I saw an old flame today, Kenny, at wawa. I was at the cash register and was carded. This kid behind me started laughing and I turned to see who was laughing, thinking it was some jerk. It wasn’t a jerk, but it was absolutely unexpected, like all our chance encounters since highschool. We were talking and he showed me pictures of his daughter. His trophy as he called her, the one thing he has to really be proud of. He told me how he’s still engaged but only because he has to try for his daughter. In all honesty, he said they fight a lot and he’s not really ready for the commitment. Then we went outside where I met his fiance, and I did a good job. Saying how I knew him and it’s so great to meet her, how beautiful their daughter was. I followed the rule that you talk to the woman more than the guy, and you make eye contact. As I was saying goodbye and walking away he followed me and hugged me three times, holding on a little too long. He said he doesn’t have my number anymore because his fiance obviously didnt want him keeping the numbers of girls he used to know. But he said he knows where I live still and asked if he could bring his daughter over one day. I told him I’d love to meet her and he was genuinely taken aback. He said how great it was to see me.. and he really meant it. It was sad, because I know what he was thinking. But I still love it when we run into eachother. That whole forbidden love thing that never happened. He’s a sweet guy who just needs a chance at making it. He never got that chance. Anyway, I told him to come to Chili’s with the family so I could meet his daughter then with his fiance there. Instead of some rendezvous at my house.
I can remember that all I ever wanted was to kiss him. So awful. He was friends with Ryan, my highschool boyfriend, and after we broke up Kenny would stop by a lot with John Ganley. I remember once I was in my pajamas and went downstairs to get a drink when he knocked on my window. I screamed, then saw who it was and ran upstairs and changed. I remember we wrestled once and our faces were less than an inch from eachother, and he went to kiss me and I turned my head. I remember showing him pictures in the hallway. I remember him waiting outside of homeroom for me every day. The memories are cute, but it’s so strange what happens to people. When they ‘grow up’ or are forced to at least try.
Moving on, today was great. Went to my dads softball game and then got dinner with him. We talked forever over a few beers. I love that man.
If this were a puzzle, it would finally begin looking like something. There’d be a lot more pieces scattered around, but over in the corner, I’d be able to make out a tree, or a flower. Or the face of a dog.
I’ve realized, just now, that I have been searching for a message from you. Searching, relentlessly, everyday. But I’m probably not going to ever find one. It’s just force of habit I suppose..
Also, the post that has had the most hits had the caption that I was alone again. There’s a lot of lonely people out there, and they all connect, one way or another.
So Matt brought this guy in yesterday. He wanted us to meet, and though I am the most awkward person probably in the entire world, this guy still thought I was cool and ‘hot’. And the truth is, I don’t care. I so don’t want to date ever again. I simply put it as my heart is hibernating. It’s not completely shattered or broken, maybe it’s a little tattered on the sides like how the bottoms of a pair of jeans that are too long for you would end up looking after being dragged on the floor all that time.
in other news, I have no other news. I’m going to Chicago soon, which will be a nice trip. I need to leave New Jersey at least once every summer. But, that restless feeling that I have to leave has passed for now. I think you can be content almost anywhere, and it all has to do with being content with yourself. So, though I desperately want to travel oneday and leave here for a while, for today I am content. As my dad says, sometimes the storm is in the boat. Meaning, no matter where you go to, your troubles will still be there, because they are your own.. not the work of your surroundings. I don’t know, but I’m not going to be miserable here. And you shouldn’t be either.
Sunday Britt and I took a drive through Glendola, and seemed to drive right into a nice little sunshower. Afterwards we were able to see a rainbow form, which is the second rainbow I’ve seen this summer.. and probably only the third I’ve seen my whole life. It was a little reminder of hope and promises. Afterwards, since Glendola was inspired by Rilo Kiley’s song Glendora, I really had no idea where we were going and ended up in Avon of course. The shore is awful during peak season so we continued to look elsewhere for something to do. Really it was an excuse to drive around for hours. Later, renting movies and watching them I realized I like my local blockbuster a lot and I think they are getting to know me over there. Which is good.. because I like being a local. If I’m going to live somewhere, I might as well really live there. Being a local at first gave me a feeling like I was saying something really really bad, but then I realized that everyone who doesn’t want to be a local here has 1) lived here longer than me and 2) is still living here but 3) resenting it which doesn’t make your life any better. I think there is truly beauty everywhere, you just need to look for it.
Anyway, I hit a milestone in my bank account yesterday, and I am ex-ci-ted. Things are coming together. My cousin’s bridal shower is this coming weekend and my Aunt Cheryl (she is absolutely awesome) is staying with us. I remember right before I went to highschool she was in town and I was saying that all the girls were going to have DD’s and no one would like me because I didn’t have double D’s. Who would have predicted that by the end of high school I’d have just that. Ha. Anyway.. rollerblading yesterday and work were good. I’m pretty happy and my customers are really starting to notice. I’ve started getting, from this week, regulars. One person told me that my energy and postive spirit really show through me and to keep that. She also told me not to get married for a long time, and I told her that won’t be a problem. She then went through a list of different attributes a husband MUST have (or must NOT have):
2) doesn’t drink to excess or do drugs
3)doesn’t have an anger problem
.. I can’t remember the rest.. probably honesty or something cliche. Regardless, I like talking to strangers because they are always interesting. I’d like to collect bits of wisdom from them and compile it in a book. Maybe something titled around the idea that they gave me Tips of Wisdom and that was valuable.. haha, that sounds horrid. Anyway, I guess that’s all for now.