I feel sick to my stomach with all the bridges I might be burning. It’s like a blaze of glory surrounds me as I slowly watch what I really care about smolder into a pile of ash. The winds picking up and blowing it all away. So I need to sit, and write, and make sense of this life I’m engulfed by. I’m not drowning at all. I’ll never be drowning again. That already happened once before. So instead I’m swimming frantically, kicked and pushing the water, making a mess of what was so calm only a little bit ago. So we had a bit of an intervention for one of my friends. And it’s come back seven fold, as I should have expected, and it’s trying to kick my ass. But I’m wrestling it to the ground, and the intensity of it all is leaving me exhausted.
And who really matters in this world? If not the people you surround yourself with than no one. I can’t save anyone. Not only is it not my job but I don’t have the right materials to do so anyway. My job is to stand at my post, watching and listening, and diving in when I have to. Not to pull you out, but to wade beside you and hold your shirt to keep you from being totally submerged. I can’t pull you out though. That strength needs to be in you and you alone.
So I’m under a lot of pressure and flipped out today. I’ve been living with this intense pressure, but when I woke up today, it was completely crushing me. And I crumbled for a minute. With a look of anger in my eyes I left my house to fulfill a prior promise and I told my mom, “I’m just so upset.” When i got to my friends house I had tears in my eyes and she fully understood why. Or at least it seems like she did.
So I’m sorry for walking out on your life friend. And not being there like I should have been. Like you so desperately needed. And I’m sorry for having to cease communication with you, other friend, but it is the only way and you understand that. And I’m sorry to you, boy, for being a complete asshole. It’s so out of my nature to act irrational or speak out of emotion. But sometimes you just snap and whoever is there gets the blunt of everything. I just wonder how many people. Not how many I will hurt, or walk out on, or burn. Because that’s not something I ever do. It’s not something I feel I did recently. I had every right intention for doing what I did. I just wonder how many people I will know and touch and walk with. How many will be important to me. How many will last. Just how many, in general.
This journey is bright. This journey is long. This journey is mine.