I don’t care. I don’t care Im in NJ, I don’t care I’m going to Brookdale, I don’t care I’m not in love with anyone, I don’t care everyone is leaving for school, I don’t care this is my life. I don’t care because if I cared I don’t think I could even force a smile.
So instead, I just don’t care. Instead, I am content. Instead I smile because it’s been worse and it’ll be better.
Instead, I wait until my life moves onto the next phase.
Why? Because this too will pass. I said that when everything was black and hopeless, I said it when everything was great, and I say it now. Everything passes.
I talked to Brie today and me and her are okay. We’re actually completely fine so that’s good. Now I don’t have problems with anyone so visiting Lee is even more appealing. Secondly I had such a revealing conversating with Jay today, proving my assumptions (that he had a thing for me) to be true. How messed up on his behalf, considering him and Jon live together and are supposed to be great friends, to say he wants me to cuddle with him and that ‘it sucks Jon got to me first’. Saying he’d love to take me out on a date. It’s of course nice to hear a guy say such things (I’m allowed to admit that), but its something I find to be so two faced that I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt to never ever trust him. And I would NEVER in a million years do that to Jon. Never.
Thirdly, Tom Trucks called ME today asking for WHITE. Like I’d get that for him? Like I’m some sort of drug dealer? Are you kidding me? It really made me so angry. What scum. It’s like Mike asking for acid the other day. I told him off too. What complete crap. It makes me mad because people know I don’t deal. They just get so consumed by drugs that they lose any pride or self respect and just go out on a limb.. calling anyone possible, regardless of how it makes them look. And it seems like I live in a town where everyone has their drug of choice.. and everyone is desperate for it. How fortunate I’m not one of those people.
Today was quite the day for phone calls.
He texted me last night saying I love you.. and I love ya.. several times. Saying hes happy. That’s good to hear, but I can’t help but wonder how long it is until we really lose contact
Everything I want to say, I can’t. Not because I’m unable, but because it is pointless. It will do nothing but stir up emotions and cause more frustration than neccesary. So, I’ll just say my laptop smells like White Castle and I haven’t eaten white castle in hella long, so that’s gross. Secondly, Pina Coladas at Tony’s tonight. And thirdly… I’m really going to miss Britt.
So those e-mails, not Jon. That’s so juvenile and.. fucked up. Other than that, Mick got in his first accident today. I have the a bacterial infection from hot tubbing too much, so I have medicine for that. It’s nothing other than just a few red bumps on my skin. Fortunately it’s nothing gross or contagious. I’m making good money at work, or at least it’s decent, but I’m not doing very well at saving it. Shaun’s gone =(
I miss him.
I’m going to be so sad when Britt leaves for good.. I don’t want to think about it. Tonight I might be going to Alexis and Phil’s house. I haven’t seen them in so long.. I just can’t get her number to call her back.
And I’m all smoked out, can you believe that?
It’s not so difficult, the world is not so difficult.
……So, sigh, I want the love back.
“Now our history is for sale and for that I apologize. You see,.. you’re my only know how. The study of when I believed I belonged to you.”
I just really want to get a tattoo.