It’s so beautiful outside.
Okay the streets, cars, houses, trees.. the whole world is covered in snow. From the sky is more snowing, falling so fast and so much. It’s every-freaking-where. At 1 in the morning, it’s so bright outside. You can see everything. And it’s not even freezing outside.
I love New Jersey tonight.
I’m afraid to read my e-mail. I really am just avoiding it. I mean, I was man enough to come out and apologize for what happened, even though it’s a very awkward topic. I mean… do you apologize for this sort of thing? Yes, in our culture- our C.O.G culture, you do. But in the secular world, you don’t.
So I’m left torn. I apologized, but when I speak to my secular friends they are like, “What the hell are you apologizing for?” And I’m left thinking and trying to figure out where I stand. And then I had to wonder, am I sorry I did it, or am I sorry I got caught?
It wasn’t until this happened that I realized just how much of what I do affects others. It really was never ever real to me that my decisions affect other people at all. But, I really put a dent on someones life, and I get it now. Would I take it back? Yes, I would. I mean, it wasn’t necessary. But it did happen and so I’m not regretting it, I’m just trying to make it right.
So am I sorry I did it? Or am I just sorry I got caught?
Well, I’m sorry I did it.
And it just plain sucks we got caught, heh.
I give it a month.
In other news, life is going fine. I am happy. I went to my Dads house tonight- ALL BY MYSELF (no Britt)- and was completely myself. You don’t understand how big that is. After he remarried Brittany and I became a little reserved, and as the years passed, we become more and more secluded while there. After a few years we started visiting only every other weekend, and then when I went away to school Britt started going only once a month, or once every two months. When I returned home we tried to go once a month… tried. When we were there, we didn’t have so much to say and were kind of lifeless. Plus, since I was depressed or semi depressed or just not normal, I was even more dull. But lately I’ve been warming up again, now that I’m more secure and much happier. I love my younger (step) siblings and seeing the family is a good thing. So tonight I was lively and happy, and everyone noticed. They were happy to see me and my Dad looked at me and was just like, “Che che, my little che che”. He always says stuff like, (che che was my nickname forever when I was younger, and then turned to Che babe, which has stuck), but it was just nice. I mean, it’s the home I always wanted and never had. I used to resent it a bit. But now, finally, It’s good to visit home. My home.
There are going to be unhappy people in the world. You are going to come into contact with them.
You can’t let it change you.
Okay, I have a lot of unanswered questions and in order to get these answers I have to go to Tennessee, at least one last time. I need some closure in order to move on to my next milestone. So I decided tonight that yeah, I’m going. I’m getting on a plane early February and I am going to Tennesse and I am going to demand some answers. No more bullshitting around. No more playful conversations to avoid the real issues at hand. And if I find that there actually is nothing there for me except a bunch of empty words and flirtatious smiles with absolutely nothing concrete behind them, well then I’ll be forced to face that truth head on. And you know what, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I’m going to find. But, I still have that optimistic hope that I will be pleasantly surprised and encounter something genuine and real. Something I’ve been pretending is there. This won’t make sense because you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. It isn’t anything that I discuss with people. This is just something I need for myself. And it’s not closure with Jon, so don’t get the wrong idea. This is closure in so many different aspects of my life. I was in Tennessee when I began this journey, and I need to return to that starting point in order to complete this particular phase of it. This trip will have the potential to finally, once and for all, free me. But, then again, it has the potential to show me what I’m missing and what I really want. To show me that everything I am looking for is actually there. If I find that this is where I belong, then I’ll know finally. Because as of now, I don’t know where I belong or what is real or how I feel. I go back and forth. I’m happy, I’m not. I’m happy, I’m confused. I’m in New Jersey, I’m wishing I was somewhere else. I’m in New Jersey, and I like it.
I have a lot to still figure out but I know that the only way to really get to the root of everything is to return to the place where these roots were first planted.