I deserve something good. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, or just keeps me on a shelf because it’s better than nothing, or because they can’t make up their minds but know it could work. Regardless, I want to be with someone who adores me and wants to be with me, wants to get to know more about me.. someone good. Someone worthy. Someone honorable. A man. Thinking back, I miss God. I think. I don’t know because I don’t feel like I dont have him. He is with me always. I do not miss the type of Christian I was. I dont miss the Shawn Niles days. I dont miss the Youth Alive days. I do miss the Jon Weaver days. The Teens Loving Christ days. I miss Winterfest being life changing. I miss peaceful souls. I miss feeling whole. Dad being my hero. People making sense. I miss the times when nothing really mattered. Making fun of Tara with Rachel and talking about boys constantly with Kat. I miss the girl nights, the girl talks, the lunch tables with a pile of makeup in the center as we asked eachother questions about sex and growing up. It was innocent, it was naive, it was adorable.

Last night before everyone came, Maureen Megan and I were talking about sex and the fact that I havent had it with Shannon. They said “Either one of four things. Hes really bad at it, he has a small penis, he smells or he has an STD.” And then it went into talk about Brocoli and ‘they don’t call me che brocwood for nothing.” What I’m saying is the innocence is all gone. Not hey maybe hes a gentleman (which.. dont even get me started.) but rather, hey something is seriously wrong. I remember when people dated and they never slept together. Now after two months its weird?

I mean, the grass is green out there. The birds are chirping. The world is right outside my window and I just can’t grasp it. I need to submerse myself in the nature. In Gods wonder. In everything that He is. I need to basque in it and feel alive.

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