so you say..

Well hello. So this journal is to be kept solely on the basis that I’ve been keeping it for so long. Through whatever I’ve been through.. all those things that were ‘so important’. But I dont want to demean their importance because at that time that was my life. And the fact that everything seems so much less important now is just evidence of good decisions, Godly intervention and the ability to move on. I’ve grown passed those things and can no longer relate to them. The only barometer I have to indicate how emotionally tolling things were is by reading this journal. All those candid late night posts allow me to look into the past and re-realize where I’ve come from. Even the things that may bother me today will one day be situations I have to read about in order to remember. That’s kind of deterring because I like raw emotion. Being angry or sad is awful during it, but it gives you an insight into your soul. It changes the way your mind works. It’s pure inspiration. It’s when I write best.

I have been writing a lot more lately, but they’ve been internal dialogue at best. Thoughts feelings wonderings and such. Which isn’t bad, because I needed to reconnect with that part of me anyway. A no holds bar type of standard on my feelings. I’ve always enjoyed the fact that I am emotional. I’d allow myself to think emotionally and be upset even though I rationally knew it wasn’t worth it because I didn’t want to deny myself the feelings that were there regardless. If I at least allowed myself to say them out loud or write about them I could then work them out. Now, I did those alone. I don’t even speak to people solely out of emotion because it’s not for them to know. Those are thoughts and feelings I can have to myself and work through myself. This is how I became the person I am. I never neglect feelings or pass them to the side because they are mine, regardless of how irrational they are. This is coming out weirded than I am meaning for it to. Regardless, I am writing again and will get back to short stories soon. And I plan on doing at least one more open mic.. but I havent written anything good like that in  a while. My heads been in a different place the past few months. A different place thats releases different kinds of writing. Like creative writing was more my forte recently, not angry vents about society or what not. But now I’m in a place where I don’t know what to write. I’m not so angry or depressed that I can write beautifully sad stories like I have been in the passed. I’m not so triggered by corruption that I can write political or life inspiring pieces. I’m not so optimistic that I can write upbeat and silverly lined stories of finding inner beauty in otherwise mundane lives. I do want to write about regular people and regular lives experiencing the types of things that cause us to go into a tailspin. But I don’t have much motivation for those either. And poetry.. I’ve very out of the loop with my poetry. But, a sestina has a way of bringing me back, as it unfolds before your eyes and goes places you can’t really plan. So maybe I’ll write a sestina.. like The Sestina of a Sparrow Landed. That spoke to me so much and is one of my favorites pieces. I was in transition then.. or was about to be in transition actually. It brought me forward.

Im so grateful for writing because it truly is MY art form. I have to reconnect with it because it’s like my constant. When I get lost up in my head, it’s the one thing I can certainly relate to and the one thing that reminds me of me. I love being reminded of who I am, because though my surroundings change, internally I am the same. And nothing can change that, nothing has..and I love the very real person that I so often forget about

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by the way this is how I used to dress all the time. click on it to enlarge

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