I am pleasantly surprised to see that I am so mentally stable these days. I am proud of myself for being able to put things into perspective and to, regardless of my circumstances, walk with a free heart and clear mind. School is coming to an end and I have a lot of loose ends to tie up and a few major finals to study for. My living situation in six months is unclear and I may very possibly move to Florida and leave the state I’ve loved (and hated) for the past 21 years. My relationship with Joe is currently on pause as I figure out what I want to do, and more importantly, what God wants from me. My friendships are all testing me right now as I question what friends I actually have. Yet still, I am happy. I truly am. I know that everything continues to make sense and be just fine, just as it always has. To see where I have gone and what I have come out of is now a huge part of my testimony and really, it is a great example to me of my own inner strength. A strength I sometimes forget I possess. A strength that is undoubtedly one of my best attributes. A strength that I can’t take credit for. It’s something I can rely on when looking forward. I can’t imagine how many trials I will face as my life goes on, I’m sure it’s a countless amount, but I do know I’ll be okay and get through all of them. Honestly and I know I say it often in here but the girl I was when I went to Lee is not the same girl I am now. If I were to break up with Jon today it would go so differently than it went then. But going through that has taught me an enormous amount and I can now spot the red flags that I didn’t see then. Now, when things begin to unfold I see it and acknowledge its toxicity. I am no longer blinded by my own desires and I don’t hide under a false veil of optimism and for that I am grateful.
Monday marks the end of my semester and I won’t say it can’t come soon enough because it’s coming quite fast already. But I can say I’m excited for this summer and regardless of anything I am still going to be hiking and fishing and roller blading… loving this life I am blessed to have. With the friends I do cherish. With the sister I am too fortunate to have. With the family that I enjoy being with. With whoever it is God places in my life. Last summer was fun, but this summer will be beneficial.
I realized yesterday that my mom is a humble servant. That’s why she always questions herself. She doesn’t see the good she does or realize her huge impact. Instead she always thinks she can do better. She reminds me of an apostle honestly. To give your whole life and feel it isn’t enough. She makes me want to humble myself as well. To strive for the top and then give more. To do what I am called to do and not just what is easiest.
I’m not ‘excited!!!’ for the future. I am prepared though.