“I know now that I’m an addict, but I don’t know what’s wrong with that. It just feels so amazing. As if I can fly and like my heart is floating and my stomach is dancing. I swear my face has a glow to it in the beginning. All I can do is smile. Everyone knows something is up, but I don’t care. I don’t care to such an extent that I’d tell everyone, and have. But that feeling fades, and as time goes on it gets harder and harder to achieve it. That’s why I switch from one to another so often. I just want that feeling, and when it fades away, I’ll do anything to get it back.
The first time I really fell into it was when I was around fifteen I guess. I mean, I had had short encounters before but more so I had just heard of the high. But when I was fifteen I met this boy in school who introduced me to what would become my drug of choice. It was exciting and fun, honestly amazing. I thought my life had found it’s purpose. He was everything to me, and the feeling that came with that was breath taking. But after a few months, that feeling left, along with him. I remained nothing but a discarded empty shell of my former self. It took months to get back to a healthy mental state, but once I did, I realized I hadn’t be devastated by him leaving, but by the loss of the feeling. It was then that I started to go on weekly dates with different guys from around town. Someone new every weekend or so guaranteed that we wouldn’t lose that high, nervous, dancing on clouds type of feeling. I’d go out with them a few times, but once it started to get serious or comfortable, I’d leave. No harm done. I wasn’t with them long enough for them to care or for me to get hurt. Just long enough to really savor the feeling of being wanted and being infatuated.
When I left high school and entered college my addiction started to get out of control as I entered a world of constant parties. It was as if everywhere I turned there was a house full of new people to meet, and new guys to fall infatuation with. I would get a huge dose of butterflies constantly, almost every night. I could get that high feeling five times at just one party, and then leave and get some more at another house. So, that’s what I did every day. I would go from party to party just looking for a fix, and I knew that my supply would absolutely never run out. By then, I was completely hooked. My grades started to severely suffer and my relationships started to fall apart. My friends complained of never seeing me and my family said I seemed distant. But they couldn’t understand. I needed that feeling, and if they knew what I was doing they’d call me crazy. They probably would have made me come home and go to a community college. Worst of all, they’d think I was desperate. They could never understand that I was immersing myself with love, or at least the feeling that people often confuse with love. Therefore, I was the luckiest girl in the world and they would be nothing but jealous of me if I told them.
As semesters came and went my addiction started to reveal itself in my appearance. I had circles under my eyes, phone numbers scribbled on my hands and hickeys on my neck. I started sleeping all day, going out only at night, and I was losing a lot of weight. If you sleep all day and then go out at night, you only really have time for one meal. My roommates started to talk amongst themselves about where Iwas going and what I was doing all the time. So they followed me one night to eight different parties. When I left to go to the ninth,they grabbed me and forced me into the car. I started screaming because I wanted some more. I needed to feel like the prettiest girl in the room who just met her prince charming. I wanted to look into someones eyes and choose to believe what they told me. I needed to go outside and talk confidentially with someone, as if we were all that mattered in this world. I was kicking the back of my friends driver seat when her arm jerked and caused the car to spin out of control. We smashed into a tree and were nothing but lucky to live through it. As soon as I was released from the hospital, my parents grabbed me and sent me here. I know you’re going to try and make me live a different life, but I’ve been hooked for so long that I just don’t know how to live any other way. And honestly, when I think about living without constant butterflies in your stomach, without feeling like you’re on top of the world, without feeling like you’re beautiful and blessed and lucky, I can’t help but wonder what the point is.”
“Actual love is the point. You may move passsed the feeling of constant butterflies but you do have the comfort of knowing that you don’t need an artificial high to ensure your knowledge of the fact that they want you. When you’re actually in love, you know the feeling isn’t gone, you’ve simply gotten used to it. When I think of a life where you get that feeling in short bursts from people you don’t even know instead of having it all the time with one person whom you know better than anyone else in the world, I can’t help but wonder what the point is. And in time, you’ll wonder too.”