I think I want to go to NYC for New Years every year. I was just thinking about how fun it was, and how there was something going on down every street, and that that is something I don’t want to take for granted. I also find a bit of irony in the fact that I may be moving just before New Years this December, and I’m a little disappointed about that. However, I might not be.
I don’t know what’s best. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t want to do what’s easiest, I don’t want to take the cowards way out.. I don’t want to rely on myself for this. I don’t know.
I just found out Stephanie Gotz died. We went to school together when were in sixth grade and middle school. She’s like 20. Her mom died 5 years ago and she never really recovered from that. But she died? Like, she just never woke up this morning. I just don’t understand that. It’s entirely out of nowhere. This girl Nicole from elementary/middle school told me tonight. I was like what? She’s the first person I’m friends with to die. All that is left is her father and two brothers. No mom. No sister. I’m most sad for them.
I have this and I have for five years. But only recently it became unbearable. TMJ, as it is shortened, is a disorder in the jaw where the muscles surrounding the temporomandibular (a vital part of the jaw’s socket) are inflamed and can cause a popping when the jaw is opened all the way (as all my friends know. I found it funny to put their hand on my cheek and then open my mouth. It feels like the jaw is popping out of joint, and it freaked everyone out). Unfortunately, that was the wrong thing to do, and in time the muscles became tighter and the actual jaw area may be damaged. At this point, as it has been for the past ten days, I can not open my mouth more than about an inch before feeling a high level of pain (only on my left side though. the right side is fine). If I do open it all the way, it’s very painful until it cracks, then I am fine. The disorder can be caused by many things, but for me it’s due to jaw clenching. This is a self diagnosis but I realized last week how oftenI clench my jaw, and after looking up causes it is the only reason I can apply to myself.
Tomorrow I’ll make a dentist appointment and he’ll tell me what to do. Either he’ll let me do at home therapies, or I’ll have to go to physical therapy. I want to go to physical therapy though because it’ll be easier and I’m afraid it’s a little too far gone to do my own exercises. But I have been doing some, since Brittany had this for a while and after going to physical therapy for about a month is completely rehabilitated. She taught me, and so I’ve been working on it. Also, I put a hot towel on my face because it is supposed to help alleviate the pain and the swelling. In time it may heal itself if I am careful, but if I can’t stop involuntarily clenching my teeth, I’ll have to get a mouth guard. Anyway, that’s my ridiculous medical issue. Semi-lock jaw.
So I’m home from my 9 day life hiatus. I was in Florida visiting Joe. I relaxed, ate out a lot and played video games. It was exactly what I needed. That is, until Joe told me he wasn’t sure if he can date me. I’ll clarify that. He wasn’t sure if after he graduates and he moves back home whether or not he wants to stay in NJ, or move to Florida. He doesn’t know what he wants to do, and he feels he needs to go out and explore the world. He wants to find himself and you can’t do that while in a relationship. You can’t find who you are through someone else. Things I’ve said a million times myself. It was so out of nowhere all I could do was cry. But, it wasn’t that he wants to end things, he’s just scared of what’s coming and fearful of losing what we have. I really don’t want to explain it. All I know is I’m in love with him, and he’s in love with me, and everything else is Gods. He’ll lead us in the right direction, and whether that direction will parallel or not with one another is unknown at this time.
But it was a good vacation and I’m happy, and now I have five weeks until I see Joe again.
The truth is, if I can be honest, I love him. He pursued me for so long and I fought it for so long, and then once we dated I tried to keep it mentally casual. But in a moment I suddenly realized just how much he means to me. I felt how much I loved him, and that I wasn’t fearful of being single, rather I was fearful of losing him. Regardless, I’m in this, and it’s good what happened because it showed me things. But, if we do break up this summer… well that’ll be that. I know that only better things will await us.
This picture was taken before he left for school this summer, our last date. We didn’t go on a date again until October, when we decided to be together. This girl was so confused, she was a jerk, she took him for granted and messed with his heart for six months. I’m just not her anymore, and it’s weird looking at it. It’s weird because here, my heart was so guarded, and now, it’s completely vulnerable. Aiy yi yi.
I was in the library trying to apply to colleges, and I had a melt down. I just started crying and I had to leave school.
I am 21 years old, trying to transfer to another college, unable to go to the schools I really want to do what I really want to do, in a long distance relationship, with my mother moving soon, me having to get my own place or move to Florida and leave my father behind…. and im taking a lot of classes and working. Im OVERWHELMED. And I didn’t stop crying for a very long time.
Maybe after Spring Break I’ll be refreshed and ready to conquer. I’ve been slacking off a bit lately. I leave for Florida tomorrow, thank goodness.
And everyone keeps blaming my crying on my period, when that has nothing to do with it! I’m simply overwhelmed and I feel alone in all of this, so let me cry for as long as I want. I’ll get over it in my own time.