True clarity

I realized something tonight after talking with Rachel. Or, really, I re-realized something. Life is your fault. Eventually you need to stop blaming other people or circumstances as the reasons you are where you are. You can’t go living your life thinking, “If only THIS, then I’d be truly happy.” If you spend your days saying you’re only one or two attributes away from true happiness, you’re always going to be one or two attributes away from happiness. Essentially, YOU are your happiness. The truly light hearted will find joy and peace in all situations. Saying this brings me back to all the stories I’ve heard of Christians being thrown in prisons around the world for their beleifs. The stories of those in custody who still managed to be truly happy. The ones who used the opportunity to witness to their fellow prisoners.. and even to the ones holding them captive. To keep yourself mentally stable during such an ordeal is admirable enough, but to then look at it as an opportunity of all things just goes to show you the power behind one’s angle of vision. It’s all in the way we look at things. I constantly say that if you’re not happy, CHANGE IT. And I try to live by that philosophy at the best of my ability. Just today I was thinking, as I sat in Brittany’s dorm room.. why do we do the things we do? People so easily fall into a pattern- a routine. They do things not because they want to and not because there’s much thought behind it, but because it’s what they think they are to do. The best way I can explain it is to use my job as an example. I’m a waitress and on the weekend’s I’m sometimes so busy I don’t have a moment to collect my thoughts. During the weekends I’m often pulling 10-12 hour shifts and can work 30 hours in just three days, nonstop. So the other day at work I was running into the kitchen and repeating to myself, “Sprite, coke, salsa, ranch. Sprite, coke, salsa, ranch.” Four different items for four different tables. I had been running ragged all night and suddenly I just stopped. I was in the middle of putting ice into a cup, and beside me was a small tray carrying some assortment of other drinks and such for all my tables. I turned to who ever was next to me and said, “Sometimes I do things and I don’t even really know what I’m doing. I’m just in the motion. I’m hardly even thinking.” That’s how I view life. So often everyone gets swept up in the current. Life is fast and demanding, and before you know it you can find yourself rushing around, stressed and frantic. You have to stop yourself. For instance when Britt was unpacking today she turned to me and went “I’m just so overwhelmed right now.. and I’m not happy.” And as I watched her continue to run from one box to her drawer to her closet to the next box, I suddenly felt the urge to just stop her and say, “Brittany why are you here? Why are you unpacking? Is this what you want? Truly stop and think.” If I had said that and if she had taken a moment to find true clarity, she would have realized she’s at Montclaire to get an education. She’s at the dorm because she wants to live at school, to gain the experience, to have fun and make new friends. Her unpacking is really the first sign of her moving on, growing up, and living an independant life. Moving in wasn’t stressful and annoying and horrible, it was fun and exciting and new. Had she realized she was doing this because she WANTED to, perhaps she would have had a new appreciation for her seemingly tedious task. I believe we all need to take moments in life to re-evalute even the tiniest of things and to find our true clarity. Perhaps we’ll appreciate things more. Perhaps we’ll realize we’re engaging in things we really have no interest in.

Regardless, at least we’ll have a strong opinion on every aspect in our lives, which is something I’m all for. I don’t want recycled opinions, I don’t want meaningless activities… I want my life to be genuine and real. I want it to be mine.

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