“Life is too short to live or love in fear.”
Amen to that.
Also, life is too fun to be bogged down by school for any longer than you have to be. Youth is too short to spend it worrying about growing up. Sleep is too precious to miss it. Friends are too valuable to take them for granted.
I miss Tennessee.
I dont want to be here right now. I want things back to how they used to be.
Andrew in love with us. Matt amazing. Kathleen BARBATO. Fucking freestyle contests and pulling out of the township as fast as possible as Holly screams “GET OUT OF THE WAY BITCH!” Holly even being around.
Saying, “We have to go doe” and making signs for team lightening and dressing up in heels and pearls.
Before I knew any of the people I know now.
I feel like everything before I came home was the real me. I miss those fun times. What the hell is going on? Who are these people and where are my genuine loves? They’re all away. I miss them.
So I told Joe tonight the truth about everything that had happened with Shannon. You see, he hung out with some of his friends tonight and about three years ago this rumor started that I made out with this guy Billy. Aka- stumpy. I didnt. I was really drunk one night and he kissed me. But there was no making out. So I go to the car and Joes like “We need to talk. You lied to me..”
I thought it was about Shannon. I was like.. yeah. Then I find out it’s not about Shannon at all, it’s some dumb ass rumor. He was pissed over that.. so when I told him the Shannon thing he fell silent. I found myself, as he sat in silence trying to process it with his music blasting.. praying he wouldn’t just walk. That means something.
And he didn’t walk. And we’re better now.
I just don’t feel as emotionally attached as he does and that scares me. Im scared of figuring out this isn’t right. But as I read over the name shannon, im happy im not with him. Im happy I found a guy who after EVERYTHING is not only willing to stick around, but his opinion of me hasn’t changed. My past isn’t easy for him to swallow but he digests it and decides every time that there’s more to me. He accepts me. I just need to get over this fear I think, I need to accept him fully and just try it. If something happens and I realize it’s not right, then I have to end it. But for now it’s good. If he read that he wouldn’t be happy but the truth is I’m living in the now. Im not making any plans, that’s how you get blinded and everything falls apart. Just live in the now and be real.
it’s so weird to not be single. I have to admit over all I really did like being single. To think that’s over (even for now) is weird. I just don’t want to ever feel trapped.
I’ll just keep praying. You see because I have these fears I feel like.. maybe Gods telling me something. Maybe it shouldn’t be because I don’t feel all goooooooooogly like he does. But I do feel googly, just a different kind. Besides infatuation isn’t good. Everyone I’ve been infatuated with I’ve been blinded by and then things get really sticky and messy and bad when you realize they aren’t who you made them out to be. But Joe’s honestly a good guy and I hope that I am very happy and grateful and that I do fall in love with him. I’m not though going to be blinded, I’m also not going to let my fear control everything. I mean I was up and down with him for so long, trying to figure it out.. I liked him/didn’t/did/didn’t over and over for months and months. Maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to move on first. But now.. now it’s okay to be together. I’m just trying to internalize that.
Its so weird. If I read back about Jon, it’s totally different than this. But that wasn’t real. And it was unhealthily dependent. Maybe I’ve matured? …Er, maybe. =)
Im really lame. Sorry if you didn’t know that before.
So I have a boyfriend and this is what he wrote about me
…so i should probably update huh..
well. after practically 3 years.
of being single i finally found
the girl worth my time. she’s amazing.
her name is che. i make her laugh. she makes me smile.
she also gives me butterflies. which is super lame. which
is the other effect she has on me. we do fun things together.
we talk on the phone. we write stories. we go to comedy clubs.
we almost miss trains. we drink alcohol. we smoke cigarettes.
we hold hands. i let her kiss me. sometimes i kiss back. we smile.
we pretend each other are funny. we don’t dance. we watch movies.
we go to the beach. we drive around.
i think thats it. we’re relatively boring.
im excited. i believe she’s worth it. .and i believe that for some strange reason she feels the same way about me. its a good feeling.
Me? I’ll say it took six months, a lot of shit… other guys, the refusal to talk to one another, the unchanging fact that that was not possible..and me finally deciding to not let my fear guide me anymore to make this all happen. His name is Joe and he’s like no one I’ve ever ever dated before. But he’s a great Christan man and he really cares about me and I like talking to him and I can see this lasting. We’ll see. I know I can talk to him about anything and I trust him and it just makes too much sense for us not to try. I’m leaving it to God though. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely terrified. But I’m also really excited about it. About.. us? Because I wasn’t infatuated I thought it wasn’t for me. Until I realized.. it’s more real than that.
Ah jeez. After almost 2 years.. I have a boyfriend again. We’ll see what happens.
Let’s have a real update of sorts.
I’ve desperately been trying to find that balance between work, school, studying, downtime and staying social. I need to go out and be with people or else I get really down. But lately I’ve been exhausted. Too exhausted to function productively during my day. Last night we had a girls night, and it could have been a lot more fun, but I was just too tired. Don’t get me wrong though, pizza, movies and beer are hard not to enjoy so I did have a good time. Kari and I listened to the Spill Canvas on the way home and I think I need to move past this new CD. It’s borderline obsessive of me. But…. I’ll probably burn a new copy today anyway because I gave mine to Kari.
Joe comes home tonight and I’m excited to see him again. Sink Florida sink. The other Joe guy.. I’ve been so blowing him off. As if I don’t have enough time in a day to even talk on the phone. I feel bad, but people will believe anything if they want to badly enough. Hence, the Che Blackwood curse (of denial). But being on this side of things is teaching me. Next time I’m into someone and they’re pulling what I’m pulling, I won’t be blinded by the spontaneous and sporadic attention or compliments toward the relationship. If they want it bad enough, you won’t have to wonder. I’ve learned a lot in the last few months actually about relationships, friendships and people in general. No one is as mysterious as they seem and once you figure them out, it’s sometimes sad. There’s sadness in a lot of people.
Anyway, I have to go to class today. First I need to eat some tuna fish. Afterwards I need to get the eyebrows done. And shower sometime in between everything. I guess this really isn’t much of an update.
I really have nothing to say
I’m being tested. Or taught something.
My car won’t start today. But it’s not just like turning over or anything.. no no. It’s making this horrible sound. The sound of a very broken car.
But after last nights post how can I be worried? So I’m leaving it. I’ll do what I can (and pray) and other than that.. theres nothing I can do.
I hope it’s not done.
I hope it’s not expensive.