or going through transition. Everything the mind believed or clung to must now be purged, and therefore those thoughts are coming to the surface as they are on their way out. But before they can be thrown out completely, you must acknowledge them, like a computer asking “are you sure you want to delete this” before you can completely send a file into the trash. So, I am sifting through different ideals I had had in order to purge them forever. That’s why it seems bipolar to me, because I don’t actually feel these emotions, but they have to be acknowledged. I’m understanding it more now, because I knew I shouldn’t be this upset.. and then I realized I was upset he could ever leave me. In other words, it’s a pride thing.. not a him thing. I realized this when it first happened, and I keep that in mind if I feel angry or sad. Why am I really upset? Oh.. because I hold myself on a pedestal and how dare anyone not appreciate that. That’s just the truth.

this is a ‘secret’ place for me because these types of rants would make him think I want to be with him.. and I don’t. But I have to look at a relationship and really understand it before I can completely leave it behind. I think he is more prone to run from it and that isn’t healthy. It was something, though what it was is unclear.. I’m still unsure whether or not I ever was in love or if I just loved.. but anyway everything in my life is important and as soon as I find the importance I can leave it. I refuse to let anything be a waste of time. So I need to find its significance.. the problem is.. I can’t! This shows a lot that I’ve been pretending wasn’t there.. so I need to acknowledge it now.

I had been lying forever. In December I wanted to end it but felt bad about Christmas. In February I wanted to but didn’t, and after Valentine’s Day I told him I felt unsure. In January I think I was maybe okay, in March I was unsure and didn’t see any future in it until Joe told me he was uncertain too. Then I got prideful and started trying. During these months I was telling Maureen every other week.. we need to end, no we’re fine.. I’m not into it.. I’m happy. ALL THE TIME.  By April I was completely annoyed at him, and he was starting to finally change into my state of mind. In May I felt like we were in a huge rut, in June I cried to Brittany telling her that I know we should break up, I just can’t do it because I’d feel bad.

I wanted this, I just ignored it. I don’t know why really. The truth is, the entire time we were together I don’t believe there was ever a moment where one of us wasn’t doubting.

So, why do I care? I’m kind of pissed I did that to myself, it’s weird I stayed in it for so long. I don’t want to do that again. That’s it.


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