Something to say

I’m siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

I hate WINTER! Cough, sore throat, flem!, watery eyes, no energy or drive, constantly tired, running nose… a common cold of the worst degree. As long as I don’t get a fever I’ll be fine but the second I get a fever is the second I wind up in bed for 3 days straight, missing class and work. And I absolutely KNOW that won’t go over well.. not at all. If anything I’ll allow myself to miss my math class tomorrow, but that’s it. Then I have to get up and study some more for my 1:30 psych exam.

Why am I here typing all this? I need to go to bed! IM SICK.

But first, I dyed my hair. On top I put brighter blond highlights and some caramel blond low-lights which mix well with the darkening of my hair from dying it brown back in the spring. The highs and lows of it all look nice. Then, the last layer of my hair in the back.. I dyed black. Pure pitch black. I’m talking black as black can get. It’s different for me and I like it. You can’t see it that well but here’s a glimpse:
This picture isn’t too good.. remember, I’m sick! Ha, my pajama shirt is a Pete and Elda’s shirt. You get it free when you eat a whole pie. I cheated.. a lot. I think I ate 4 pieces.. maybe 5. I almost threw up. It’s old. But anyway…  I gotta go to bed.

G’Night *sneeze*

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Let me just say I love my English professor. I had to write a letter to him, as we do every week. This letter I just had fun with it and his commentation back made my day. Here it is below, but feel no obligation to read it.

Dear Bob,

            I’m not sure exactly what to say. I suppose I should start by asking how you are. What’s new in your life? How’s the family? Okay, so I don’t expect a letter back. That’s what happens with professors these days; you write to them and never hear back. It’s all right though, it’s happened before and it’ll happen again. At least I can say you weren’t the first one. But then, I guess that shows it’s my own fault, because you won’t be the last either.

            So why did I take this English class? I know that’s what you’re thinking. See, I know you better than you ever gave me credit for, but that’s all behind me now. Seriously, I’m not at all bitter. It’s not like you’re my only professor! I have others. I even had some while I had your class! How does that make you feel? Anyway, I took this class because I enjoy writing. I’m not much of an artist, I can’t compose a song, singing is not my strong suit and the last thing I tried to sculpt was a sideways sand castle. But when it comes to writing, none of that matters. With just the stroke of my pencil and an understanding of the English language I can create whatever I please. I can paint a picture in your mind, send chills down your back or cause a tear in your eye. It’s the words I choose that can make you laugh, shudder or question life. This is my art. This is my passion.

            Any class that can help me improve as a writer is worth taking. I hope to enjoy my time in this class while gaining a better understanding of the English language.

            Now Bob, is that so much to ask? I’ve tossed it over in my mind a countless amount of times. Why is it I continue to write journal entry after journal entry to you? I’m supposed to be a strong, independent woman! Isn’t that what we’re all taught these days? But, I think I have finally found peace in all this. In your silence, I find my answers. And so, I will simply sit and listen.

 I’ll stop writing to you now. I won’t continue swarming you for answers. You have your reasons for doing what you did and I can’t deny them. So go ahead, continue teaching all those other students. Continue telling them the same things you tell me. I can pretend not to hurt, but I’ll never pretend not to care.

 

Sincerely,

Che Blackwood

*********

He wrote:
I’m a new grandpop- 9 wk old gandson. Family’s O.K. Thank you for asking. How is your family? The kids? Your pet gerbil? Ah, but you can’t just sit back quietly while I mold you to my design. This has to be a two way effort on both our parts. I refuse to let you be a passive lump which I will shape anyway I will. I can accept that you are not all mine, yet I cannot alllow others to fill your empty vessel. We (profs) are a pain. It’s synenergy taking energy from eachother and sharing. Get rid of the others. They’re a drag. We can have fun together.

I think I can I think I can I know I can I KNOW I can

I had to lie to get out of something tonight but I don’t feel bad about it. I’d rather lie and get home safe with NO REGRETS than feel forced to do something.

I’ve decided I’m taking back my life, one good decision at a time. I did the whole go with emotions and heart thing. It’s back to brains for me. I’m far too intelligent to do some of the things I’ve done and to let myself waste away in any form. Being in school again reveals to me just how intelligent I really am. It’s the studying that gets me.. I’m far too easily distracted. But as I said, I’m takin back my life, meaning I’m fixing my future before it even gets here. That means, I can no longer be so easily ‘distracted’.

And tonight, I’m having a talk with God.

Amazing by Blue October.

I just want to move on. I can pretend to move on. But deep down we all know. Yeah deep down I still know. It’s no one in particular, it is still just me. Im only half alive. I have no understanding as to why. When I say move on I mean move on from being broken. What’s broken? I couldn’t tell you. But still inside of me I feel this sad weight. Can I please just fall asleep forever.

I know tomorrow is better. I know that sleep will cure me. But cure me for how long? And cure me of what? Am I slightly crazy? Can we pretend I’m whole. Can we all look the other way? Can life please just feel complete again.