Played in the benefit poker tournament on Sunday and was 5th out, out of 90 players. So, I then had a lot of time to hang out and ended up drinking a liiitttlllee too much. As in way too much.
Monday, was sick and tired but made it to media class where my prof. used me as an example of someone who talks and you wonder where I’m going. As in, I run off on tangents all the time. NOT TRUE..
and then TUESDAY:! JOE COMES HOME! Today today today.
In about 4.5 hours! Hooray ❤
My stomach has been nervous lately at night and sometimes in the mornings. At first I thought it was because Joe was always complaining to me or annoyed with something or reacting negatively to everything I said and did. But now I wonder if it’s because he’ll be home soon and I hope we find a way to make things work with our schedules without completely neglecting our friends and obligations. Or maybe it’s because change is inevitable and no matter how much I ignored it, the truth is my mom is moving, and Brittany is going with her, and I need to figure out my life without taking them into consideration because everyone is beginning to truly follow their own path. I once knew exactly what I wanted and was fearless. Now, everyone else is fearlessly pursuing their dreams and I’m standing here wondering where the hell to go next. I need to make a decision yesterday, you know. I just don’t know.
Joe graduates tomorrow. That’s amazing. And he’ll be home and destressed and we’ll be amazing. That’s my prayer.
I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do.
Today is me and Joe’s 6 month anniversary. So, that went fast huh? Schools quickly coming to an end and I have a lot to do before then, paperwork and such, but I can do it. I’m tired of being in school 4 days a week and working 3 days a week. Today, for instance, is a perfect day to just be outside but I cant because I have to work a double. By Sunday I am exhausted. I need a mental health day, but this semester made that impossible. So, I can’t wait for summer when I can wake up and actually have nothing to do. This year we’re substituting wasted wednesday’s with wacky and wild wednesdays! This summer is going to be outdoors summer. Hiking, camping, fishing, beach (weekly please), outdoor shows, yes even METS GAMES keri. I’m excited to take two summer classes and to save my money. This summer, to go with the theme of my busy responsible years (refer to posts in the beginning of 07) is going to be productive. Hopefully I’ll be getting out to Colorado for Jason’s wedding as well.
Now I’m going to shower, eat and go to work.
People talk about high school as the best or worst days of their lives. Adults will say how they were so popular and thin and young, and I try to recount my own high school experiences. But the truth is, I hardly remember high school. It wasn’t the worst or best days of my life, I wasn’t ridiculed or worshiped. I wasn’t so thin and popular or so fat and rejected. I just was. I had friends, I had family, I had work, I had school work, I had boyfriend, I had crushes, I had extracurriculars, I had boring nights in. I had really lunch periods, I had embarrassingly lame lunch periods. I had butterflies, I had nervous knots. I mean it was just life. I don’t see what the big deal was.. or is? Life is more college. Life is more after. New friends, new jobs, new populars and new rejections. Life goes on and is the same. You will meet people who are awesome and people who suck. You’ll feel great, and you’ll feel awful. I mean if you do it right, high school won’t be the worst but it won’t be the best. I’m happier now.. yet I do I miss the simplicity of the life of a 16 year old. But let’s not lie.. at 16, though life was simple, we complicated things. Everything continues.
And speaking of continuation, I’m getting better and better at school. I have hopes of getting very good grades in all SIX of my classes this semester. End rant (prompted by lewis black. I’m still pretty lame.. but lovingly so.)
I have exhausted every other form of written expression by making my outlets known to others. I have thus killed myself because I left myself with out a refuge. So, although I would be mad at Joe for hiding a journal from me, I now understand the importance of it. I need my own creative space. Now if he were to find this without my knowing, that would be fine. Then I would write freely and he would know where I was mentally. But alas, I refuse to give hints because then I’ll know if he knows. Rather, let him check my email and find this himself.
I am searching for my inner peace again, and as it is the first fully spring feeling day, I am torn between who I really am and who I want to be. We will continue later, secret journal of mine.
Egypt felt a lot farther away then it usually did, but not anymore. I just realize that leaving causes great stress on the body and I’m just happy you didn’t get stuck in the past and forget who I am.