Alone again.

It has been just over two months since I last updated this. Two months and ten days after that initial post Joe and I broke up. So, ten days later and I have texted him once. This was a mistake, a dumb, idiotic mistake. I don’t even want to speak with him or see him, but the fact that he hasn’t contacted me was a lot to handle at 4:30 in the morning after hours of drinking. I lay in that bed, Maureen’s, all alone and listening to my friends having a good time down stairs and I just felt.. I felt like I needed to get it out of my system. As if I knew I was going to do it eventually. The sooner I did it, the sooner I’d get it out of my system. And it worked, I don’t for the life of me wish to text him again. I also knew that the chances of him texting back were slim. If I really wanted to talk to him I would have waited until the next morning. But alas, it had nothing to do with actually speaking to him and everything to do with just allowing myself to finish up with the forbidden.

So here I stand, once again, alone. Not a soul in this world to make my heart leap, nothing to cure me, no one to adore me. Last time I was alone, before Joe, before Shannon even.. the last time I was truly alone I felt fulfilled. But that didn’t happen by chance. It took a lot of hard work to get over Jon and find a meaningful existence with myself. I mourn the loss of that existence because I was never as happy as I was when I was content in my own skin. Now I don’t like to be alone, I don’t find comfort in it like I had. Back then, I cherished driving to Red Bank or writing outside. Now all I can think is, “What’ll I do alone in Red Bank” and “I don’t want to drive out there.” But perhaps a day out there would be good for me. I could shop a little at Funk and Standard, spend too much money on CD’s from Jacks.. perhaps if I’m feeling adventurous I’ll wander into Secret Stash. Even grab a beer at the Dublin House and read a book. I need to read a good book. I want to find the cleansing effect of alone time again, I want to feel enriched in my solitude. I remember that when I felt this way.. disconnected, concerned or confused.. all I had to do was sit outside, smoke a cigarette, and talk out loud to myself. I would say, “You learn so much when talking with yourself. You come across realizations you didn’t have before.” I’d always walk away feeling better, and clear minded. But I’m all out of cigarettes. Besides, I already know this is for the better. I had said it myself a countless amount of times. I KNEW we should break up and almost felt relieved that it was finally there. But it’s still a loss, and I’m still saddened by it. I still am breaking the habit of him and am still being reacquainted with myself. I do wonder though, since I for so long was lying through my teeth sort of speak by staying in something I knew was probably wrong.. how long was he lying for? Or, was it ever really genuine.. ever? Or was there always one of us doubting?

The answers aren’t important at all. Just as I don’t care to know whether or not I ever truly was in love with him. The final product is this: I have learned.. loved of course (at whatever degree), and in the end I did not lose.. I simply went forward from it. I am now going forward. I just don’t know to where.

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