No Frequent Flyer Miles

Okay, I have a lot of unanswered questions and in order to get these answers I have to go to Tennessee, at least one last time. I need some closure in order to move on to my next milestone. So I decided tonight that yeah, I’m going. I’m getting on a plane early February and I am going to Tennesse and I am going to demand some answers. No more bullshitting around. No more playful conversations to avoid the real issues at hand. And if I find that there actually is nothing there for me except a bunch of empty words and flirtatious smiles with absolutely nothing concrete behind them, well then I’ll be forced to face that truth head on. And you know what, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I’m going to find. But, I still have that optimistic hope that I will be pleasantly surprised and encounter something genuine and real. Something I’ve been pretending is there. This won’t make sense because you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. It isn’t anything that I discuss with people. This is just something I need for myself. And it’s not closure with Jon, so don’t get the wrong idea. This is closure in so many different aspects of my life. I was in Tennessee when I began this journey, and I need to return to that starting point in order to complete this particular phase of it. This trip will have the potential to finally, once and for all, free me. But, then again, it has the potential to show me what I’m missing and what I really want. To show me that everything I am looking for is actually there. If I find that this is where I belong, then I’ll know finally. Because as of now, I don’t know where I belong or what is real or how I feel. I go back and forth. I’m happy, I’m not. I’m happy, I’m confused. I’m in New Jersey, I’m wishing I was somewhere else. I’m in New Jersey, and I like it.

I have a lot to still figure out but I know that the only way to really get to the root of everything is to return to the place where these roots were first planted.

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